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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH, Depression, is he pushing me to leave?

43 replies

singme · 31/10/2017 14:52

I have no one in RL to talk to about this.

My DH has always struggled with low mood. We've been together 10 years and married last year. Things have been up and down but mostly good. He won't ever see a dr about his mood so he doesn't really have a diagnosis. This is because he is a doctor as well and doesn't think that the GP can offer anything.

Recently he has been referring to his low mood more and more. He has a new group of friends who are lovely. They tend to go out a lot and basically stay out the whole weekend. I like a party but I've never really been into this. They always include me though and I tend to head home earlier than them and DH.

DH has grown close to one of the women in the group, let's call her Lucy. Her boyfriend works away. They often go for lunch together or for drinks. She has always been kind to me and even organised me a birthday party.

However I have grown more and more sure that DH has developed feelings for her. I called him out on it a few weeks ago and he basically made me feel jealous and stupid.

At the same time he is saying that his depression means that he can't promise that he wants to buy a house with me and have children with me. And also that I and everyone around us pushed him into marriage Sad

He has agreed to go to private therapy to try and help with the low mood.

He was acting quite odd yesterday and this morning I looked at his WhatsApp on my computer.....I am not proud of this.

Messages to some friends saying that I am "not the best at dealing with his depression!"

Messages to this woman Lucy, loads and loads every day about how low they are feeling, how no one understands them. Yesterday he was trying to meet up with her but she wasn't keen and he was asking if he had upset her?? Which explains why he was so odd yesterday with me.

I basically called him out in it. He says that it's "complicated" but didn't deny he has feelings for Lucy. He said we need to "sort this out either way" and also that I shouldn't have bothered him at work.

I feel he should be begging me to stay but the fact he isn't maybe means he does want out?Sad

I am devastated. I'm 30 and I desperately want children. I don't want to split up but how can I stay when he doesn't really seem to care either way?

I don't want him to stop seeing his friends and I feel terrible for Lucy as I don't think she's done anything wrong. But how can he carry on seeing her now??

Please someone come along with some advice!

OP posts:
Original poster
singme · 31/10/2017 15:14

Sorry probably posted this at the time of day everyone is out....Typical me!

OP posts:
bigfatbumfreak · 31/10/2017 15:20

Hi, I’m afraid he is having an emotional affair with ‘lucy’. You are his wife, its for you to be that person in his life. No, I’m afraid I would not accept this relationship as harmless. Ive been with my partner for over 25 years and he has never once put another woman or indeed person in such a position between us.

He needs to address his depression, as an individual and you both need to seek clarity on your relationship and the future of it.

Your not wrong for worrying or being concerned, its totally normal to feel that way in this situation.

Yes, i would out on hold any big decisions until you can move forward.

Original poster
singme · 31/10/2017 15:43

He seems more concerned about how me finding out all this is going to affect his relationship with his new friends and Lucy rather than the fact that our relationship is being destroyed.

If he doesn't admit the amour is damage being done how can I move forward?

I don't know whether to wait and see if the therapy helps or get out now before I get too old to have a family. I know I'm still young but I e spent 10 years with this man before finding this out.

OP posts:
Original poster
singme · 31/10/2017 15:44

Thank you for your response bigfatbumfreak I feel better already for someone saying it's not just me being crazy!

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PNGirl · 31/10/2017 15:48

If he is depressed and so is she, there may be an element of "us against the world" here developed into an emotional affair. He shouldn't be going out all weekend every weekend in a happy marriage. When do you get time just the two of you?

In this situation it may be tempting for him want to point the blame for his misery anywhere but at his own mental health (hence blaming how you "deal"). I would insist on him going to the Dr as a dealbreaker.

bigfatbumfreak · 31/10/2017 16:04

Thats ok. Its an age old trick of projecting it onto you. Where is his respect for you,for your relationship?

He is living life on his own terms, and using you as a safety net. Doctor or not, he is emotionally immature. Depression is not a get out of jail free card to walk over people, depressed people can be highly aware of their condition, usually it creates empathy for sadness of others.

Only you can sort this, only you can set standards for your self respect. If he had depression and was willing to work at it, showing commitment to the relationship then yes. Its seems to me he’s depressed around you but fully able to enjoy himself round others.

Oh and as for her being nice, thats a smokescreen, probably a way of feeling less guilty for being i over involved.

Original poster
singme · 31/10/2017 17:00

I work a lot of shifts but not so many he is left alone a lot! If we get time just the two of us he is always feeling down during it. He has said that he pretends to enjoy things for me but just makes him more miserable. But I only want to do the same things they all do together like pub/eating out/gigs.

Last week I went to my old town to meet up with old friends and DH said he didn't want to come, and instead went for dinner with "Lucy"! It's things like this that make me feel shit.

He is on his way home now to talk.

OP posts:
BigGreenOlives · 31/10/2017 17:09

I hesitate a bit to write this but part of me thinks you should leave him. He has issues with low mood, he won’t commit to children & a house despite having married & having a steady job. You are 30 now, being with someone from 20-30 is a long time, but it isn’t as long as the next 40 years plus and I’m worried that you won’t have the life you’d like due to his issues. What would you say to your best friend if she was in your situation? Men don’t tend to change for the better over decades, they tend to become entrenched in a position.

bigfatbumfreak · 31/10/2017 17:10

That must of hurt a lot. Ask him what he actually wants, tell him what you want. Good luck.

bigfatbumfreak · 31/10/2017 17:11

Yes big green. The Lucy friend would be a deal breaker for me.

OliviaBenson · 31/10/2017 17:30

I have depression and low moods. I do not use it as an excuse to have a go at my husband, hide from life and big decisions (house buying etc) and I don't meet up with other men and offload.

This is your DH being an arse and not about his depression. He's being incredibly disrespectful to you.

Don't wait around for him op, he won't change.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 31/10/2017 18:09

OK, why exactly would anyone want to stay with this guy? He sounds really miserable (rather than depressed) and he's basically going on dates with another woman instead of going out with you.

Time to move on, OP. Ten years of being dragged down by him is far too long - time you had a break. If I were you I'd end it and do something really fun afterwards - god knows you must need cheering up after living with him.

Guiltypleasures001 · 31/10/2017 18:20

His depression and low mood is because he wants to be with her
Sorry lovely he’s having you on

meowimacat · 31/10/2017 18:49

From what you've written I'm going to be brutally honest and say he's just not in love with you any more. These actions are not those of someone who wants to be in a relationship. Meeting up with another woman, messaging her a lot and confiding in her, and not committing to you with a house/kids all show he's done. He's clearly just too pathetic to end things, and probably also scared to get out in case he ends up regretting it.

I'm 32 and just ended a 10 year relationship about 8 months ago. We did have kids but were never married, and he suffered from depression at the end. I waited years for him to be okay, and put up with so much. But now I'm out of it I realise all the years I wasted...and at least i have kids. You want children and don't have them and waiting for someone who may not even want kids at all in the future (I can see him telling you that in years to come) - you need to move on and find someone who doesn't put you last. xxx

MyKingdomForBrie · 31/10/2017 19:05

As PP said, I’m sorry but you need to leave him. He’s not in love with you any more.

It’s not too late to start again, I met my now DH just before my 30th birthday and three years later am married with DD.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 31/10/2017 19:28

Agree with others, he is having an affair whether they’ve had sex or not. But regardless of that, what are you getting out of this relationship?

Autumnskiesarelovely · 31/10/2017 19:57

Well he’s obviously not too depressed to be out all weekend and putting the effort in to cultivate an emotional relationship with Lucy!

He’s being an asshole.

However, sometimes in a long relationship one person can wonder whether this is really for them. Especially before housing or children. Getting the wobbles is natural. Getting your needs from another woman is going to destroy your relationships trust.

You may feel like clinging on now. Don’t. Fight against that.

Back off and go no contact with him for at least a month.

You can lay down the line if you want, before you back off. If you think the relationship is worth salvaging - say that outright to him. Remind him of what you both have. You have 10 years together. Tell him direct that depression or not his actions with Lucy cut to the heart of you both. That you are willing to work on your relationship, but only if he puts his energies back into you and cuts ties with Lucy.

But still back off. You need time to work out how you feel. He needs to feel what it’s like to not have you in his life.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 31/10/2017 20:08

Move on. You are 30, you don't have time to waste if you want children. You are wasting your fertile years on him. Move on as soon as you can.

Lucy is a red herring. He told you he can't promise that he wants to buy a house with me and have children with me. You definitely want children so that means you have to split up.

Hauntedlobster · 31/10/2017 20:15

Do you want kids with him Or just to have kids

Original poster
singme · 31/10/2017 20:21

Thank you all for your advice. Making me feel a lot more confident that I will be ok. I think it's not just this woman, he has been unhappy for a while. But I've been lied to and messed about and I know I deserve better! I've also realised that I need to stop hiding this from my friends and speak to them as well as you lot have made me feel so much better. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
singme · 31/10/2017 20:22

I want kids with him as I thought he was my husband for life Sad but I know that I definitely want them some day.

OP posts:
Hauntedlobster · 31/10/2017 22:13

Sorry I didn’t mean that badly, I just mean if your wish for kids is bigger than your wanting to stay with him then leave.

Depression is an utter utter bastard, but his behaviour is out of order.

Original poster
singme · 31/10/2017 22:21

Oh no that's ok I didn't take it badly. Had an italics fail though! I think if he doesn't want children then yes I would have to go. But I probably have to go anyway....

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/11/2017 12:28

You are flogging a dead horse with him.

Original poster
singme · 01/11/2017 18:03

I forced myself to go to work and ended up doing a busy shift and handled it! Feel so much better now. I don't have to live like this I can be happy!

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