Having a bit of a meltdown

[pinkkoala]

Maybe getting this completely wrong but i am divorcing ex h on unreasonable behaviour. I have left the marital home on 9th june and using unreasonable behaviour as my grounds. But getting in a flap as not sure if i can do that as seperated nearly 6 months now.
The reasons i am using are complete marriage breakdown, seperate bedrooms 5 years prior to separating, no financial support for dd, i had to move out and rent while he stays in marital home, him still trying to control who i see/where i go etc even now when we aren't together, him also now refusing to have dd while i work at nights.
I could go on deeper about police being called, a police notice being issued and possibly after this weekend gone he may be receiving some sort of order.
But he has said that he will sign providing its not too bad so trying to keep it sweet.
Can i still use unreasonable behaviour even if i left on 9th june.
I can't wait 2 or 5 years.

[Whyiseverynameinuse]

So sorry you are having horrible time with this OP. I am in same process but further on. My solicitor told me it's fairly unusual to contest divorce petition and if there's a dispute on your grounds then to remain flexible and negotiate between solicitors to agree wording. My stbxh didn't agree on my grounds at all but i amended slightly and got it through.

I don't think it has any bearing on divorce itself or the financial settlement so don't get too attached to the wording, altho no need to completely sanitise obviously. Your solicitor should be able to reassure you re: timings.

It will happen but it does take time to go through it all. Look after yourself, it's tough.

[pinkkoala]

How much further on are you, how long did it take for the courts to send him out the official forms with the acknowledgement of service. Trust me my ex is a vile man and is still trying to control.

[Hermonie2016]

The divorce stage after serving papers can be pretty quick.Depends on how busy the courts are but you will get an idea when the decree nisi is pronounced after papers submitted.

Alongside this you need to resolve child contact and finances.
Finances are usually sorted before divorce absolute.
So alongside the divorce you will need a consent order, which is the details of what has been agreed.
This can be tricky if your ex is high conflict.
It might be tempting to sign away lots to him but solicitors needs to properly advise you. It's common to want to get a quick resolution but you must also safeguard your future.

[pinkkoala]

He should get draft copy from solicitor tomorrow and then has 14 days to reply. I am stressing so much.
I have had to call police in several occasions as he has been round shouting or just causing me distress, our dd is now starting to copy his behaviour towards me, she is becoming very nasty to me.
I so want this all to be over.

[pinkkoala]

Can i ask do solicitors send out post first class or second.

[BeckyDawn]

I left EXH in July 2015. Didn’t apply for the divorce til August (I think) 2017. The hearing for the Nisi was mid Sept and my solicitor has it now but we’re holding off applying for the Absolute as my name isn’t on the mortgage but I put a charge on with the Land Registry before I left.
If he gets the Absolute he can apply to take it off and I’ll get bigger all. I’m divorcing him for Unreasonable Behaviour and I listed about 6 things, it was accepted immediately.

Having a nightmare myself at the moment with it all. The stress in unbelievable and I’m constantly on the verge of tears. He’s not paying much CM since being sacked from his job earning £60+K a year so now we are entitled to £7pw from his benefits. I’ve had it once last month. Expected £28 today and got £7.17. Not sure why and neither are CMS.
Meanwhile he’s telling DS13 about his 3 week trip to NY and his Caribbean cruise he’s had this year

Seriously thinking about where I go from here.

Make sure you can’t claim your court costs back. I have. I didn’t pay the £550 for the divorce. Think if you have an income of less than £1300 ish with one child you can get all of it paid and if it’s more they may help towards the cost.

Good luck

[pinkkoala]

Beckydawn did your ex agree to the divorce, did he sign the papers. What would of happened if he hadn't, could you still applied to courts.
Did you use a solicitor for all your divorce.
Was everything posted first class. All my correspondence from solicitor is done by email to me.

[Whyiseverynameinuse]

OP do you have any support irl? Have you been in contact with Women's Aid? You do sound so stressed, you poor thing. Can you speak to your solicitor about likely scenarios and ways to counteract and handle any stupid behaviour from your ex?

My solicitor handled everything incl court hearing for non-molestation order so I don't know exactly how long things took. I was also stressed beyond anything I'd previously known, esp when leaving house to collect dc and get to court in secret. I relied on friends and family to get me through the basics for a week or two. Can you reach out to some people for support?

[BeckyDawn]

Hi Pink.

Yes my solicitor dealt with everything for me (I filled in forms myself to keep fees down) she sent everything 1st class to the court. I get copies of letters to EXH either via email or post.

He did sign the papers but that’s probably as he didn’t realize I’d put the charge on the house so wanted to finalize everything and then swan off with all of ‘his’ money.

With being separated for over 2 years anyway I would have just re applied for the divorce under those reasons I think.

I set up a standing order from the beginning for £150 every 4 weeks to pay my solicitor. It built up quite a bit as I delayed things for about 18 months for various reasons but I’m now £4K into it and solicitor advised that when the financial side goes to court that’s when the costs escalate dramatically.

It’s so stressful and I really do know how you’re feeling. Been in tears myself most of the day.

[pinkkoala]

I have lots of family and friends support but i am also struggling with dd (13) as she is adamant she wants to live with her dad, he would tske great pleasure in that as he is using her to get at me, asking her everything i say or do, trying to get the pin code for my phone, even monday night he sat outside my house for 20 mins with her banging on my door because a car had parked outside my house, when i let her in she went round whole house to check i hadn't got anyone there. That was his influence, but like i told him its my house, my name on tenancy so i can have who i like in there.

[pinkkoala]

He has received draft papers and agreed them and given them back to me to post back to solicitor. Is that a good sign.

[BeckyDawn]

Fab news OP

[pinkkoala]

I suppose he can still change his mind when they come back from the courts.
Then i don't know what i will do.

[TatianaLarina]

Do you know why DD is so keen to live with her dad?

My concern would be that he will start to treat he like he treats you - control etc.

Has he ever been violent?

[pinkkoala]

She still thinks of that house as her home, l moved out into a new house. She also gives me so much greif and hates me for leaving, she treats me like her dad used to treat me.

[TatianaLarina]

So she’s picking up his absuive traits.

She feels like you abandoned her that’s why she’s so angry.

She’s also being manipulated by him which is abusive - he’s already starting on her.

I’d strongly suggest you find a way to stay with your daughter in the house while he moves out.

[pinkkoala]

Tatiana me and my daughter moved out in june as he refused point blank to move out and i knew i couldn't live with him anymore.
She stays with me 4 nights and her dads 3 nights but if she wants to stay at his an extra night i never stop her, she can ring him and stay there whenever she wants. She just says her home is the house with her dad, he earns a lot more than me so can do more with her, take her away etc.
All my friends and family have said let her go because of the way she is with me and she would realise its not a bed of roses there.

[pinkkoala]

Does anyone know can he still defend it or change his mind after signing the draft papers and when he gets the court ones.

[TatianaLarina]

Do your friends and family realise that he’s abusive? And how he is already manipulating her? The way she is with you is a result of his abuse. The more time she spends with him the more damage he will do. The harder she will find it to get away from him. He may try to alienate her from you out of revenge for leaving. (Google parental alienation syndrome). Money is no compensation for the damage he will do to her. It’s absolutely worth fighting for all the custody you can get.

With respect OP I think your friends and family are naive. Have you spoken to Women’s Aid?

[pinkkoala]

Hi just to say he has signed papers and my solicitor is now proceeding to the courts. He isn't instructing a solicitor, not sure if that a good or bad thing.
How long on average will it takes court to send out papers to him again.

[pinkkoala]

I have paid court fees direct to my solicitor today for divorce fees and it has been debited from my account, is this correct, as i thought i paid it to courts, they won't take another load of me will they. And how do the courts know i have paid.
Its probably me just stressing again.

[pinkkoala]

Can anyone tell me if there is something i c

[pinkkoala]

Pressed send by mistake.
Can anyone tell me if there is snything i can put in writing about care of dd. He doesn't pay any maintenance and wants 50:50. Thats fine. But he doesn't always do that as at last minute won't have her which means i can't them go and do my night shift.
We are divorcing and have said if he continues then i will also want my money out the marital home, approx 40k. I left with dd as couldn't take anymore. I am now in rented. He is unable to buy me out as his credit score so bad.

[TatianaLarina]

You need to ask your solicitor. If his cancelling contact time is jeopardising your job then it may need to be reduced to weekends (assuming you don’t or weekends).

[pinkkoala]

We both do 4 on 4 off and work around his shifts. He seems to be getting away with everything at the moment, no finacial support, i wash all her clothes she brings back. And i pay more in rent than he does in mortage. I could do with my share from the house to give me financial security. Oh and he still asking me for sexual favours, he makes me uncomfortable every time he comes round to collect dd.