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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I believe DH or not?

84 replies

MissMustBeAMug · 31/10/2017 09:08

I’m really struggling to make my mind up about this as it is actually about a situation that happened almost two years ago.

History: Dh had a best friend (his cousin) whose house we would go to all the time. His best friend is married to DH’s sisters childhood best friend (Christ did that make sense?)

Dh was a grade A prick back when he was drinking heavily, no getting around that. I ended up going into hospital with severe stomach pains, which turned out to be an infected gallbladder and stones, and had to stay in overnight on antibiotics.

We had dd 1 at the time. Instead of looking after her (she was distraught as we’d bever been apart before this and she’s had autism) he decided to dump her on my mum and go around his mates house drinking.

I called my mum up and found out about this, so called him and asked what on earth he was doing. He could go out anytime he wanted, why choose this night when dad needed him to be there?

Anyway he reassured me it was just for a drink or two and he would be back to dad soon.

Fast forward to the morning: no sign of dh. He is very apologetic when someone finally gets hold of him in the late morning.

Something strange happened after this too, dh’s best friend wouldn’t talk to him or me anymore, at all. We didn’t even go to any of the same family parties anymore.

I’ve been asking dh, for all this time, what happened? He’s always maintained his has no idea but started mentioning that he thinks it is because cousins wife has had a crush on him since they were teenagers.

I’ve always thought this is odd as hell

OP posts:
Thinkingofausername1 · 31/10/2017 09:55

He’s lying, I recon he did something, whilst he was drunk and she is embarrassed.

Myheartbelongsto · 31/10/2017 09:55

Just ask what happened.

Ijustlovefood · 31/10/2017 09:55

Yes I'd ask the cousin

Temporary2002 · 31/10/2017 09:58

I would ask the cousin, but not tell him what you heard from your dp about that night. Just ask why they were shunning you..and what went on while you were in the hospital?

mumof06darlings · 31/10/2017 10:00

Can you meet the cousin face to face and ask. Words can be seen on a text but facial expressions could tell it all

Original poster
MissMustBeAMug · 31/10/2017 10:03

It’s unlikely I could get him to meet face to face. After seeing how hostile cousins wife is I’m not sure I’d want to.

Ok I’ve composed a message, just working myself up to pressing send. I have by mentioned dh’s version, just that I’d like to know the truth and why I’m getting shunned for it etc.

Tried to keep the tone as light and friendly as possible.

OP posts:
WinnieFosterTether · 31/10/2017 10:03

I think you need to take a step back and try to work out what the main issue is for you. Then work out how to achieve what you want.
Are you angry that he lied? Because if he had a drink problem, I imagine there have been lots of lies over the years.

Are you angry that he didn't prioritise you and your DD? Surely you've already had that out with him and he's changed or you've decided to put up with him not prioritising you.

Are you angry that he tried it on with someone? If so, then how do you find out the truth? There's no uninterested party here. The cousin wants to believe his wife. The wife and your DH are the only ones that know what happened but they both could have reasons to lie about it.

I understand it can be frustrating to feel you are the only one who doesn't know what happened but I don't see what benefit it has to try to drag it out now. If you feel it would be productive then tell your DH that you're not resurrecting the friendship with the cousin till you all sit down round a table and talk about what happened. Or invite the other couple round for dinner then when they're all there, ask them to tell you what happened.

Original poster
MissMustBeAMug · 31/10/2017 10:04
  • I haven’t mentioned dh’s version.
OP posts:
Original poster
MissMustBeAMug · 31/10/2017 10:08

I think the main issue for me is that dh lied, because I don’t see the reason for it, and I haven’t done that in similar situations.

I get that sometimes it’s easier to use a white lie to spare someone’s feelings but this doesn’t feel like that.

I’d managed to put this all out of my head once. It’s just frustrating as hell wondering what on earth it’s all about. Dh’s version could have a grain of truth to it but it doesn’t feel like all of it.

And the anger from cousins wife (I’m assuming it’s anger) makes no sense at all. We got in before that night just fine, even if dh had come on to her, why be hostile to me years later?

It all just feels stupid.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 31/10/2017 10:15

You'll probably never get anything sensible out of your cousin's wife. It sounds as though her anger is completely misdirected (should probably be aimed at herself.)

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2017 10:18

From what you are saying, it seems more likely she was coming onto him. The most plausible explanation I can think of for not telling you is that he’s already been a dick for dumping your dd and getting pissed. I expect he suspected you’d either not be interested in what you had to say or not believe him. From his POV, had he told you, that could have been the end of your relationship. Would you have stayed with him? This would be a double betrayal. I could be way off the mark though.

Original poster
MissMustBeAMug · 31/10/2017 10:28

Mummyoflittledragon Actually, thinking back to it, we very nearly split up the day after anyway. I was disgusted that he’d let dd down like that. We only stayed together because he swore to he had realised what a selfish prick he was. To be fair he’s never done anything like that since.

I was furious when I got out. I can see why maybe he might have thought that would have pushed everything over the edge.

But still, why not tell me when things had calmed down or two weeks ago when I told him about what she was acting like at school?

OP posts:
TerrifyingFeistyCupcake · 31/10/2017 10:29

Your DH is a drunk and a liar who dumped your child to go drinking when you were in hospital, and your principal concern is whether he lied about hitting on cousin's wife or whether he lied about her hitting on him?

Do you not think maybe you're focusing in on the wrong thing? Do you really think he's a completely different person than he was a year ago? Is it only "OK" to be angry with him if he cheated on you on top of already being about as shitty a husband and father as anyone could imagine?

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2017 10:30

Why not tell you at a later date? I imagine for the same reason he didn’t tell you in the first place. It would have brought it all back to the fore. He knows how lucky he is to have been given a second chance. Glad he’s stopped the drinking.

Original poster
MissMustBeAMug · 31/10/2017 10:31

It’s hard to say but I do feel his is very different to a year ago yes.

He was always fine when he was sober, but an almighty selfish, belligerent and jealous prick when drunk.

Since I told him I’d had enough he hasn’t had more than two drinks at a time, and only on weekends.

I know it’s usually the rule that people don’t change but he seems to have .

OP posts:
Original poster
MissMustBeAMug · 31/10/2017 10:33

Oh

I checked messenger just. It said that the cousin had read my message.

And now I’m blocked. Checked Facebook and I can’t see his profile or send another message.

This is just getting silly. I feel like I’m back at school. I don’t think I care what happened anymore, why is everyone acting so bloody weird?!

OP posts:
Oly5 · 31/10/2017 10:35

We don’t know that your DH is lying about what happened. It may have happened and he may just have hoped it would go away. Certainly ask the cousin.. though sounds like the cousin has a different t version of events to your DH. However, the cousin does say that nothing sexual actually happened. It may well be that his wife was coming into your DH.
I think if your DH has genuinely changed then you might want to give him the benefit of the doubt.. but tell him that if you find out a different version of the truth, or if he reverts to drinking and neglecting dad, he’s out

Oly5 · 31/10/2017 10:36

*dd not dad!

Original poster
MissMustBeAMug · 31/10/2017 10:38

if he reverts to drinking and neglecting dad, he’s out

He definitely knows that.

Well, I’m just stuck now aren’t I? The cousin has blocked me just for asking if/what had happened and why I was being blanked when we had all been friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissMustBeAMug · 31/10/2017 10:39

I th No I’m going to have to just give up finding out, for my own sanity.

The strange behaviour of cousin and his dw are pushing me more to believing dh’s version and he just didn’t want to rock the already sinking boat.

OP posts:
liminality · 31/10/2017 10:40

Don't message anyone. Mumsnet is going to lead you astray cause they like drama. Resolve it with your DH - and if you can't, that is a resolution in itself.
You are not going to get any success stirring up this obviously messy situation by asking everyone.
Careful, wouldn't be the first time mumsnet has encouraged someone to do foolish things. Good luck.

liminality · 31/10/2017 10:40

Oh shit, too late.

Original poster
MissMustBeAMug · 31/10/2017 10:41

Too late already messaged the cousin. And got blocked for it.

I genuinely don’t believe there was anything offensive ir too pushy in that message. It was essentially ‘hey, so why aren’t we friends anymore’ etc.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2017 10:41

Cousin and his wife sound about 12. Time for a serious talk with your dh about the situation as you’re an innocent victim. To me, blocking you would indicate to me that the cousin knows the truth that it was his wife, not your dh and he doesn’t want to be confronted with reality. And if your dh has changed and he’s generally a good person, I think you should put this behind you.

WinnieFosterTether · 31/10/2017 10:45

Well presumably if he's blocked you, he won't want to be friends with your DH now either.

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