Testing a man’s obnoxious side

[Notmyrealname85]

Been seeing a great great guy for last six months. Started slowly and now living in each other’s pockets :)

But... on Monday we went out for a meal at a v nice place where the staff are v v attentive and love to provide good service. He spoke over them on say six or seven instances, where they were trying to put the food down and explain where food was sourced from (they’re into that), or give us menus or ask us how our food was to each course (five courses)

What should’ve been a lovely special evening was instead frankly a bit shit. When we’re together he asks about my day endlessly, cooks all the time and refuses to let me clean up... it’s heaven!! And then we go somewhere nice and this time he’s rude to staff when being lovely to me.. it was like being on say a fourth date with someone when you realise they’re a dick, and they’re chatting away trying to impress you and all you’re thinking is get me out of here

Obvious example - by end of evening staff were clearly little bit bored of serving us because of him. When they’d ask how a dish was he’d bluster “oh awful, worst thing I’ve tasted... like it was out of a bin” etc every bloody time! It wasn’t funny, even though he was clearly trying to be... and when he’d say this he would deliver these lines to me jokingly, so he didn’t even properly address the waiters. Maybe I’m being too sensitive but manners and respect for others are very important to me!!

Three months ago there was something similar at the cinema. He was asking someone who worked there how to find the exit (he didn’t know I was nearby) and was quite short with him, and stroppy almost. It was really ridiculous and I pulled him up on it at the time

Also on Monday, maybe three times he made crude remarks about me and sex the staff waiting at nearby tables were likely to hear; I was mortified and told him each time to stop :( he was giddy though, honestly if I didn’t know better I’d assume he was secretly coke-y (he’s not...I hope)

Last night ended with me asking why he was so obnoxious all of a sudden and telling him all these examples...

Does anyone have experience of this? It’s rare enough that I don’t have enough evidence as to whether he’s a secretly horrid person... can I set up a test somehow...

[HopeClearwater]

AF on the money as usual

If only I'd known this when I was 30

[Notmyrealname85]

Ooooh I’m the first to tell people you shouldn’t have to teach them...and here I am being a knob. I’d much rather dump at 6months than be stuck another six!! It is like he wants a princess maybe.... I’m so NOT princessy or girly (not that it’s bad to be those things, but I’m very blah about being treated like that)

Somewhere out there is an obnoxious woman, looking for her obnoxious prince!

[Notmyrealname85]

Yeah I don’t love the overdone waiter approach but I’d never show it - they’re made to act like that (and these waiters were very quick and subtle, I normally hate it and I didn’t mind). He was being a show off but obv not got much material to go on!! Gosh I am angry

[MattBerrysHair]

The rudeness to the staff is bad, but the crude comments about you in public would have me raging. Is he usually crude about you? What sort of comments were they?

[chewbacca83]

Someone said this to me once and it really stuck...'If someone is nice to you but not nice to the waiter, they are not a nice person'. And it's so true.

[Notmyrealname85]

You have the best username MBH!

Just sexual innuendo... how unlike sausage, when i asked what he was going eat he said me... it wasn’t loud but the rest of the couples at this place all looked respectful and were quietly enjoying their meals, they wouldn’t have heard but I minded!!

Double whammy... this meal was my treat, as a thank you for a kind thing he did

[Notmyrealname85]

Sorry, no he’s never been crude before

[Greedynan]

Have you seen that Tim Minchin award acceptance vid that's been doing the rounds on social media (it's worth a watch). Anyway he gives 9 pearls of wisdom in it. One of them is that he will judge a person on how they treat the least powerful person in the room. It can say a lot about a person's character. Have I rambled a bit? Sorry 😬

[Trills]

I wouldn't want to date someone if going to the cinema or going out for a meal was likely to make me uncomfortable.

What's the point in dating someone who it's not enjoyable to go on dates with?

[Trills]

Somewhere out there is an obnoxious woman, looking for her obnoxious prince!

Absolutely!

[MattBerrysHair]

Could he possibly have been feeling uncomfortable in such a high end restaurant and with the fact that you were treating him rather than the other way round? To me it sounds like he was feeling emasculated by the situation and was trying to belittle you with the crude comments and being an arse to the staff. Whatever the reason, he's awful.

[WhooooAmI24601]

There's an old saying "it's not how you treat those above you on the ladder but those below you on it" or something like that. Anyone who speaks rudely to waiters or staff in public-facing roles needs to be single forever because there's no remedying that sort of thing.

[Thebluedog]

Manners cost nothing. He’s being a prick

[Pumpkintopf]

Op what did he say when you called him out on his behaviour?

[Trills]

Whatever the reason, he's awful.

Definitely.

It doesn't necessarily matter WHY he is behaving as he does, it matters that you don't like it.

[2rebecca]

Agree he was rude. I'm not keen on men who won't give a straight answer but have to make not very funny "jokes" like his replies to the waiting staff. I also get irritated by people who don't know when to shut up and talk over people. If the waiters are overly attentive you just say "great thanks" to all the how was the food queries and don't go there again.
Being asked about my day endlessly would piss me off too. Once is enough and even then not every day. If I want to discuss my job I'll bring it up. I don't want to have to relive my day at work as entertainment.

[Trills]

I like a restaurant where they explain what they've done with the vegetables.

If a man feels uncomfortable enough in a restaurant like that to say things that I find annoying, he's not the man for me.

[blueshoes]

"secretly coke-y"?

[2rebecca]

Agree I enjoy eating out and by his 40s a man should have well developed restaurant manners. Most men are over nice to restaurant staff to impress women, just pretending to be wine experts. An inexperienced 19 year old could be excused this but not a man

[flingingmelon]

I’m not sure I entirely agree with everyone’s LTBs.

Before you get rid are you sure it isn’t some sort of social anxiety? Some people find restaurants very intimidating.

However, you know the man. If you can consider and reject social anxiety, either bin the restaurants or him.

[Trills]

I maintain my "it doesn't matter why, you don't like it".

She has no obligation to be with a man who behaves in a way she dislikes, no matter what the cause of that behaviour.

[Biddylee]

notmy Apart from what everyone else said about it just not being a nice way to treat people, I think that at some point you will be at the end of his rude behaviour.

I recently dated someone who was always blaming other people, then I screwed up and it was my turn to join those who were to blame. I predicted it too.

How someone talks about other people and how they treat other people gives you a good idea about how they might treat you one day.

[AlonsosLeftPinky]

I don't much care for unpleasant people so I'd struggle to see this man as attractive.

If you don't like being interrupted by waiters at each course all it takes is a discreet and polite word to explain that you'd appreciate a little privacy.

He sounds like an utter tool and I'd have been turned off after witnessing him speaking to the person in the cinema like shit.

[Reflexella]

Horrible. Why would you even say some of those things?

Yes sorry OP he’s a stinky fish, throw him back

[Badbilly]

This is a prime example of "The Waiter Rule".

If someone is nice to you but rude to the waiter, they are not a nice person

I believe it was originally coined by a famous American author (who I can't remember), but can also be found here:

www.rightattitudes.com/2007/09/12/waiter-rule-interpersonal-skills/