DH, Depression, is he pushing me to leave?

[singme]

I have no one in RL to talk to about this.

My DH has always struggled with low mood. We've been together 10 years and married last year. Things have been up and down but mostly good. He won't ever see a dr about his mood so he doesn't really have a diagnosis. This is because he is a doctor as well and doesn't think that the GP can offer anything.

Recently he has been referring to his low mood more and more. He has a new group of friends who are lovely. They tend to go out a lot and basically stay out the whole weekend. I like a party but I've never really been into this. They always include me though and I tend to head home earlier than them and DH.

DH has grown close to one of the women in the group, let's call her Lucy. Her boyfriend works away. They often go for lunch together or for drinks. She has always been kind to me and even organised me a birthday party.

However I have grown more and more sure that DH has developed feelings for her. I called him out on it a few weeks ago and he basically made me feel jealous and stupid.

At the same time he is saying that his depression means that he can't promise that he wants to buy a house with me and have children with me. And also that I and everyone around us pushed him into marriage

He has agreed to go to private therapy to try and help with the low mood.

He was acting quite odd yesterday and this morning I looked at his WhatsApp on my computer.....I am not proud of this.

Messages to some friends saying that I am "not the best at dealing with his depression!"

Messages to this woman Lucy, loads and loads every day about how low they are feeling, how no one understands them. Yesterday he was trying to meet up with her but she wasn't keen and he was asking if he had upset her?? Which explains why he was so odd yesterday with me.

I basically called him out in it. He says that it's "complicated" but didn't deny he has feelings for Lucy. He said we need to "sort this out either way" and also that I shouldn't have bothered him at work.

I feel he should be begging me to stay but the fact he isn't maybe means he does want out?

I am devastated. I'm 30 and I desperately want children. I don't want to split up but how can I stay when he doesn't really seem to care either way?

I don't want him to stop seeing his friends and I feel terrible for Lucy as I don't think she's done anything wrong. But how can he carry on seeing her now??

Please someone come along with some advice!

well done for getting through today. If you’re not happy and he does t want to try to make you happy - depression or not - then you need to leave for self preservation alone.

Yes, you can be happy! You’re only 30, strike out and make a lovely life without this dead weight dragging you down.

This Lucy person and his new friends have put things into sharper focus but you’ve been in denial about this man for some time. I’ve been there, clinging to the relationship as opposed to the person you’re in a relationship with. Which explains why, despite his appalling behaviour, you’re still trying to hedge your bets.

This is who he is and for your own MH you need to accept this and ask yourself, how is wanting children compatible with being with someone so self absorbed?

Let go of the fantasy and wake up to the reality.

Agree there is little reason to stay with him. Just as there are cheerful people there are also miserable ones. People who are always grumpy and negative don't have a mental illness any more than the happy people do. That's just their personality. Find a man who makes your life happier not more miserable.

Update:

So after I posted the above thread, things got a lot worse, focused on getting DH some help from GP, private psychologist. He took a deliberate overdose which was terrible, GP was really good and crisis team visited etc.

Medication seems to be kicking in now but we are still in separate rooms and he still doesn’t want to be married. This week he went on a city break and told me he kissed a random girl they were hanging out with all day

He wasn’t sorry about it, just told me in a matter of fact manner. Later said it was to “give me a shake” which I think means he wanted me to move out!

I’ve been seeing a counsellor as well, and she has recommended I keep a journal of the facts of the situation and she worries that I am repressing my emotions.

I have been repressing them to get my husband psychiatric help! However he is being beyond selfish now. Doesn’t want to be in the marriage but wants me to do all the heavy lifting and leave!

We’ve got a rented flat, I earn a lot more than him, but I would have to go into savings to get a new place for deposit and rent, all the while paying for this place as well.

Please someone tell me about how they left their H and that they managed ok.

Really wanted to post a happy update but maybe one day...

You leave him, he is being an arse. Is it a joint tenancy? If not kick him out, if so can you give notice and find somewhere else? (I appreciate though, this your home)

You absolutely do not find somewhere else and continue to pay his rent!

Yeah it’s a joint tenancy, so would have to give notice (2 months I think) so I’d have to pay that (well, half) while getting a new place with deposit and rent etc. I know I can afford it with savings or extra shifts, I am lucky in that respect.

The other option is he leaves and I just pay for this place on my own. Or he stays but gets another tenant.

I just can’t seem to get things moving forward, it’s like I’m stuck! I feel so stupid.

Sing your post has made me cry. I have name changed for this because I feel I'll get slated but I have an urge to get this out.

I have a dh of 9 years and a 3 year old ds. I've been feeling unhappy with my relationship since ds was born and I have gradually got more and more depressed. I told him I wanted a break about 8 months ago, after a lot of arguing and a lot of crying we decided to try. But neither of us have tried though we are still together. We rarely touch or spend time together.

About 6 months ago I met someone online through a shared hobby forum. He is depressed and was (and still is) in the process of divorcing. We haven't met but our relationship has certainly crossed boundaries.

I know I'm a terrible person but once I'm able to (was a sahm and now physical health issues prevent me from returning to work but I am recovering) my plan was to leave dp and start a relationship with this man. We both wanted that. However, his depression has got worse and worse to the point that we barely speak. He says he still wants to be with me but he is so depressed he isn't in the mood for talking half the time. The medication he is on has sucked the life out of him and it gives him terrible mood swings and I try to support him as much as possible but it's a losing battle. He's rude, argumentative and completely stuck in his own head. I feel like I'm now stuck in two unhappy relationships, and I'm a terrible person because I know my feelings for the other man are wrong. I keep asking myself how my life came to this. I feel like the sensible thing to do is to stop contact with the other man, and try to salvage what I have with dh, or to move on elsewhere when I am back in work. But I had such a strong connection with the other man that I feel like I can't do this. I also feel like I'd be letting him down because I know how destroying mental illness can be.

I know my loyalty should be with my dh. I do love him in a way. But he has been lazy and selfish and he has watched me turn into a shell of myself over the last four years and not supported me at all. I feel so let down by him, yet I know he loves me. I don't question that one bit.

Sorry I probably should have started my own thread for this. Just elements of your story reminded me of my own. You don't need to comment on it. I felt like I had to "confess" somewhere.

My advice to you is: get out now. Talk over with your dh what the best plan is in terms of who moves out, and stick to it. I wish you the very best of luck and a happy future.

Have you told him to leave? His behaviour is awful. Stay strong op.

I am you 25 years down the line but I stayed in my marriage with my depressed DH. When his mood is low I get blamed for his misery because I am the one there. So by depressive logic it must be me that's the reason for him feeling shit. We went on to have dcs and they subsequently got blamed for his low moods when he was in a bad patch.

Listen Singme. If I had my time again I would not marry DH. He was and still is the love of my life but it's been tough and many times I 've weighed up should I stay or should I go. Imagine your older self looking back at you 25 years down the line of living with this shit. You can get out now. You can have a new life with children and a different partner if you want. Get out now before it's too late. It wont get better.

Thanks for the advice. I feel like it is gradually sinking in. At first I was hoping that once the depression was treated things would go back to the way they were. We’ve only been married one year and I keep looking at the photos and crying, my stupid face not knowing he didn’t want to be there . How could I not have known??

I know I just need to rip the plaster off and make a move towards us being seperated officially. He still thinks I’m his mate, still socialise together etc etc. When I was angry about the kiss he was genuinely asking what I was mad about. He doesn’t have a clue how to be a good husband and he’s not interested in being one anymore.

@goingforitnow - so sorry to read your story. I do wonder if I stick it out if it will just end in me meeting another man and things getting even more complicated. I hope you find some happiness soon.

Tonight I’ve texted a friend to meet up, signed up to right move and spare room, next steps speaking to H.

Haffdonga I hope you don’t mind me asking but did you have a clear cut moment : split up or stay together? Or has it been more like one little thing after another, where you’ve stood by him, things get better and then it happens again? I’m sorry things have been so hard for you, sounds like you’ve had to be very strong. Thank you for the perspective.

At first I was hoping that once the depression was treated things would go back to the way they were. We’ve only been married one year and I keep looking at the photos and crying, my stupid face not knowing he didn’t want to be there sad. How could I not have known??

It's not your fault. You know that.

I'm crying today knowing that new man is probably going to end things. He hasn't spoken to me at all except when I asked if he was ok he said "not really, sorry". He swears he wants to spend his life with me one minute then is totally cold the next. Dh just ignores me entirely unless he has a problem with work or his family that he wants to tell me about. I feel so alone.

Sorry for going on about myself. Sorry.

I'm glad you've signed up to Rightmove and stuff. Try and think of this as a new beginning. The longer you leave it, really the harder it will be to leave.

It was a bit of both singme . There were 3 or 4 or 5 or 6 major crises when I seriously weighed up my options and a million small moments that passed soon enough and things got better enough for me not to end it. DH went on to ADs after one crisis point which improved things. Overall we've stayed just enough on the right side of OK to make it work, but would I advise my former self to start the whole house and children ride with him? I would not.

Goingforit I was just in the bath crying so we both are. Hope you feel a bit better now.

Actually, thinking about it, the decision to end things has basically been taken out of my hands which makes it easier. I’ll always know I tried my best, but I’ll also be glad to get away from the man making my life miserable.

This was me 10 years ago. Right down to the depression and emotional affair. Eventually the decision was taken out of my hands when she left her DP. I cried for what seemed like months, then very gradually I started to get happy again. I lost a fortune in rental costs, but bought a little house a year later. I made new friends, reconnected with old ones, kissed some men, had some new experiences and tried not to drink too much. Now I’m happy married to someone who isn’t an emotional fuckwit (that wasn’t the depression that made him that way, it that was the horrible disregarding of my feelings) and I’ve got a beautiful DS with another on the way. I’m so glad I didn’t leave it any longer to leave.

Thank you cyclingforcake that’s been wonderful to read