Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Do I believe DH or not?

84 replies

MissMustBeAMug · 31/10/2017 09:08

I’m really struggling to make my mind up about this as it is actually about a situation that happened almost two years ago.

History: Dh had a best friend (his cousin) whose house we would go to all the time. His best friend is married to DH’s sisters childhood best friend (Christ did that make sense?)

Dh was a grade A prick back when he was drinking heavily, no getting around that. I ended up going into hospital with severe stomach pains, which turned out to be an infected gallbladder and stones, and had to stay in overnight on antibiotics.

We had dd 1 at the time. Instead of looking after her (she was distraught as we’d bever been apart before this and she’s had autism) he decided to dump her on my mum and go around his mates house drinking.

I called my mum up and found out about this, so called him and asked what on earth he was doing. He could go out anytime he wanted, why choose this night when dad needed him to be there?

Anyway he reassured me it was just for a drink or two and he would be back to dad soon.

Fast forward to the morning: no sign of dh. He is very apologetic when someone finally gets hold of him in the late morning.

Something strange happened after this too, dh’s best friend wouldn’t talk to him or me anymore, at all. We didn’t even go to any of the same family parties anymore.

I’ve been asking dh, for all this time, what happened? He’s always maintained his has no idea but started mentioning that he thinks it is because cousins wife has had a crush on him since they were teenagers.

I’ve always thought this is odd as hell

OP posts:

Original poster

MissMustBeAMug · 31/10/2017 10:45

I agree Mummyoflittledragon.

I really don’t see what else I could do.

OP posts:

Original poster

MissMustBeAMug · 31/10/2017 10:48

Oh god WinnieFosterTether. Yes, I’m going to have to tell do I messaged cousin too aren’t I. Though I did tell him it seemed off and I didn’t 100% believe him, so shouldn’t be too shocking I hope.

Feel bad if I’ve ruined their reconciliation, I would have been happy for us all to be friends again.

Then again if asking cousin why we’d fallen out resulted in a block, and she really dislikes me as much as it seems, it wouldn’t have lasted long anyway would it?

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2017 10:51

Be prepared that dh may come home knowing you’ve messaged the cousin. And to face your message may have lost him his friend again. Not that I think his cousin/friend is worth his salt if he and his wife treat you badly. Be kind to eachother and yourselves.

onalongsabbatical · 31/10/2017 10:52

I'd concentrate on your relationship with your DH if I were you - the others are treating you very badly, especially given you were in hospital when it all kicked off. They sound like they're not worth it - focus on the quality of what you have.

Bluntness100 · 31/10/2017 10:53

I think I’d also assume something bad happened that night and your husband was the perpetrator. I don’t know what the guy had to do, but if it was something like drag your husband off his wife then I could see why there would be a falling out, words also would have been said afterwards.

I’d guess she thinks you know. And to be fair, after the message you do to some extent and are standing by him.

Your husband is lying to you. If she’d said she loved him he’d have told you. Whatever happened I’m guessing he did a bad thing that night.

Lovemusic33 · 31/10/2017 10:56

I think your dh is lying. Follow your gut instinct, it's usually right, you wouldn't have posted here if you believed him?

I think he was drunk and he tried it on with her, maybe pushed himself onto her? I think she's ignoring you and she's scared to tell the truth, possible doesn't want the hassle of having to explain herself.

Also the fact he left his child to go out on the piss whilst you were in hospital just proves what kind of person he is. At a time like that he should have been concentrating on you and your dd. You deserve much better and so does your dd ( kids always come first, before getting pissed ).

thatdearoctopus · 31/10/2017 11:00

Who's got most to lose/gain by lying?

CardinalCat · 31/10/2017 11:14

Leaving aside for one moment which one out of the cousin's wife and your DH came on to the other....
is your DH's cousin seriously suggesting that the two of them become chummy again, whilst his wife continues to growl at you at eth school gates?

If your DH seriously has nothing to hide, he ought to be replying to this FB msg to say 'I have never tried to sleep with your wife. I would love to be friends again but only on condition that your wife stops being so openly hostile to MissMust'.

If that's not his immediate reaction to that msg, then you already know all that you need to know about him, his priorities and loyalties (and probably, by extension, what really happened that night.)

Temporary2002 · 31/10/2017 11:20

Wow, that was cold to block you, you were all good friends at one time. Maybe thats why his cousin doesn't want to be the one to tell you that he caught them in a compromising position? Because from the sound of that fb message, that's what happened. But the woman may have lied and told her dp a differant story.

Original poster

MissMustBeAMug · 31/10/2017 11:38

I have now seen dh’s reply to the cousin which was something like ‘I swear to you I have never desired your wife, grew up with her she’s more like a cousin, I was going boy stood in that room for about twenty seconds etc.’

He told me to log on and look (just got off the phone to him)

He’s sworn on the dc that he is telling the truth about what happened but that he already knew he was massively in trouble and thought that it was best all round to keep it quiet.

I remember mil once saying that cousins dw used to have a massive crush on dh when they were younger and all hung out together, and that she used to send him love letters etc. when she first started dating his cousin (they were all young teenagers at the time)

So it’s looking more and more like I should believe dh I think.

After all this I don’t think I’d want to be friends with them anyway.

OP posts:

ChuckysLoveChild · 31/10/2017 11:38

What a frustrating situation! Perhaps your DH said something about you to them? Can’t understand why he’s blocked you tho?

Original poster

MissMustBeAMug · 31/10/2017 11:41

No idea, I’m going to try not to get stressed out about it. It’s a daft situation all around really.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 31/10/2017 11:43

I think I'd believe your DH.
I think his cousin had taken a hit to his ego and perhaps he alwsy knew his wife fancied your DH.

Leave them be and carry on with your lives. How childish to block you like that.

Cockmagic · 31/10/2017 11:45

I really wouldn't trust him op..

NinonDeLenclos · 31/10/2017 11:47

The problem is you can't really trust any of them, it's impossible to know who's telling the truth.

MyKingdomForBrie · 31/10/2017 11:47

I believe your DH. No other reason for her hostility to you and cousin is clearly hiding from the truth having accepted his wife’s lies at the time. Just block and ignore both of them. Good on your DH for making changes.

WhooooAmI24601 · 31/10/2017 11:47

He’s sworn on the dc that he is telling the truth

This is the biggest red flag of anything you've put here, op. Huge.

Original poster

MissMustBeAMug · 31/10/2017 11:50

I asked him to do that to be fair. Specifically because I know he hates it and absolutely wouldn’t unless he had to.

OP posts:

thatdearoctopus · 31/10/2017 11:50

Yep, agree. That's the first resort of liars.

thatdearoctopus · 31/10/2017 11:51

And maybe he feels "he had to."

CardinalCat · 31/10/2017 11:52

Good, that was the correct response from him (although interesting that he didn't say " and by the way, can you tell your pervy wife to stop being foul to my missus"). I'd suggest that this friendship isn't ready to be revived just now, possibly ever.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2017 12:04

Good I’m glad your dh has been able to clarify this. Doesn’t look like the friendship is going anywhere anyway.

thatdearoctopus · 31/10/2017 12:20

Just what exactly was he supposed to say when you forced asked him to swear on your children's lives that he was telling the truth?

Bluntness100 · 31/10/2017 12:23

Well with your follow up posts it would look like your husband is being honest, but the fact he lied in the first place concerns me, and thinking she fancies him may have incentivised him to try it on.

Th cousins post though indicates he witnessed something happening, he says he even had to do something, I think the cousin has the least reason to lie. Your husband and his wife do, so did the cousin witness something?

Original poster

MissMustBeAMug · 31/10/2017 15:01

Just walked past her on the way in to pick dd up.

She looked furious but crossed over the path to avoid me.

I’m definitely not going to be giving it any more headspace. I think the odd behaviour of cousin and dw, as well as dh’s reply to his cousin, and the circumstances at the time make dh a lot more believable.

Talking to mil earlier she also said she’d always thought cousins Sw had a bit of a ‘stalker’ thing going in with my dh. Like she’d get in his bed on sleepovers and he’d come asking his dm to get her out, she asked him out often and she always saw her more as a relative because they all grew up together.

I think after going through it all on here, with dog and mil I’m content with deciding to believe dh.

Thank you for helping to work this ridiculous situation out.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread