Adult sibling envy

[noshoessus]

Hi all,

I am looking for some words of advice. My mother is good friends with a man who's business absolutely exploded 15 years ago and he has become a millionaire. He is a devout socialist and instead of hoarding or investing his money, he has been helping out people close to him.

I was living in London and struggling with two young kids on the breadline for 3 years when my partner and I broke up and I came home to Wales to stay with my mum until I worked things out. At this point, we'll call him P, offered up one of his holiday homes for me to stay in. This place is beautiful, it's surrounded by countryside and comes with a bit of land.

Anyway to cut a long story short, he has offered me the house as a gift, it's the most bizarre scenario, obviously I am delighted. My main problem is that my sister, who still lives away and doesn't even know P personally, is reacting with such jealousy that she is absolutely furious with me for accepting. She claims she would never have accepted this (she has no kids and a well paid job and spends her free time travelling the world).

How on earth would you deal with this situation? My mother is feeling so guilty that my sister feels this bad, she is taking her side. I am being ostracised by my whole family. What should I do?

It wouldn't be unreasonable to accept it, lucky you!

Your sister's feelings about it are probably down to the fact that it came by way of your mother's connection to this man, not yours. If it was some friend from school who won the lottery and bought you a house, she probably would only be 'why can't those things happen to me?' grade jealous. I can understand that it feels different to her that you have benefitted financially from being your mother's daughter in a way that she - your mother's other daughter - has not.

I don't know of your mother has a house or much money she will eventually hand down, but in your position I would take the house with gratitude and make it clear to my family that as I'd already 'inherited' my mother's friend's generosity (which will be born of his affection for her), I'd expect that my siblings would be the ones to inherit her other assets.

Cross post OP

Question is what does P want in return? Also what's wrong with standing on your own two feet

Bloody hell, that's harsh.

Personally OP I would accept the kindness and tell your sister to do one. She's the one being unreasonable.

If I was your sister, yes I would be bloody jealous. But I’d also be extremely grateful to P for giving you and your dc some stability having gone through a shit time.

She sounds pretty petty and selfish tbh

Bite his hand of.
You'd be foolish to turn him down especially when you have 2 kids to think about.
Your sister is jealous. I wonder what she would do if she was in your position? Would you begrudge her her good fortune?
Also my door is always open and she can have my inheritance are all well and good but don't be too well meaning.
People take the piss.

As a single mum with two DC I would definitely accept.

My sisters husband came into money and they have bought two properties - I can't even buy one. Whilst it sucks and I'm jealous. I'm not jealous that she has homes, I'm just wanting a home of my own. Your sister should be pleased you and your children have a roof over your head. Honestly, how nasty to feel otherwise.

Sorry! That should day your sister's feelings, not hot disgusts! Must learn to proof read.....

OP.. your too kind...

Juniumizoomi, they aren't a couple but good friends, he hadn't discussed this with my mother before making the offer. It wasn't anticipated that my sister would react so strongly so my mother is feeling guilty because obviously her friend is doing something amazing for one of her daughters and not the other, for some reason shes turning on me.

Mmmbop, you are right, this is harder for her because this gift is partly down to the merit of my mothers and P's friendship, but I also have a good relationship with him and he is like a grandfather to my kids. It's difficult because he barely sees my sister. He has actually given 3 of his properties away so far and he can hardly do the same for all of the siblings of the people he has chosen to help. Isn't it awful how money can bring the worst out in people and come between families.

Thank you all for your kind and reassuring responses

What a lovely man.
I am happy to hear that you will probably accept graciously for yourself and for the good of your children.

We had a very thoughtful and generous landlord many years ago. He and his wife were just wonderful people who were able to assist the next generation in their own small way.
They kept the rent low, gave us lots of notice when they needed to sell, let us have first dibs on the sale, happy to sell to us under its actual value. We didn't actually buy it in the end but we will always remember them for their kindness towards us.
Good people are around and about and goodness me, your sister should be happy that the kids have a home. If she doesn't understand that on her own now then she soon will and then may feel like a total numpty for making a fuss!

This man isn’t trying to avoid inheritance tax by giving away properties? So he has kids of his own, I wonder how they feel about that.

If I’m honest I would think there was something between you and this man, and I wonder if your mother and sister suspect the same.

Alternatively he may not be of sound mind.

Thanks for that Bluntness. He's actually just a good person with more money than he could ever need for himself. It's sad that you can't believe that there's people like this.

No op, when people have children of their own, possibly grandkids, who build up successful business then gift a younger woman a house, then it would be much more common there was a relationship there, probably a sexual and illicit one, that would cause him to do his family out of money.

In addition. It would be very unusual for a whole family to ostracise a member of their family for some good fortune when they were in dire need. Usually that happens when they dislike the circumstances associated with it or what they see as was done to get it.

However, you say he’s just a kindly man doing his family out of their inheritance and your sister is just jealous and uour mum feels guilty so is ostracising you too.

Very unlikely wouldn’t you say?

He's actually just a good person with more money than he could ever need for himself

But it’s not for himself, is it, you’ve already commented on inheritance tax, so he has a family.

So many assumptions. I haven't once said he has his own kids and your assumption that I am in a sexually illicit relationship with him is ridiculous and offensive. He is old enough to be my grandfather. He has helped out many others.

Your opinion is not welcome here, it is neither helpful nor productive.

I have a friend who was struggling financially when we first met, who I helped out from time to time in small ways to ease their burden. They are now very comfortably off, living in a gorgeous huge house. When I first visited them in their new circumstances, I was slightly jealous, but those feelings were quickly overshadowed by gratitude and joy that my friend's financial struggles were finally at an end.

OP if you were my sister, I would be so happy for you! I really would. I would also hope to be invited for a bank holiday weekend once in a while, too.

Enjoy your beautiful home, be as gracious as you can possibly be to those around you, and let go of the idea that you can control the way other people behave and feel. You can't.

He is old enough to be my grandfather

That’s interesting, because earlier he was more like your children’s grand father. He’s getting older as the thread goes on.

You also mentioned inheritance tax, so it’s natural to assume he has a family. Are you saying he doesn’t?.

You can’t dictate who answers on a thread. That’s not how public forums work.

Am I reacting as your family are? As a pp said, normally you’d be delighted for a family member who was struggling. I wonder why yours are cutting you loose.

It never ceases to amaze me how money can affect people. Accept the house and congratulations

Your sister needs to get over it, she should be happy for you not jealous, but as I said, money does strange things to people.

I'd be quite the psychopath to start a thread anonymously on a forum and tell mistruths. What the bloody hell would be the point in that? I'm here for some constructive advice on what to do in my situation. Not to be grilled by jumped up strangers accusing me of lying.

Sounds like this man just has too much money and knows you can’t take it with you.
I personally would take it as is prioritise my family. Your sister is just jealous. Would she not do the same?
(In my experience, those that would reject this offer would be the ones who don’t make a song and dance about what others do).

Thanks blue dog and altiara, I'm sorry about the tone of my message amidst your kind thoughts

How marvellous OP. I hope you accept for you and your children. If it was my sister I might be enviousish! For abit but my over riding thought would be how fab....

Take the house OP, and sod your sister, envy is a horrible thing and sadly anything to do with money brings out the worst in some people. It isn't about not standing on your own feet either, I doubt many people would turn down a free house with no strings attached, and it will give you a security to do whatever you want with your life, and as you say you may chose to pay it forward as you will have more disposable income with no rent/mortgage to pay. I've known older childless people to do similar good deeds because it gives them pleasure to see their money helping people when they are around, not just handing it over to charity with a huge wedge of tax out of it when they die with no one to pass their wealth on to.

My parents bought me a house when I was pregnant, they haven't bought my DB a house but he isn't envious and resentful of it, he just knows that my parents want to make life easier for DD and I and he doesn't begrudge us that.

Don't talk about inheritance with your DS or DM, your good fortune doesn't mean you should be cut out of a will, you have your children to think of and any money that can help them do what they want in life is useful.