Would you be a 'grass'?

[bitzy12]

Not really a relationship topic but not sure where to post.
Husbands ex who he has a child with claims all the benefits as a single parent and works 16 hours.

She also works cash in hand getting around £300 a week. I won’t say what the job is but she works mostly nights. It is nothing dodgy before anyone says anything.

Usually it’s 4 days/ nights a week she does. But the last 2 weeks it’s been every night. Now when she tries to FaceTime his child, he gets a message back saying she’s at work. She also does 16 hours in her other job.

Dh is really worrying over 1: who has the child when she works nights. Sometimes it’s her mum but others she won’t say.

2: how often she is with the child as the child goes to school then the mother starts work at 4pm. We have the child on a weekend - Friday to Sunday.

1. When she’s not working, she’s out. Never has been one to be able to give her social life up for her child.

He never misses a payment in maintenance before anyone asks if he contributes. He does.

He is seriously thinking about ringing hmrc and saying about her extra work. She will be getting £500 a week with these extra nights easy.

She is a very difficult person and thinks she’s gods gift because she’s raising a child on her own. She gives dh clear instructions on what the child is and isn’t allowed to do.

This has all kicked off because she found out the child had sweets when with us and apparently ‘not allowed sweets’ her attitude was terrible towards him when she collected the child but it was clear to see she was hungover from the weekend.

She accused dh of being a bad dad etc etc. It’s really brought him down. Over a packet of sweets lol.

Now I know she is allowed to do what she wants, work what she wants, have the social life she wants etc. But it really is getting to dh and the affect it has on the child being passed around while she works or goes out.

I’ve explained the affect it might have on the child if he does make that phone call and hmrc take action against the ex.

It does really piss me off though that some families struggle to make ends meet - ours been one - while others just take advantage of the whole benefit system living the high life. She will get tax credits, housing benefit, possibly income support which I bet covers her rent as her house isn’t that expensive. Then the money from her other job plus her cash in hand job.

Plus this woman isn’t nice. She’s done so much - this isn’t my first post about her and probably won’t be the last. She’s been physically violent towards my husband, bruised his arm not too long ago. When they were together she made him open a catalogue, spent £3000 on it and then kicked him out leaving him with the bill. She’s a nasty piece of work.

I should also explain that they live 40 mins away from us so it isn’t really possible to have the child anymore while she works.

Should I try stop him being a ‘grass’ or let him do it? I feel for the child in both ways here.

Ffs we can’t do more because he works until 8pm sometimes 9pm on a night. I cannot have the child, I would be they would have to be dropped off to me and collected on a morning for school as I have my own child that I need to get ready. So because of the distance it isn’t possible. Dh does everything he can for that child. Literally everything. What should he do? Change his ours at work so she can go off earning extra money for her social life?

There is no jealousy on our part what so ever. Concern for the child absolutely. When you ask the child where they have and you realise they have barely been at home all week - that’s a concern. I’m afraid to say drugs may also been involved in this.

And yes she does need to get off her high horse. End of. You don’t know this woman. She brings my dh down on social media constantly, puts pictures of the child on with her druggie boyfriend saying ‘least they have each other’ like my dh doesn’t exist. Then gets comments saying what an amazing mother she is. It’s all bollocks and dh has had enough.

Strongly suggest you keep off social media. Concentrate on giving the dc a stable life whilst with you. Do you know the bf name? Could you Google him? I found out some delightful info about someone this way. Has dh considered reporting her or Ss?

Today is Thursday, he hasn’t spoken to the child since dropping him off on Sunday. She won’t answer his calls/texts nothing. So when dh picks up tomorrow and he asks where he’s been staying it will probably be another case of ‘haven’t really seen mum’ like it was last week.

Ffs not jealousy, just worrying about a little child. I will support my husband in whatever he chooses and yes it’s not my place but he’s my husband and he’s been put through hell because of her. And I care about the child too. Honestly it’s like you get told your not involved but I bet I’d get slammed for not caring if it was the other way round. Can’t win.

I don’t put anything on social media, I’m not even on it. It’s a mutual friend who showed dh all the posts. Yeah know his name, he’s recently been banned for drink driving for 2 years. He’s delightful.

know tax credits is £26000 a year.

Eh? No.

He can't have the child more because he works. So she has to find childcare that she thinks is appropriate so she can work. You don't expect him to change his working hours to help out more. So it's all left on her.

I'm genuinely interested in what you expect her to do? Stop working? Or work full time? Will your DH contribute to childcare costs for care he feels is more appropriate?

You need to gently ask if ds has been in a car with him driving, anything you can report him /her for. Failing that refuse to return dc and seek legal advice /report to Ss. Or accept she is a shit dm and move on.

First thing to be aware of is that when someone gets investigated, all their benefits can be cut off without notice. That is a big deal if it subsequently turns out that she isn't doing anything wrong and will have a knock on negative effect on the child. So be sure before you go doen that route.

If this was my child, I would contact ex and insist on knowing who had my child while she was working. Can the child not tell his dad? If she was cagey/refused to answer I would see a solicitor about going for residency. I know a lot of people think that what happens when the child is with one parent is none of the other parent's business, but I disagree. I think both parents have a right to know who is looking after their dc. If she is working legitimately, perhaps your dh could have dc on those nights. I think I would push for that rather than go for residency if she is agreeable. If not, then I would be very clear to her tgat I had safeguarding concerns amd if she didn't satisfy those concerns by being upfront then yes, I would go down the legal route and even threaten to report her to ss or the benefits people.

I also think your dh has to have a clear conversation about how, as a parent, if he chooses to give his child some sweets, that is his prerogative - she might be rp but she is not the only parent.

You do have to be prepared to fight your corner to obtain information and fair treatment. But please keep in mind that raising a child is expensive - your dh may well be paying what csa says, but we all knoe this barely touches the sides of what it actually costs to raise a child. Could your dh pay more, so she could work less? Could he look after his dc more?

I've rambled on here, but in short I would do whatever it takes to ensure my child is safely looked after but I would try to work with her before going down legal/threatening routes and would only do this if she absolutely refused to share info to which your dh is entitled for safeguarding his child.

Is the child old emit to trek you who looks after him?

Do you genuinely believe she would leave the child with someone incapable of looking after him?

For me, the welfare of the child would be my primary focus.

What outcome would he want by reporting her?

If she is convicted of fraud, has any thought been given to how that will affect your DSS?

She may not be a good person, but your DSS and the impact on him should be the top priority.

I think it's because you are tying up the two issues bitzy. I think maybe if you started a thread with your concerns about the child's welfare and leaving out the benefits etc you would get good advice about what to

X posted with you there OP. Yes, I think legal routes/ss might be your best bet

If you're worried about the child's welfare, then you do everything within your power to seek sole residency, surely? Yes, that may mean adjusting your lifestyle and working hours. Yes, that would mean you, OP, having an active role in raising the child.

Otherwise it looks like you're just on a bitch about the money, doesn't it? You're concerned about the child's welfare but not concerned enough to do anything?

I hate the idea of cheats, whether it be benefit claims, global companies paying very little tax or MP's expenses. However, in this instance I would not report her, the fallout could make your life a misery. If he does report, he better be sure you and his families are all squeaky clean.

Thank you Aderyn17 - for me you have hit the nail on the head there. We do know for definite she works cash in hand. And if people would read what I have put, I don’t think hubby should do anything regarding getting her in trouble. It’s frustrating but it would cause so much trouble for the child. And us and her, it’s not worth it.

The child does say when they have been at grandmas. But they just shrug their shoulders if asked if they have been with anyone else.

I’m not going to reply to this post anymore as it’s just opening a can of worms and going off the actual subject.

Dh is most definitely not paying her anymore. He pays her over what he should (not saying the amount as for some goodie goodies it most likely won’t be enough - it’s over £300 month - the cost of her rent is what he pays) and has just got out of her debt that she left him.

Your dh should go and speak to ds teachers, see if they have noticed any changes in behaviour /given info about worries. He can voice concerns with them which will be noted for future reference.

I wouldn't. People do tend to want revenge and it wouldn't take a genius to work out who done it.

I know you’re not replying to this anymore but just in case you’re reading it still:

I wouldn’t report the benefit fraud but I would be annoyed and I would be tempted to on the days she’d particularly wound me up; but I’d never actually go through with it if I wasn’t 100% Crystal clear on the circumstances and prepared to have the fallout from it.

What I would be doing is looking into applying for residency if I was your DP. Especially since you say you suspect drugs are involved. You have said your ex works long hours and that’s why it’s not possible to have his DS/DD more than he already does but, if he were to get residency, then I’d expect him to either work or find childcare around the child. It’s not easy and it is hard work and he’d probably end up with less money but I think those things are pretty worthwhile sacrifices to make to make sure your kid is safe.

Also - getting her benefits stopped is likely to force her out to work more, probably in even dodgier circumstances, to make ends meet. That isn’t going to be great for the welfare of the child involved.

Sounds to me like sour grapes. Your pissed off that she gets benefits and your child may have theirs cut.

I know a girl that was claiming and doing small cleaning jobs for cash and she was reported. It turned her whole life upside down and massively affected her children's lives. Had to move far away to be able yo afford rent etc. She couldn't work more than 19 hours or her reduced childcare would be affected and she needed that so she could work the 19 hours.

Personally I would say nothing.

How dare you myheartbongsto. My child is absolutely nothing to do with this and you have no idea about my child or her disability. Disgusting and absolutely untrue comment. That’s actually very hurtful to be honest. My child has nothing to do with this post.

And no jealousy, financially me and dh are fine. Not rich, not poor. Some months harder than others but that’s the same for everyone. We don’t claim benefits we shouldn’t. We get very little benefits anyway as dh is a well paid job. This is not jealousy.

Her going to prison isn't going to help the child. If you are genuinely worried about the child's welfare surely it's appropriate to see a solicitor or social services.

Wow, I'm amazed and disappointed at how many posters are happy to tolerate benefit cheats.

The woman is working part time with benefits topping that up and then bringing in an additional 14-15 grand of undeclared cash earnings per annum. That's taking the piss out of decent people who pay their tax, she deserves to be caught and face the consequences just like any other criminal.

I'd grass her up straight away if it was me.

It's the state she's ripping off, and so is the employer who is paying her 300 quid a week in cash.

Whoever she is - she's on the fiddle and so is her employer.

I don't tolerate benefits cheats, but I am pragmatic. I know the current system fucks people over, with its worst reserved for the disabled and women, especially single mothers. There are many mothers working, on benefits and still struggling to care for their children.

Personally I'm more concerned about the £35bn a year in uncollected tax than single mothers doing what they have to do. Knowing the impact of being sanctioned on the child - my primary concern in any situation - no I would not report them.

Agree 100% with Tammy. Plenty of people fleecing or depriving the state/ beong financially diahonest through non declaration of tax, excessive expenses, undeserved and exorbitant bonuses, single payment land subsidies, who wouldn't tolerate living one day in a SP's life, or any struggling wage owners life for that matter. How much better off everyone would be if people directed their ire upwards, or if at least the same rules were at applied across the board and not disproportionately on those with the least power.