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Original poster

Help understanding text please!

42 replies

Sancerresanwine · 01/11/2017 12:00

For a bit of background I have been dating / seeing someone new for a few months. Regular contact completely dropped off after i last saw him the weekend before last when a school acquaintance, who dated him briefly about 15 years ago warned me off him in no uncertain terms and it worried me. I told him it had worried me and he was horrified I would listen to a word she would say. He then didn't call over the following weekend when he said he would, but yesterday.

This is the text he sent me yesterday, after a missed call, much more formal in tone than previously-

Hey sancerre. How you getting on? Sorry I haven’t been in touch. Just getting my head around all the noise that has accompanied us! X

I haven't replied. I will call him maybe tomorrow to see how he's doing but I wasn't sure if this sounds like he's trying to end it and doesn't want to see me again. Would really appreciate any thoughts.

OP posts:
CookieMonster54 · 01/11/2017 12:13

If he wanted to ditch you, he wouldn't have texted at all, or he would have said, "sorry, you're ditched".

Speaking as a man, we're not complicated creatures, really.

TheNaze73 · 01/11/2017 12:14

I don’t think he’s trying to end it

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 01/11/2017 12:16

What did the acquaintance say exactly? Why did she warn you off him?

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 01/11/2017 12:56

Well, you have been warned. It is a red flag.

Getting his head around the "noise"?
One would think he would be more concerned with how you processed the information. Calling it "noise" is an attempt to categorically minimize the information.

Being horrified I would listen to a word she would say is plain manipulation. You choose who you listen to, not him.

He isn't ending it. He is tip-toe-ing around this hoping his past won't blow this relationship out of the water. He waited a week so perhaps your emotion about it would fade...but then he brought it up again, (oops imho). If it was "nothing" he wouldn't have brought it up again (maybe wait for you to bring it up). Perhaps he is waiting for you to dismiss it and declare to "forget about it" and move on.And

Any other red flags? Any wee niggles?
Be on your guard. Friend zone for the foreseeable future?

NotTheDuchessOfCambridge · 01/11/2017 12:58

What did she warn you about?

2014newme · 01/11/2017 13:03

I'd listen to the warning. What was it about? If it's he's a trainspotter, I can live with that. If he's violent, abusive, broke, a cheat, a crap dad, a cocklodger or a man-child I'd pay heed.

PNGirl · 01/11/2017 13:11

I would interpret that as "Sorry I haven't called but I was sulking. I'm ready for you to apologise now." Textbook manipulation.

Worriedrose · 01/11/2017 13:14

I think you need to not worry about his text and worry about why she warned you off
15 years is a long time ago, but still

Ninjakittysmells · 01/11/2017 13:17

What they all say ^

What was the warning? Did he answer her / your worries when you approached him about it or did he just jump to instantly horrified she would say such a thing?

I also agree with PNgirl that you are being manipulated into apologising.

Original poster
Sancerresanwine · 01/11/2017 13:18

She said he has form for being very full on then disappearing. In the intervening years he has had 3 relationships of about 3 to 5 years each... But he has also had periods of being single when he had flings. I kind of think... Isn't that usual?
Thanks so much for responses

OP posts:
Original poster
Sancerresanwine · 01/11/2017 13:18

Instantly defensive and horrified

OP posts:
Original poster
Sancerresanwine · 01/11/2017 13:20

He said they were kids and she had issues

Both true to be fair

OP posts:
PhoenixMama · 01/11/2017 13:24

If both those things are true & you think it’s normal relationship spacing why did you drop him right away?

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 01/11/2017 13:26

If he has nothing to hide then he wouldn’t be worried?

MatildaTheCat · 01/11/2017 13:32

He’s testing the waters. If you reply he will think it’s all blown over and you have set aside any concerns.

TBH it entirely depends on what the concerns were to make any judgement. If she said her had, for example issues with violence, gambling or criminality I would listen carefully and ignore the text.

If she was saying he was a poor timekeeper, unreliable or drank too much I’d form my own judgement since it was so long ago.

MatildaTheCat · 01/11/2017 13:32

Sorry, I missed that update. I would be worried about that.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 01/11/2017 14:14

Sounds like he is a confirmed bachelor. Do not let your heart get involved under any circumstances.
The relationship may have legs, but only on his terms and he has form for pulling the plug with no notice.
I wouldn't like that uncertainty .

schoolgaterebel · 01/11/2017 14:23

Just because his relationships haven't worked out in the past, surely this is par for the course and the reason he was single when you met him.

She sounds a bit like a bitter ex to me.

(If the warning she gave you was that he was abusive or a cheater then I'd be worried)

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/11/2017 14:31

What a strange explanation. Why would the "noise" mean he went quiet?

I would respond "I'm fine. Was surprised you disappeared." No more no less. See what he comes back with.

BadTasteFlump · 01/11/2017 14:33

She said he has form for being very full on then disappearing

Just sounds like sour grapes to me. Maybe he just wasn't that into her? If that's the worse thing she can think of to say, I would ignore because it means nothing.

I would be more concerned about his text. Just getting my head around all the noise that has accompanied us! makes him sound a bit of a nob tbh.

butterfly56 · 01/11/2017 14:43

All the relationships he's had and every one of the women is to blame in one way or another. I bet some of them had mental health issues!Hmm ...that the usual excuse when you're dealing with a man child!

Josuk · 01/11/2017 14:46

OP - so 15 years ago - with this woman he was quickly full on an then disappeared.....
And - I presume they were quite young then.
And then he dated 3 people for med/long term. And possibly some flings in between.....
She described most anyone, who didn’t want to marry too early, possibly focusing on a career, possibly because they weren’t mature enough.

What exactly worried you?
And given that it did bother your for some reason, and thatyou layed it out on him - the fact that he didn’t just cut his losses means he actually likes you.

If you want to continue with him - some sort of a frank conversation is necessary.
He didn’t do anything wrong here.

OpenThePickles · 01/11/2017 19:58

She dated him 15 years ago, I would think he's matured since then. I think he dumped her and she's bitter about it.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/11/2017 20:39

Defensive is understandable. Silent treatment is not.

Why did you tell him what she said? What reaction did you expect?

Starryskiesinthesky · 01/11/2017 23:05

I think it's a bit weird to have told him you were worried about what your friend told you. Especially because you have only been seeing him a few months.

Then i think his reaction is a bit weird - sounds to me like you are both a bit over the top.