Adult sibling envy

[noshoessus]

Hi all,

I am looking for some words of advice. My mother is good friends with a man who's business absolutely exploded 15 years ago and he has become a millionaire. He is a devout socialist and instead of hoarding or investing his money, he has been helping out people close to him.

I was living in London and struggling with two young kids on the breadline for 3 years when my partner and I broke up and I came home to Wales to stay with my mum until I worked things out. At this point, we'll call him P, offered up one of his holiday homes for me to stay in. This place is beautiful, it's surrounded by countryside and comes with a bit of land.

Anyway to cut a long story short, he has offered me the house as a gift, it's the most bizarre scenario, obviously I am delighted. My main problem is that my sister, who still lives away and doesn't even know P personally, is reacting with such jealousy that she is absolutely furious with me for accepting. She claims she would never have accepted this (she has no kids and a well paid job and spends her free time travelling the world).

How on earth would you deal with this situation? My mother is feeling so guilty that my sister feels this bad, she is taking her side. I am being ostracised by my whole family. What should I do?

Congratulations. (I think I might be a bit jealous if I was your sister, but I’d like to believe I’d keep it to myself.)

It sounds like a lovely thing for this guy to do and I hope it brings you happiness.

Assuming that he's got full mental faculties, no ulterior motives, and you haven't 'vamped' him take the house and be forever grateful.

It's his house to do with as he wishes. Not your sister's, not his family's, not your mother's. He owes neither them nor you a single pence. If his children/family aren't happy that's their problem and they can address it with him.

It may be an unlikely thing to happen, I agree. But unlikely things DO happen. Just not to most of us.

I think he’s done it for your DC because he values the friendship with all of you. Why is your Mum resentful of her grandchildren having some stability?

Would your family react the same if you’d won enough to but it on the lottery? Does you sister like being the “successful” one and now feel threatened?

This is their issue not yours!

If I was your sister I'd be delighted for you and pleased my mother would not have to worry about your future housing problems.

I don’t see what it’s got to do with your sister at all, it’s not your Mum leaving it to you or any other relative, so she cannot believe that she had any prior claim to inheritance or whatever. This is an adult unrelated man who is choosing to dispose of his property as he sees fit - why on earth should he leave anything to your sister? As you say, he doesn’t know her. She’s behaving very unreasonably.

I’d say take it (subject to legalities over tax and deeds etc) but only if you’re certain P isn’t expecting anything in return from either you or your Mum. Yes it’s a generous gift and he can reasonably expect a little gratitude, but you don’t want to find out he also expects something weird/creepy/sleazy/else or that you’ll have it held over you in perpetuity.

You're the best judge of the circumstances and this man just sounds like he'd like to help. It happens. Go for it. it sounds like a bit of luck could turn things round for you.

As for your sister - she has her own path in life to lead. Maybe you'll be able to help her one day - maybe she'll never need it. She has to concentrate on whether she is happy with her own choices, not yours. Who know? Maybe part of her wants kids and has looked at you and told herself that's it's a trade off between kids and money - but somehow you've disrupted that notion through this. Pure speculation - it could be something else entirely. But she needs to look at her feelings and work out the meaning of them for her.

Bluntness - you’ve already commented on inheritance tax, so he has a family

You are aware, aren't you, Bluntness, that inheritance tax is due on every estate with money over a certain amount, regardless of whether the deceased has a family or not?

So if a millionaire who has never married, never had kids, has no relatives, dies, his estate is still subject to inheritance tax.

Its nothing to do with having a family, it just a govt tax on money in a deceased persons estate!!

As for his age getting older throughout the thread, it is possible for this man to be old enough to be Ops grandfather and like a grandfather to her kids! Grandparents come in all ages, I know people in their forties who have grandchildren, my parents were in 70s before they had them (due to both them and Db and I not marrying until our 30s).

Op, I think what your friend has done is lovely, accept it with good grace and ignore your Dsis.

Never been offered a house but I regularly have the jealous sister stuff & for some reason my mum is “mean” to me to make sis feels better. Drives me up the wall.

When I was little & she was a baby I was told it was bad to be jealous of her getting attention etc (don’t think I was but that’s another story.

Apparently in my family those rules only apply to me.

Your priority is your dc’s. Just have to make the decision that’s right for you and them & ignore her. It’s bloody hard sometimes and sometimes you just want to slap her. There are drains & radiators in this life. Suspect I know which she is. Good luck xxx

Ps me & dc have a lot of fun by ourselves & with friends & spend v little time with family these days.

Accept the House !!

Take it. Your responsibility is providing a safe secure home for your children, not soothing your sister or managing the relationships between her, your mother and her partner.

I know this time there is a lot of money involved, but trust me, it only takes a tiny amount before these sorts of problems come up.

If your mum has a problem with it she should be discussing it with her partner not you.

Enjoy it and pay it forward when you can x

Feck them ALL... take the HOUSE OP

You know it's easy for others to say stand on your own two feet, say no etc etc.

In your shoes 99% of people would grab this wonderful and blessed opportunity with both hands and thank their lucky stars they've been so fortunate.

Embrace this, do something very nice to show your appreciation and as you say, pay it forward.

Your sister would take the House.
You should take the house.
Your sister won’t house your children in the future, you need to do that so you take the House and live in it and cherish your home and family.

It it means a better future for your children, you should take the house.

One day when you are on your feet one day perhaps you can 'pay it forward' and help somebody be out who is less fortunate.

Your sisters emotions are hers to manage. She has stated her opinion, you disagree, end of story. Your relationship needs to move on now.

Accept it with a full heart. Clarissa Dickson-Wright said one of the hardest things about being rich and wanting to share the good things in life was the difficulty of getting the people she liked to accept any of it. Of course it can cause problems at times, but allowing people to be generous is a kind of generosity of its own.