Hi, I'm posting this because I really need some objective feedback and I'm too ashamed about some of this to discuss it with my friends offline.
Please bear in mind that I do realise some of my actions have been stupid/naive. I have PTSD (from abuse) and have been working really hard on healing for quite some time, via therapy etc. I will discuss what's just happened with my therapist, but not seeing her until Monday. Please try not to be mean to me lol
To give some background, I'm 39, single, reasonably happy in life but have plenty of problems, seem to be considered attractive but issues with self-worth and somewhat poor self image....
I'd been voluntarily single for a loooong time while I focused on healing emotional issues. In August I met a man I instantly clicked with. He's my age, seemed sort of shy and very deep. Charming, intelligent and a bit quirky. He owns several yoga/meditation centres and that's an area I'm really interested in, so we had loads to talk about. In fact that's how I met him, I wandered into one of the yoga centres to buy a yoga mat, he happened to be in there that day and we got talking.
We went out a week later. The date was amazing. Talked for hours again. Continued like this for several weeks. At this point, in retrospect, there were a number of red flags that I should have noticed. I'd assumed he was just a hard-working 'normal', ambitious business owner. But by the 3rd date he'd revealed that he used to be a crack dealer for a number of years. He also revealed that he used to smoke crack (but doesn't now) and that he smokes lots of weed pretty much every day. He had even spent a year in prison abroad for a drugs related offence.
I just immediately glossed over all this. As things progressed I noticed he still wanted the hours and hours of deep conversation (which I loved), but he was becoming extremely sexual in a way that felt like it was moving too fast for me. I told him I don't have sex outside of a relationship and he started being really vague about his status. He said he's not sleeping with anybody but it sounded like that was because nobody has agreed to sleep with him, not because he's not been trying. He even gave me an example of one “very pretty” woman he's been taking out for meals but she doesn't seem interested in sex with him.
I also noticed he seemed to struggle to commit to normal dates. On at least 4 occasions he'd just text me around 3 in the afternoon to find out if I'd go and meet him that night and then he'd seem really deflated/annoyed when I already had plans.
We had a date set up at one point where he was being really flaky about whether he could even make it or not. He was meant to pick me up at my place and go get something to eat. But he said he felt a bit ill. Eventually he did show and it turned out he felt ill (had symptoms of a cold) because he'd done loads of cocaine the night before. He'd just sat in his office snorting loads of cocaine by himself. He somewhat reluctantly took me out for dinner then seemed to assume he was crashing at my place. He talked about how good he thought sex would be with me blah blah blah. We slept in the same bed but I made it clear I wasn't willing to have sex with him.
The next morning his behaviour was better and we ended up having a great conversation and we made out.
Fast forward to just a few days ago. We had plans in place for me to cook a meal for him on Saturday. However, on Friday afternoon he called me to cajole me into meeting him at one of his centres. I didn't understand the sense of urgency. I was unable to go due to work commitments and already had plans in place for that evening. He called and texted me throughout the evening begging me to go to his place. He was also sending graphic sexts.
It turns out he'd been sitting there snorting cocaine by himself. He had mentioned that he'd get some weed to bring over to my place on Saturday to smoke a spliff while watching movies. Although I'm not really interested in weed (last time I smoked weed was probably around 2005), I'd said sure, why not. But it turned out he also smoked all the weed he'd bought, by himself, that same night. He blames me for him having taken all those drugs on Friday as he said he did it because he was lonely and I hadn't shown up. But I'd never agreed to meet him on Friday, there was never any suggestion of it.
He later said, “I've been a naughty boy. When I get drugs I just can't stop until I've used up the lot.”
This is the second time he's looked all sheepish and said “I've been a naughty boy.”
Finally, on Saturday, we met up. He was immediately really sexually aggressive. Stupidly I went along with it. We had sex.
Immediately after sex he disappeared into the bathroom and I heard what sounded like him doing some kind of nasal cleansing ritual. I hear this almost every time he goes into the bathroom. And he seemed to be in the bathroom cleaning himself or whatever (but not showering) for a very long time. He has admitted before that he is OCD.
We went out for dinner. He was extremely pleasant and warm. The plan was for him to buy some weed and for us to go my place to watch movies. He called the person he wanted to buy weed from and the guy said he was out of town. My guy sounded desperate at that point. The dealer said he can't help him on this occasion. His entire mood changed. He looked crestfallen and seemed upset and nervous. We drove to my place. When we got there he suddenly said, “Actually I don't think I'll come in. I'm gonna go back to my mum's place.”
I was STUNNED.
At that moment I realised just how often his mother crops up in my dealings with him. He has more or less moved back in with his mother, after subletting his own home. He sleeps either at his mother's home or at his sister's. He says he likes it as his mother's home because it's comfortable, he gets to sit and talk to her and it would be stupid to pay for his own home when she has a spare bedroom at her house. He says he's doing this so he can invest more money in his business. His mum is constantly calling him on the phone. He describes her as his role model. She brings him meals to his workplace.
Anyway, he said “I'm gonna go to my mum's”. We had a bit of an argument. Eventually he decided he was going to come to my flat instead. It felt a bit awkward. We sat and talked. One thing led to another and we had sex again. Although the sex was great, he seemed pretty cold afterwards. We talked a bit about life and various other stuff. He asked me what I'd do if I got pregnant and when I said I'm Catholic and would be unlikely to have an abortion, he looked extremely unhappy. He said he wants kids but not for a very long time yet. So that in itself is insulting really. He went to the bathroom and did that weird nasal thing again.
We slept in the same bed but there was no cuddling or warmth at all. In the morning he seemed distant. Asked for a towel (back to the bathroom routine again). No kiss, nothing. We had coffee and talked for I guess two hours. The conversation was not about our relationship exactly. He was talking about various places he wants to take me and stuff to do together. He was back to his usual self during this conversation. Finally, he left. Back to mummy's house. He hugged and kissed me goodbye.
All I've heard from him since then is a text message that included a smiley emoji.
Having typed all this out I am thinking just three words: WHAT THE F-CK?
😥😥