Ex-h demanding to know about bf

[AstrantiaMallow]

My abusive ex has just found out I have a boyfriend and is demanding to meet me to discuss the DCs. He’s objecting to the fact I didn’t tell him, that my bf now spends time with them, wants to know how long it’s been going on, who my bf is, how often he stays, implies I must have cheated on him, that my bf must be a bad influence on DCs. He says I have questions to answer and that if I don’t he will take me to court over contact. He’s now sent me a third email, more pressing - I tried to ignore the first two.

I’m pregnant (he doesn’t know) and he never sees them. He didn’t see them in the summer as he was too busy, then kicked up a fuss when he suddenly requested a date in July for a few weeks later which coincided with a booked trip away with the DCs so he was told it wasn’t possible. His solicitor sent me a letter then about contact but as exh also made threats toward me it died down and I heard nothing more. He lives abroad, visits the country often but doesn’t see them, pays nothing for them. He remarried last year which was the last time they went to visit him. That marriage has now fallen apart. I could go on and on.

I’m really nervous what he could do. Is it best I send an email back to him explaining, so it’s all out in the open, or should I ignore him? He doesn’t know I’m pregnant and that before the baby is born we will be moving with my boyfriend.

FizzyGreen Thanks. He’s definitely not interested in the DCs. He doesn’t know what to do with them, lost touch really quickly. I’m sure he blames me but it’s been entirely his choice which is really sad, and has been difficult for the DCs but is dealt with. So you’re right. I’ve never stood up to him directly though. I’m starting to feel more pregnant right now, and not in the best place to deal with him, emotionally and otherwise. Probably hormones too.

Sandy No requirement to inform him. He knows where we live yes. He was violent to me not to the DCs. I think he’s violent to women not men.

Sweet I’m in a better place now and my boyfriend is lovely. Pregnancy wasn’t planned. I’m aware it’s not ideal and has moved things with him faster than initially intended but otherwise he’s always worked at my pace. He’s good to them and with them, it’s just we’re going to have a lot of changes again and if ex-h starts messing them around again I can’t refuse contact if he does it properly so it would leave me deal with it in an context where I want to make sure they feel loved and not pushed aside by new sibling. Maybe I’m overthinking and too emotional.

If he was spending time with his DC and doing all of the things a dad does, then I would say you must tell him.

But he isn’t, so it’s none of his business. He’s obviously just suddenly adopted the “I can’t be having with this” attitude with no basis at all. He probably just needs a hobby or something.

When are you moving? I'd hurry up with that and then you don't have to fear him.

Have you made a record of when he’s arranged and dropped contact?

It’s important to show you’ve made it possible for him to maintain a relationship and contact with the children.

Other than that, I think you’re covered. Because he may be railing against you moving on but it’s not something that he has any legal right to know about or enforce in any way.

He may be very angry that his belongings have shuffled away all by themselves, but of course, you’re NOT his, you are not an object and you cannot ever be owned by anyone. Not a lesson he will learn though.

Thanks so much for your replies.
Raisins I’d love to but it’s tricky...
My bf is having work done on his house to accommodate us all - real building site right now. We’re unlikely to move until after Christmas. I’ve also wanted to go slow so my DCs have time to adjust to the idea of new sibling and home before it happens and make sure they’re ok.

Well He hasn’t dropped contact as such. He hasn’t organised it for weeks now. He only tried to organised something in summer, exactly when I was going away with them. Something which I think he learnt from my mum and tried to derail by asking contact exactly at that time. Nothing at all since. His mother contacted me once in spring asking to see the DCs in my house and when I said yes but suggested a neutral place she never followed up. He’s very angry definitely.

OK, so it sounds like you're quite heavily pregnant if you're having the baby before you move.

Don't under any circumstances meet him while pregnant. If he is abusive and feels ownership of you, you being pregnant may incite him to act very badly.

You have to get from now until you move, then you don't have to see him again if you don't want to.

I don't know how non-mol orders work (unfortunately I do know how abusive exes work) is there any chance you might get it reinstated? Or does it not work like that?

I didn’t explain it right Rain I’m not heavily pregnant yet - due end of Jan/beg Feb. Will depend on how it goes and very probably will need c-section. I feel more pregnant and I show now, that’s all. We hope to move before to give a bit of time to adapt.

He contacts me but hasn’t done anything recently and doesn’t live in the country (although visits constantly for work) so a non-mol isn’t possible I don’t think. I wouldn’t go near him if I can help it.