Ex-h demanding to know about bf

[AstrantiaMallow]

My abusive ex has just found out I have a boyfriend and is demanding to meet me to discuss the DCs. He’s objecting to the fact I didn’t tell him, that my bf now spends time with them, wants to know how long it’s been going on, who my bf is, how often he stays, implies I must have cheated on him, that my bf must be a bad influence on DCs. He says I have questions to answer and that if I don’t he will take me to court over contact. He’s now sent me a third email, more pressing - I tried to ignore the first two.

I’m pregnant (he doesn’t know) and he never sees them. He didn’t see them in the summer as he was too busy, then kicked up a fuss when he suddenly requested a date in July for a few weeks later which coincided with a booked trip away with the DCs so he was told it wasn’t possible. His solicitor sent me a letter then about contact but as exh also made threats toward me it died down and I heard nothing more. He lives abroad, visits the country often but doesn’t see them, pays nothing for them. He remarried last year which was the last time they went to visit him. That marriage has now fallen apart. I could go on and on.

I’m really nervous what he could do. Is it best I send an email back to him explaining, so it’s all out in the open, or should I ignore him? He doesn’t know I’m pregnant and that before the baby is born we will be moving with my boyfriend.

[AstrantiaMallow]

I didn’t explain it right Rain I’m not heavily pregnant yet - due end of Jan/beg Feb. Will depend on how it goes and very probably will need c-section. I feel more pregnant and I show now, that’s all. We hope to move before to give a bit of time to adapt.

He contacts me but hasn’t done anything recently and doesn’t live in the country (although visits constantly for work) so a non-mol isn’t possible I don’t think. I wouldn’t go near him if I can help it.

[raisinsarenottheonlyfruit]

OK, so it sounds like you're quite heavily pregnant if you're having the baby before you move.

Don't under any circumstances meet him while pregnant. If he is abusive and feels ownership of you, you being pregnant may incite him to act very badly.

You have to get from now until you move, then you don't have to see him again if you don't want to.

I don't know how non-mol orders work (unfortunately I do know how abusive exes work) is there any chance you might get it reinstated? Or does it not work like that?

[AstrantiaMallow]

Thanks so much for your replies.
Raisins I’d love to but it’s tricky...
My bf is having work done on his house to accommodate us all - real building site right now. We’re unlikely to move until after Christmas. I’ve also wanted to go slow so my DCs have time to adjust to the idea of new sibling and home before it happens and make sure they’re ok.

Well He hasn’t dropped contact as such. He hasn’t organised it for weeks now. He only tried to organised something in summer, exactly when I was going away with them. Something which I think he learnt from my mum and tried to derail by asking contact exactly at that time. Nothing at all since. His mother contacted me once in spring asking to see the DCs in my house and when I said yes but suggested a neutral place she never followed up. He’s very angry definitely.

[WellThisIsShit]

Have you made a record of when he’s arranged and dropped contact?

It’s important to show you’ve made it possible for him to maintain a relationship and contact with the children.

Other than that, I think you’re covered. Because he may be railing against you moving on but it’s not something that he has any legal right to know about or enforce in any way.

He may be very angry that his belongings have shuffled away all by themselves, but of course, you’re NOT his, you are not an object and you cannot ever be owned by anyone. Not a lesson he will learn though.

[raisinsarenottheonlyfruit]

When are you moving? I'd hurry up with that and then you don't have to fear him.

[Lavenderfly]

If he was spending time with his DC and doing all of the things a dad does, then I would say you must tell him.

But he isn’t, so it’s none of his business. He’s obviously just suddenly adopted the “I can’t be having with this” attitude with no basis at all. He probably just needs a hobby or something.

[AstrantiaMallow]

FizzyGreen Thanks. He’s definitely not interested in the DCs. He doesn’t know what to do with them, lost touch really quickly. I’m sure he blames me but it’s been entirely his choice which is really sad, and has been difficult for the DCs but is dealt with. So you’re right. I’ve never stood up to him directly though. I’m starting to feel more pregnant right now, and not in the best place to deal with him, emotionally and otherwise. Probably hormones too.

Sandy No requirement to inform him. He knows where we live yes. He was violent to me not to the DCs. I think he’s violent to women not men.

Sweet I’m in a better place now and my boyfriend is lovely. Pregnancy wasn’t planned. I’m aware it’s not ideal and has moved things with him faster than initially intended but otherwise he’s always worked at my pace. He’s good to them and with them, it’s just we’re going to have a lot of changes again and if ex-h starts messing them around again I can’t refuse contact if he does it properly so it would leave me deal with it in an context where I want to make sure they feel loved and not pushed aside by new sibling. Maybe I’m overthinking and too emotional.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Ok I can understand with your updates why you wouldn't necessarily want to call this bluff. Him having money, for example, does make it easier for him to use a court to harass you.

However. I really think there is very very little he can actually do here - or really wants to. Leave contact out of it for a moment. What he really hates is losing control. He lost that ages ago of course, but this new piece of information showing that yes you HAVE moved on has riled him up again. So he's trying to flex his muscles.

However- all he can do is try and intimidate you. He cannot DO anything. You can ignore the email. With a previous non-mol too, he's on totally shaky ground by even contacting you like this. He knows it, too, which is why this is all he's done - it's as far as he dares push it. He won't try and see you or come to the house. He's just trying, very hard, to scare you - because that's all he has.

So first thing to say is - you could ignore this, and all would very likely be fine and he would get bored. I can see however that you need to shut the door on it as it is getting to you. So here you could respond in a way which lets him know, very firmly, that if he starts up his harrassment again you will nail him:

Hi X. I'm afraid I don't understand your reasoning for needing to know any details of my private life, especially as you have actually remarried yourself. If you wish to put your arguments to a judge, I will be happy to provide all details of your previous harrassment of me as required should your solicitor contact me. Please do not contact me again directly on this matter as it is inappropriate and threatening. Regards, Astrantia.

Now as regards the children and contact. The thing that jumps out at me is that, despite having the money, one thing he's chosen not to do is to use the courts to harrass you for contact. This is the typical way in which abusive men pursue their exes when all else fails - because it's the one area in which they have the 'right' to continue to force dialogue - he has the right to see his children. Yet he hasn't. You've hardly seen him.

So - bottom line is, he doesn't want to see the children. He doesn't want the bother or the expense, and he doesn't have family behind him pushing him to do so either. Oh he threatens it, like now, when he's got nothing else to pull out of the bag - but he doesn't actually want to. So, while I understand you not wanting to poke the beast, don't forget that right now he has the life he wants and it doesn't include his kids. So while I understand you wanting to stay quiet on contact issues, I think you should take heart from this and know that these are almost certainly empty threats.

If I were you, I would respond to the demands regarding your private life as above, don't mention the children, and that in itself MIGHT get him to back off as he knows full well there is NO WAY he can pull a court case up to force you to let him grill you about your partners. Put a history of harrassment and a non-mol on top and he wouldn't dare go near a solicitor for that. So you tackle his demands head on and let him know that you will NOT be harrassed.

If he then drags it around to the children, you can blandly reply that he has of course every right to go back to court and he will be pleased to know that you've kept records of all contact broken etc. so fine.

But I don't think he will go there because more contact is clearly not what he wants- he wants to use it as a means of forcing you to cow to him. So let him know first that that isn't going to happen, and I bet his 'interest' in going to court for contact wanes.

[Sweetbell]

Sending strength OP sounds stressful but do remember you are perfectly entitled to move on with your life.

Your ex has nothing to back up his accusations you know this deep down.
You know who exactly your current partner is and what sort of if any influence on your DC, which I imagine is a settled peaceful life with a new sibling on way.
No response is probably best

[SandyY2K]

I'm assuming there was nothing in your divorce that stated you have to inform your Ex about new partners?

Does he know your address? Or telephone number?
Was he violent? Do you think he would physically harm your boyfriend?

[SandyY2K]

I'd ignore him.
He hasn't asked a specific question about the DC that requires a response. Ignore him.

[AstrantiaMallow]

Yes, we are officially divorced, split three years ago nearly. I had a non-mol but that didn’t involve the DCs, he’s moved away now and it’s expired anyway. He is allowed to see the children. He never hurt them. It’s me. One is ten, the other under 10.
I can see what he’s doing. I’m just very anxious about it. More so now I’m pregnant maybe. It’s taken a lot of work to get there to something fairly peaceful and stable for the DCs.

[Hermonie2016]

I assume you are divorced? How long ago?
What age are the children?

I would log everything and keep records, only responding to his requests to see the children and nothing about your life.

The children have a right to see their father so their ages are relevant.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Did you do the Freedom Programme when you split with him?
If not then get onto Womens Aid and enrol.
It will really help you understand and deal with him.

[MycatsaPirate]

If all this is in written form, such as emails, Id consider getting a non mol order.

I got one, it cost me £1,500 and it was worth every single penny. It gave me and the kids (they were both named on it and he was banned from going near their schools as well as my house) a year of peace and although he tried to use his dad to pass on messages, a visit from the police stopped that.

Strangely, since the non mol expired, I have had no contact from him. My girls didn't need the grief he was giving them on the few occasions he was bothering to see them and I feel so much happier not having him ringing me making demands and threats.

[AstrantiaMallow]

Thanks for your views. I have these cyclical doubts that maybe if I explain it’ll be easier. Whatever I say won’t be good enough anyway.

Mycats Sorry you’ve had this or worse. I haven’t had public media stalking as not really on it but he did pay someone to check on me after we moved out of the family home. That man wasn’t very bright and got arrested.
The implication is def I’m sleeping around and now that my bf must be the worse possible person to have near the DCs. . Until now he’s kept asking about men saying there must be someone. We don’t talk (I don’t answer) so it’s limited but he regularly tries.

He thought he owned me. He’s been convinced from the start that I didn’t instigate divorce by myself. He’s got money and has spent stupid amounts on many things that led nowhere. His mother ‘lost’ the DCs passports last time after they went to visit him. Contact brings stress and problems. The DCs are doing well but at the beginning sporadic contact was awful. I feel we’ve moved on from that and they’re much happier but any sign of him showing interest scares me because it’s not genuinely about them.

I’ve been doing grey rock so if I suddenly went ‘see you in court’ he may well do it, although actually I’m not stopping him seeing them, he just never asks. It’s cost and huge stress though ...

He’s quite dodgy really so deep down I’m more worried about him trying to bump into me or make a direct approach or trying to create trouble for boyfriend. Maybe it’s just I haven’t dealt with my demons of past things that he did. With pregnancy it’s also he’d started bullying me to get pregnant again and I always said I didn’t want a third. He’s not going to take well at all this is now happening with someone else.

[crimsonlake]

Do not respond and in future do not even open his emails. Still trying to control you, take back the control and ignore. Drives control freaks mad.

[Theresnonamesleft]

Fizzy reply is perfect.
Call his bluff.
He’s acting like an arse because he’s a bully and expects you to tow the line.

[FizzyGreenWater]

I would reply:

Hi X. Yes, I think court is great idea. It would be wonderful to finally sort out maintenance as well as a clear contact schedule so I will look forward to hearing from your soliticor. I'm afraid I don't understand your reasoning for needing to know any details of my private life, especially as you have actually remarried yourself, so again perhaps it would be better for you to explain it all in detail to a judge. Regards, Astrantia.

Bluff firmly called and you will not hear from him again!

[TheNaze73]

Ex’s who are like this are clinging on to the last bit of power they have. Laughter would be your best tonic here.

[HebeJeeby]

“Ok - see you in court”

Definitely say this, he hasn’t got a leg to stand in. Then ignore.

[cakecakecheese]

Can you get a solicitor or at least a friend who is good at this sort of thing to respond to him on your behalf saying something like his personal questions and defamatory statements are harassment and any necessary contact pertaining to such things as the maintenance payments toward his children should be handled through the courts. Just thinking if it's pointed out that he'll have to pay for his kids he might pipe down.

[gillybeanz]

If he hasn't threatened court I'd just ignore.
He's worrying that he is losing all control now you have a bf.

If he does threaten court, respond that he can have 50% PR when he lives near them, contributes financially and emotionally to their upbringing and takes on the role as Father.
You won't see him for dust.

[greenberet]

These men where do they get their entitlement from - my x just the same but not so obviously abusive.

I think I would acknowledge email not answer any of hi s questions and just confirm the dcs are fine and leave it at that - the rest of it is none of his business but I know full well how these men can get under your skin and he's not even in the same country - they are seriously deluded -a symptom of borderline personality disorder amongst the aggressive abusive behaviour.

[MycatsaPirate]

Tell him to fuck off.

My ex was like this.

He was in Court on DV charges and making threats of violence towards me and his solicitor was questioning me. My ex had been stalking me online and he was trying to imply I was some sort of slapper as I had a new boyfriend. Absolutely fuck all to do with the case and the Judge ripped him a new one.

When I met and moved in with my fiancé he got really arsy, demanding all sorts of information, from finances to details of my DP's ex wife. He was told to just fuck off and leave me alone.

It was nothing to do with him and as long as my dc are safe, it's not his business.

Funnily enough he wasn't seeing dc or paying either.