DH doesn't get how difficult I'm finding this

[dothetwister]

I'm suffering with all day morning sickness and I'm off work as a result. DD goes to childcare some days, although I'm at home taking care of her for maybe 1.5 days per week. The full day on my own is horrendous, I struggle to cope.
This week, DH has made a mistake with out childcare arrangements, telling them we didn't need them on a day that we did. By the time he realised, it was too late to rearrange. I asked him to sort out an alternative, leaving it with him as there was nobody I could think of to step in.
True to form, DH has not communicated the lack of childcare arrangements to me until last night (the day we don't have childcare is today). He told me "you have to do it, we have no choice, I can't have the day off work."
This may seem small for some 'it's only one extra day afterall' but genuinely, a full day of looking after DD, preparing meals, entertaining her whilst I'm so sick all day is just dreadful.
I'm spending full days in bed some days where I can. And, if I'm too ill to work, how can I be expected to take care of a toddler all day for 2 days in a row? 1 was more than enough.
I'm not sure he fully appreciates and acknowledges how difficult I'm finding this. He's having to do a lot of the practical stuff- cooking etc as it makes me sick but he seems so resentful and tired of my complaining. I don't know how to get him to fully realise how difficult this is, I am in no fit state to take care of DD for 2 days on the trot whilst feeling this poorly. The day ahead seems such a mountain to climb... DD is 2.5 and can not entertain herself. I just want ro curl up into a ball on the sofa all day and shut my eyes...

Your husband sounds like a selfish arse. I’m sorry you have him to deal with on top of being so ill.

I can’t believe he didn’t organise food for your toddler and you before leaving for work. And he’s got nothing else to do except go to work and do some housework ! What a lazy pig.

Phone your Gp today and see a different one from last time. Tell them you can’t cope, are worried about losing you job / wages because of all the sick notes / can’t cope with your toddler / have an unsupportive partner and you NEED meds. Cry if you need to.

The meds are very safe for you and your baby and they help, as many others on this thread have told you. You can’t go on like this.

At the very least, he is unkind and inconsiderate.
You are ill, ill enough to be in sick leave by your GP.
When was the last time your DH was ill and at home. Did he expect to also look after a toddler and cook meals etc? I bet he didn’t. He would have been in bed expecting you to run around for him becaus he is so bad.

If this happens in the context of him expecting you to do all child related stuff, that looking a toddler is easy and your responsibility, that he does veritable parenting (aka looking after his own child, taking responsibility for her care etc...). - which from what you say is what I happening- then you have a Mitch bigger problem at hand. One where he doesn’t respect you nor the work you are doing.

I rank you need a talk. And to set very strong boundaries on what is acceptable behaviour from him. I appreciate that when you are so ill, this is very hard to do. Might even be impossible. But his behaviour was crap to say the least and he really needs to wake up to it.

Re you saying that his option of sending her sower he didn’t know eefor the day is you choosing to look after her.

Nope it’s not. It’s you choosing to put the wellbeing of your dd above yours. Something he clearly isn’t doing, neither for her, nor for you.
He could have taken a day off. Even half a day wouod have made a difference.
He could have chosen to help you by preparing lunch you and his dd.
He could chose to help with the HW, be in charge of arranging CM etc..
But what Is happening here is that, becabuse it’s not affecting him directly, he doesn’t care.

And that is very unkind. Please do not accept that.

No he didn't arrange alternative childcare Penfold... he didn't even enquire to see if it was possible. He told me he'd thought about it, I told him I didn't think it was a good idea and that I didn't think they would take DD at such short notice. Had he actually checked if it was possible, that would be him trying to arrange alternative childcare. But he was actually expecting me to sort it out by telling me his idea then doing little else about it.

I had that with all my kids....my first I spent weeks in bed in a darkened room throwing up water...by the time I had my second I had to get on with it...I didn't want to ,but I had to take tablets prescribed by the gp to stop the sickness,I worried dreadfully they would effect my child.but there was no alternative,I had to get on with looking after my dd..ive since had 2 more ,so 4 kids in all ,with 3 pregnancies I had to take anti sickness tablets ,..kids are all fine ,no damage done...lucky for the duchess of Cambridge she has lots of help,and probably won't need the pills...but I couldn't get out of bed without them

You have to make compromises and be understanding and acknowledge his contributions. - FFS, he did next to nothing. Offering to put a 2 and half year old with people she doesn't know is next to nothing. Is this the contribution you're referring to LittleBird? Is that actually it?

YANBU but both your dh and gp are.

I’m almost certain that current thinking is that treating hg promptly results in better outcomes, not adopting a wait and see attitude.

There are perfectly safe medication options and withholding them is cruel and unnecessary. See someone else without delay, a phone consultation should be fine. Yo you won’t feel marvellous but much better than this.

Ok, I see what you're saying about the childcare now. It's hard to really know whether he's being an arse, or if he's just focusing on work to make sure he can provide for his family while you are off sick and another baby is on the way.

All you can focus on now is how you feel and how awful it is- and I totally get that, I've had horrendous morning sickness with both m pregnancies for 20 weeks.

But your partner needs to go out into the world, make a living, and probably (hopefully) take on extra loads at home too because our can't Chip in anymore. It sound alike you are both stressed and stretched beyond your capacities. Taking it out on each other won't make things better though.

Can you get outside help? A neighbour or friend to take DD? Even on weekends to give you guys a break?

I'm so sorry to hear some women's stories of pregnancy sickness on here... it sounds absolutely dreadful for some of you. I atleast, do get some relief from sitting still and resting. I will contact my GP regarding medication, I would like to return to work. The constant wretching is also giving me terrible headaches on one side of my head over my eye... did anyone else have this?

You have to make compromises and be understanding and acknowledge his contributions.
As long as it works both ways and he is happy to make compromises and be understanding too.
Which he isn’t.
He hasn’t made any comprise or contributions. The most he has done is bring the OP a bowl of cereal because she asked for it.
He hasn’t found childcare, he hasn’t made a sandwich for her whilst making his. He hasn’t done anything at all.
He just carrying on with his life as if nothing else is happening.

OP please can I also remind you that you should NOT feel guilty for asking him to bring you a bowl of cereal. Or to help more. Or to sort out childcare. This is a NORMAL thing for him to do, someth8nng he should do wo you even having to ask.

I don't think he's being an arse Bird. Just not very forward thinking, I would say that he very much struggles to switch off from work.

Glad to hear you are considering trying the meds. Do go back to work if you can.

And once you feel better, have a serious talk with your husband about his lack of contribution and how you want things to work for the rest of pregnancy and during your mat leave. I think he needs a bit of a wake up call about the realities of being a father.

Littlebird Sorry but he CAN talk to his dwife about the childcare issue in advance. He CAN sort out childcare. He CAN ensure he is doing no mistakes with the days. He CAN prepare lunch for her etc...
All that WO it having ANY effcon his work.

That’s what women do everyday.
Please stop finding lame (!!) excuses for him because he is a man d he is bringing money. (Did you miss the fact that the OP is working too so ensuring she is resting well to be able to go back to work ASAP is essential too?)
That’s ort of attitude isn’t helping, nor the OP, nor her DH and nor the dcs (who are suffering from his poor behaviour)

Funny how women manage to switch off from work in order to care for the children

Ask yourself - who benefits and who suffers from your husbands “ struggles “ to switch off from work ?

What help has he sought for this problem he has ?

I bet you he has never sought help. Because it’s NOT a problem to him. It’s a benefit. And he won’t stop it because it’s working out just great for him, why should he?

He’s crap at doing things, so you do them for him. Bingo.

It’s not “ a struggle “.its a tactic to get out of doing what’s he doesn’t want to do.

I don't understand why you're not "allowed" anti sickness meds. I've had labyrinthitis twice now and both times the (different) Gps immediately said that the first thing to sort out was the sickness. Is it because your sickness is related to "women's troubles" that you're not allowed it immediately? That makes me very cross.

Secondly - so if your DH is ill at home, you can cancel childcare arrangements because he's there to look after DD? I'm guessing not. You are ill (though I question whether you should have to put up with this) and it's not fair to make you look after a child, no matter how dear that child is to you or how inconvenient it is to not have childcare that day - it needs sorting out.

Agree do whatever you need to to get through today, whether that's someone to help, TV babysitting, easy food etc. I think you have to talk both to DH and to GP about the other issues, both of which are stressful and exhausting when you really don't need that. I am really sorry

Is it because your sickness is related to "women's troubles" that you're not allowed it immediately?

It's a hangover from Thalidomide. Even though so much time has passed and medical research has advanced so much, people (medics included) are still scarred by it.

The pain on one side of the head over the eye sounds like a migraine.

I suffer from them anyway but I think pregnancy can set off migraines (might be worth a google)

Very little you can take for them unfortunately. just try to stay hydrated (easier said than done when you're being sick)

Have you tried sitters.co.uk? I've always heard good things about their people. They might be able to get someone round to help you this afternoon? They can play with your DD and sort out tea do you can have a rest?

www.sitters.co.uk/emergency.aspx

"I can't have the day off work"

Why not? He cancelled the childcare and didnt arrange any more, I'd say the embarrassment of having to have the day off work last minute should help him remember to not do that again.

I feel very similarly about it Storm.
If DH were to look after himself better, I think he'd be in a better place to take care of me/us/the house etc.
IMO he doesn't go to bed early enough, get up early enough, plan his time effectively enough, communicate with me enough, eat properly etc and his thoughts are always stuck in his job which is undoubtedly very demanding. I have spoken to him about this on numerous occasions, he's constantly tired out and overwhelmed, even when I'm well and life is ticking over as normal.

[https://www.pregnancysicknesssupport.org.uk]]

contact these people, they will help you get appropriate meds. I really feel your pain, I have never felt so hopeless and awful in my life as when I had HG in my last pregnancy. I had severe morning sickness in my other pregnancies too, but it was NOTHING like HG.

www.pregnancysicknesssupport.org.uk

Not had time to read the full thread...But...

Your GP is shit!!!

Have a read through the NICE Guidelines and the RCOG info on Nausea and Vomiting in pregnancy, and go back and see GP (a different one if possible). Take a friend/ relative if you need someone to support you in the appointment, don't take no for an answer.

My GP started me on Cyclyzine purely for the 24 hour a day nausea I had as I hadn't even vomited at that stage, that started later despite the Cyclyzine, so boy was I glad to already be on it. I have seen/ phone consultation various GPs over the last few months, and all have been supportive. I am still on a low dose of cyclizine at 26 weeks as the nausea has never quite gone, and the GPs are supportive of this.

Anti-emetics aren't a miracle cure, but they definitely worked for me, and make life a whole lot more bearable, although very tried/ drowsy as a side effect.

You DH is being a dick, have you got any friends/ family who have experience HG or are supportive of what you are going through who can have a 'no holds barred' chat with him.

I really feel for you, as it's hard to describe to someone who hasn't been through it how much impact one busy/ hard day can have :-( Can't imagine what it must be like to go through it with a toddler to care for (this is my first pregnancy and all I am currently responsible for is my puppy and that was hard enough during the worst weeks!!)

Tell your dh that if you are not allowed to rest and manage the sickness there is a very real possibility that you will be hospitalised so you can be put on a drip. It's not just about you but the safety of your unborn child.