Husbands running away again...

[Glitterpony51]

So husband has left me again..
Brief sad story
2 years ago we had a nice life or so I thought we owned a company together were happy I thought. Husband was stressed and anxious work gave him anxiety and ocd but I supported him. Then one day he said he didn’t feel well was going home and then later in the day called me home to say he was leaving and he didn’t love me. He’d put all his stuff in storage and went off on his motorbike.
So in a day I lost him, my job, and was heartbroken. A few months later he wanted to come back said it was a mistake and now he didn’t have the work stress he was still in love with me.
We moved counties last year to be nearer my only family my older sister, he wasn’t happy there so a year later we moved counties again.. all this time he’s had 5 jobs now has one he’s always wanted but he’s stressed again and tonight came home and says it’s not working and he’s leaving.
Quite honesty writing this down I feel like a fool, I know it’s late and I don’t expect replies but writing it down at least stops me crying or worse!
We have no children and have been married 17 years.
What an stupid old fool I am.

OP, you are not a fool. But you do need to start putting yourself first. Would you like to move back to be closer to your sister? Start making plans. The practical stuff will distract you from the horrible emotional stuff going on.

He sounds like an unstable mess to be honest. And selfish - making you move away from your only family? Leave him to it. You have obviously tried to help him and it's not working because he can't help himself (hence running away when things get tough). Figure out how to be happy with yourself and for yourself. Yes, it is horrid and sad at the moment, but you can and will get through this.

Have you called your sister and told her what's happened? It might help.

Sounds really tough OP.
He seems very childish, he is not taking responsibility for himself, for his feelings.
I would not want to be with someone who does not want to be there. You deserve better.
Let him go and move on. I suspect it might be hard to hear and it will be painful. Do you want to live with a man child who does not know what he wants and gets you through all kinds of emotions?

No bank accounts are still separate after last split and I’ve savings in my name, not enough to live on but he hasn’t only a small ISA.
He’s not responsible for money at all.
He’s a real man child.
Trying to get through work today I work in a public place so I’m trying to be brave.
We’ve been together for 25 years total and he was my whole world.
I’m breathing one minute at a time.

Keep on breathing Glitter you will get through this.

Keep on breathing, what a total shit he is.

25 years is a long time and you probably can’t imagine a life without him in it. But he’s only been looking out for his own best interests and it’s time you did the same.

One breath at a time.

I'm sorry you are going through this again.
Please look after yourself though.
Sugary tea or coffee and fake it 'til you make it!

Please find a way to do something selfish, and fun, just for yourself. Spend earmarked money if you have to. Get our of your comfort zone just enough to have some real FUN.

If I could, I'd rock up to yours in a hired convertible - oooh or even a motorbike with a sidecar!! - and we'd go into town, get INSANE and shocking hair cuts and dyes, carry around a cheeky flask to nip from throughout the day, spend an afternoon window shopping and drinking wine at snooty restaurants (and get booted from at least one of them!), we'd go get ourselves some cheap and too-sexy-for-our-age outfits, and we'd go to a night club and be those two mature ladies they'll talk about for years to come who showed 'the kids these days' how to have real fun. Then we would stumble back to yours at unholy-o'clock, drunk and loud and laughing enough to wake his sour arse up and make him wonder why we were so bloody happy and carefree, and we'd be too drunk to manage a cuppa and pass out on right on the bloody kitchen floor! We'd have hell to pay in the morning from our poor heads, of course, but it would be SO worth it to confuse him and give him a taste of his own medicine!!

That's what we'd do!

It’s interesting that the general option seems to be childishness. That’s exactly how it feels and his inability to cope with stress.

You’re all fab that’s why I love mumsnet!

You would feel much better Glitter if you took back some control.

What is he doing there in your house if he has "left you"? Make plans for yourself, even if short term ones for now, give him a date that he must be moved out by, next Monday say.

He seems to think that he can call all the shots, he needs to find out that he is wrong.

Stop trying to be friendly to him, start being friendly to yourself.

From those that have experienced something like this how do I go forward with this? My heart is so broken he’s like a different person right now.
How do I move on when I’ve been blind sided again??
Just how?

Today I’ve woken up with that sick start that you get when you remember what’s gone on and realised how alone I feel.
I’ve been trying to see where he changed and I think it was a couple of weeks into his new job.
I’ve realised in the last few weeks all we talked about was his work, he’s been very quiet and withdrawn but still verbally affectionate if that makes any sense.

Even if no one reads this writing it down helps.
Or just makes me sadder.
I really feel like I can’t go on...
But then I read posts and people do, months later they mostly say they are happier.
I want that to be me

you need to start from the point "he is never going to do this to me again" as a positive and move up from there.

look at your financial position. what assets do you have? what earning potential? where do you want to live? nearer your sister?
get house valued if applicable. start moving on and away from him. it sounds like you couldnt have done any more you only get one life.

It's early days . Take one step at a time.
I know that awful feeling you talked about when you wake up, it's hard to describe but it's grief . People don't just grieve when people die.
Please be strong and put yourself first . You need to set the ball rolling to get out of this and move on .

It’s very early days, you’re still in shock. Treat yourself kindly, one day at a time right now.
Keep writing it down if it helps you, there will always be someone here to listen.

I understand how you feel, Glitter (as much as anyone else can ever understand) and it's a horrible feeling. But, as others have said, it really does pass with time and the feeling at the end of it is a very good feeling. Be strong

Keep waking up with the sick realisation that this is all real.
Please lovelies tell me it gets better.
I really feel like I can’t do this.

You can do it. Just think of that time in a couple of months when you will be happier - that will happen for you like it has happened for others because you are taking control, one very small step at a time. Have you got yourself a cuppa yep this morning? Got anything planned today?

It really does get better! But you will have to start treating yourself well.

It’s time for hobbies and interests and friends. He has been your world, but YOU need to be in that spot.

Glittering I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. I haven't been in your exact situation but I've had my marriage end and felt like things would never be ok again. But I promise you can get through this and you will.
It is grief and it probably feels unbearable right now. But you won't always feel like this.
Do you have any plans today?

Well I’ve booked my car in for a service at the dealership near my sister where I vaguely know the young service guy. My ex was going to do it for me next week but I thought I’d do it myself.
Big step for mousey me.
Service guy hugged me and I’m glad I’m doing stuff for myself. Here right now waiting for it to be finished.
I’m meeting a friend from my old work later then more family time tomorrow.
Interview Monday on the way home.
I’m sure once I return home I’ll feel a whole lot worse. But that’s 2 days away.
One thing that’s different this time is I have so many more friends than when he left the first time.

It is grief, the pain is so bad. I have to really try not to focus on the good times we had.

What I learned is that you don't have to stop loving him (yet) but you can be strong anyway. Do something nice for yourself this weekend - just a bar of chocolate or something. It honestly does get better.

Take off those rose tinted glasses .He is not your world and your not his .I bet if you really looked objectively at the relationship you would see that you make excuses for everything he does.We all do this to some extent but if you take him back again you really will be a fool.
His leaving and coming back is about power and control over you-not something you do to someone you love