Stressed with life - how do I cope?

[Whereissummer2017]

Please help me and give me some advice if tips on how to cope? I've completely lost my way and feel permanently melancholy. I really don't want to go on antidepressants and don't know what to do.

I’ve no idea what the stressors in your life are but I am learning from a book recommended here called The Untethered Soul . It has made me realise I am constantly self-criticising and reliving my mistakes. Which is exhausting, and advises on how to stop this. It is helping me.

Feeling like that is horrible. Asking for help is a really positive thing to do,I see it as evidence you are already regaining your direction. I find that going for a walk helps me to distract myself and if I do nothing else I have at least had the exercise, trying to eat well and rest also help.Are there any crafts or hobbies that you have enjoyed in the past and could try now?
In the past I have had counselling and it has really helped. The Samaritans are there is you need to talk at any time. Allow yourself to try the things you think you can tackle a little at a time if necessary.
Hope you start to feel better soon.

Sorry you're feeling this way. Are there particular things which make you feel overwhelmed? Work, family, housework, finances etc? I'm sure MNers will have lots of good tips and shared experiences.

I think everything is making me feel
Overwhelmed. I feel worried about my mum (she is old and lonely), I'm in long term relationship going nowhere (he's supportive and a good friend but the relationship isn't really there but at the moment he's my only support) I feel worried about work and my accommodation and I feel alone and isolated from my friends.

The thing is I have completely lost any motivation to do any of the things I used to love and when I do them I don't get any enjoyment. I used to love going on long walks, the cinema, listening to music, craft stuff and now I just can't be bothered. Even when I try I don't find it enjoyable. I've been feeling like this for years but it's got worse in the last two. I don't want to go on antidepressants which is what most people including the GP advise when I tell them and I feel stuck. I'm less and less interested in my work these days too.

I’m so sorry you feel this way. That sounds like a lot to deal with. I know you say you don’t want to go on medication but could you see them as a stepping stone, just to give you a leg up on the road to feeling better? You could go on a low dose and combine the medication with some other type of therapeutic treatment.

I found a low dose of ADs allowed me to take those first steps towards feeling better, at which point I picked up doing things like exercise and hobbies again, which in turn helped me feel better etc.

Do you mind me asking what in particular about antidepressants worries you?

It sounds like depression - why not try the antidepressants? I know it's not the answer you want, but you would accept medication for other types of illness, wouldn't you? It's not a permanent thing, it would just be until you're more yourself.

Have you thought about taking St Johns Wort? It works for some people, although can't be taken alongside some other meds.

Sorry to hear you're so low.

I'm feeling exactly the same way OP :(

What's your reason for being so opposed to the anti depressants - do you just not like the idea of it, or is there some other reason?

Some of these things can be addressed and improved but it's so hard to do that when you're in a black fog. That's where the meds come in, which will help you to see more clearly and allow you to enjoy things a little more. It's so difficult to commit to making changes when you feel so low.

Sending hugs

Sit down and list everything that's stressing you out.

Then sort them into categories:

• what's really important because in 1, 10, 50yrs you will regret not doing it properly e.g. quality time with family

• what's really important because it is key to your welfare e.g. quality time alone
• what would be nice but isn't really important (tidy house and so on)

Then for each, identify:

• what you could change in some way and how
• what you can't change and have to accept

Then rather than try to tackle everything, start with the things you can change, that have the biggest impact on either your welfare or life goals. Leave the rest for now. Start small by maybe picking one thing to change.

As someone who has been there and been on anti depressants, please listen to your GP and take them. I don't understand why people are so reluctant to take them when most of those people will take any other type of treatment or pill for any other illness. Depression is also an illness. Help is there for it, don't turn it down.

Agree with what others have said about ADs and otherwise. It can also help to realise just how many people go through what you're experiencing Life is hard, it never lets up and discontent steadily increases as we approach middle age. In my experience you're in the majority.
You could try yoga and meditation? They can help you to get outside of your melancholic thoughts and feelings, and find some stillness that does not change with how you feel day to day.

This is not something I do but I know people who do and they have found it hugely helpful and it's changed their lives.
My friend recommended THIS BOOK
It's totally changed how she looks at life.

You need to get a list together of what is good and what is not.
If this is not the relationship for you then end it.
It's all very hard, I'm sure but begin with some reading and take it from there.

Could you afford some counselling for yourself?
That would help.

I also agree about the AntiD
They will just help tip your brain back to where it should be.
It doesn't have to be a long term thing at all.
If you are feeling this down then surely anything worth a try to get back to your 'old self' which AD's can certainly help with.

Thank you for the advice and tips.

I just don't think I will take antidepressants. I'm worried that they will fog my brain and I won't be able to do my work; I'm worried they will make me put on weight when I'm already overweight; I'm worried they won't really solve my problem and I'll be on them for a few years at least. When I went to see the GP she said I'd need to take them for two years at least I think.

I'd just like a way of trying to deal or manage with this myself. I think a lot of stems from feeling incredibly disappointed about things and not feeling like anything will change. I used to have a lot of hope before and now I don't. I'm 30 and my 20s have been difficult and I think what makes me feel so despairing now is I feel that my 30s will be much the same.

I should leave my relationship but with so little emotional support I just don't know if that's the right choice.

There are a lot of different anti depressants. You can take one such as Setraline at a very low dose, short term just to help with anxiety (I know many people who do this)and mood which may be just the leg up to be able to get out there again. You don't need to commit to two years!

Is there anyway you can afford or access counselling. Many workplaces and unis offer a funded but restricted number of sessions. Some group practices offer cheaper rates at certain times of the day or for seeing less experienced counsellors. It could help with clarifying your next steps. GP's can you refer you for counselling but it is a postcode lottery but you might be lucky and be in an area where it can be accessed pretty quickly. I think you do need to talk to someone as you seem to be a bit moribund.

You might no longer enjoy walks - but do take them, the exercise will help (your waistband and sleeping at least, if you don't feel it helps your mood). Think about good things that have happened each day - even just making yourself a nice coffee, being able to afford the heating - things like that, just to offset negative thinking somewhat.

Show yourself compassion - what would the best friend you could imagine tell you about yourself, how would they look after you (how would they have your room look, what would they cook you etc and then do it for yourself) and what advice would they give you?

I honestly have no idea what you are going through.
But I do want you stop worrying about things that haven't happened and might never happen.
And if they do then you can deal with that at the time.
I'd rather be overweight and less depressed than feeling how you describe yourself right now.
Something's gotta give!!!
You know you cannot continue in this vein.
You need help and you need medication.
Don't deprive yourself of feeling or getting better.
It's self sabotage and just another way to punish yourself.
Stop punishing yourself.
You deserve to be happy.

Thank you. I do hear what you're all saying but for this moment I'd like to avoid antidepressants and don't want this to descend into please take ADs. I'd be very grateful if anyone has any other advice or mechanisms with how to get myself back on track.

Look into Counselling, mindfulness, yoga, walking daily, making a list of things to try and sort/ put right in your life, reading....

Pp have made quite a few suggestions!

What about spending more time with friends, joining an evening class or even an exercise class. I go dancing 2 or 3 times a a week. It keeps me sane.

Problem is, it's a viscous circle that only you can break. The ADs can give you a 'leg up' in the process. I was on ADs for about 9 months which was enough for me. I didn't put on any weight at all. Came off them no problem.

Having an elderly DP is difficult. I found that what made my elderly DM unhappy was the loss of faculties due to ageing. She couldn’t get out and about and do what she used to. But No one apart from a fairy godmother with a magic wand could turn her back to her younger self so all you can do is support them without wearing yourself out as you can’t resolve this for them.
I find walking for an hour lifts my mood, try to fit this in.

I used to feel like you, op. Sertraline saved my life.

If you won’t take anti-depressants please at least try St John’s Wort or Calms. As others have said you don’t have to take anti-depressants long term try them for a couple of months to alleviate what you are feeling.

Reassess your diet if you haven't already, are you getting enough nutrients? Is too much sugar sapping your energy. It can make a massive difference

Yoga. Can be done at home if you really don't want/can't afford a class. Meditation.

Have you considered the idea that staying in your relationship is a much bigger part of your emotional issues than you think. You might have a sense of freedom if you ended it. On the flipside your depression could be clouding how you see your relationship and maybe it's ok. That's a tough one, have you spoke to your partner about how you feel? Might help.

Have you considered that not taking antidepressants is fogging your brain iyswim?

Walking outside, preferably somewhere green (park is fine) or by the sea (or even get on a bus and find a nice quiet neighbourhood to wander around if you don't live in one). You no longer get much from a walk you say but think of it as a big dose of medicine.

You really do sound very depressed 😞 How about talking to someone at the charity MIND?

Reassess your diet if you haven't already, are you getting enough nutrients? Is too much sugar sapping your energy. It can make a massive difference

Yoga. Can be done at home if you really don't want/can't afford a class. Meditation.

Have you considered the idea that staying in your relationship is a much bigger part of your emotional issues than you think. You might have a sense of freedom if you ended it. On the flipside your depression could be clouding how you see your relationship and maybe it's ok. That's a tough one, have you spoke to your partner about how you feel? Might help.

Have you considered that not taking antidepressants is fogging your brain iyswim?

Walking outside, preferably somewhere green (park is fine) or by the sea (or even get on a bus and find a nice quiet neighbourhood to wander around if you don't live in one). You no longer get much from a walk you say but think of it as a big dose of medicine.

You really do sound very depressed 😞 How about talking to someone at the charity MIND?

If ADs are not right for you then that is fine. Would you look at counselling or CBT? You may be able to get this free through your doctor or charities and I do think that would help.

Apart from that, could you begin to look at the various things which are dragging you down - which seem like a perfectly sensible list by the way - and start to plan how you might tackle these one nibble at a time?

Take your mum: has she had an assessment by adult social care? If not, start pressing for one; are there local AGE UK or other pensioners groups or are there local charities who could help (fabulous volunteer drivers took my mum once a week to a coffee morning for OAPs for example), would a neighbour pop in now and again in exchange for a small payment (I paid a local SAHM with small children for two half hours a week, just to pop in for coffee and let my mum enjoy the company and talk about the children - that worked for both of them), does the local sports centre have OAP sessions etc - some do special seated exercise sessions or swimming sessions. Once you start to work on tackling problems bit by bit they don't seem so unbearable.

I also agree with the PP who said make yourself go for a walk every day whether you want to or not. Go to the park and people watch as you walk, take time to enjoy the experience and breathe deeply. Aim to build up to half an hour's steady walking a day - it will do your mood the world of good (at least it does me!).

Sorry, it all sounds a bit preachy, but IME the more you start to take control, the less anxious you will feel.