DH told me something terrible tonight

[jenk1]

some of you may remember that my DH last year went to the police over him being abused as a child by his uncle.

He has been off work since last August with depression/anxiety as the police dropped the case and most of his family didnt support him.

He has been very depressed recently and things came to a head this week and i left for the night as he was making me ill.

Since then we have talked and the other night he told me that not only his uncle abused him but that his cousin and his older sister as well in fact he lost his virginity to his older sister.

since he has told me i feel numb, i feel so angry for him and what he has gone through and his family i feel rage.

i dont know what else to say, i just wanted to offload.

That's appalling I don't know what to say...how awful.

jenl1 i am just off to bed, but couldn't pass you by.
I have no words to help, i am speechless, but i will be thinking about you and hoping you find some strentght and your dh gets some peace with all of this.
good night xx

Poor sod And poor you because you're the one dealing with the fallout. There are resources for abuse victims, counselling etc: basically places where the victim can scream and shout and throw things ando/r just be reassured that having had horrible things done to one doesn't make one a bad person. Suggest to your chap that he seeks out some sort of counselling or, if he doesn't want to do that, some internet discussion group. And do the same for yourself - obviously there's MN to rant on but anyone caring for someone with mental health/past trauma issues needs somewhere to go and dump and rant as well. Because it's not your fault your partner had bad times. And it's vbery hard work to live with and care for someone who is in severe distress.

Oh GOD Jen, so sorry, poor dh. All I can say is that telling you is a step towards healing.

Oh, I am so, so sorry

Give yourself TIME to digest this. Don't rush anything. These things come up when they are ready, often without warning - he will need you to be steady, and you need to give yourself time and space too - this will take its toll on both of you.

I'm stunned for you - I'm just so sorry. You've been dealt a real bombshell. My best wishes and thoughts to b.oth of you.

Jenk1, have nothing to say of any use.
Your DH sounds a lovely man and is lucky to have you.

OMG, that's so disturbing. I'm so sorry for your DH and you. I don't know what to say but couldn't read and not post.

Is he having any counselling? The only positive think I can think to say is that at least now after all this time he's been able to tell someone.

that must be sad and strange.

Jen, just to offer you some hope my bil was abused as a child and he has been through tons of therapy and he has a really happy life. There is a way through it, good luck.

Carmenere some in my close family has also been in this situation and now leads a happy life too like you say my sentiments are same and I hope it gives you and your family hope on dark days jenk1.

not surprised he is depressed, and wish you both all the strength you need to get through this.

Has he thought of going back to the police again?

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jenk, remember that his sister and cousin were almost certainly forced into it as well.

I once across a case where a brother and sister were abused by their mother and father. For eg, the boy was made to have sex with his sister and mother as a birthday treat

The boy told his teacher (eventually) and he had a lot of help.

god, your poor dh and you obv.

have his cousin and sister denied it then if the family didn't support him? i think that's quite common in these situations. when one person decides to tell people the others deny it so it looks like that person is making it up or something.

Oh honey, that all seems so unfair and hard on you all. I really hope you can work through the depression and move forwards. xx

Oh Jenk you poor love and your poor dh

Like the others have said you need time for this to sink in. I'm sure dealing with the fact that he was abused by his Uncle was hard enough.

Thinking of you both.

my god it just gets worse.

sounds to me like his cousin and sister were also abused by the uncle.

first and foremost you need to take care of yourself so that you can be strong for dh. he's very lucky to have you.

take care.

I dont know how to help him, he,s lost in his own world, he told me he keeps having flashbacks,that certain smells,places,objects keep triggering off memories.

i have been in touch with a psychologist who specialises in working with adults who were victims of child abuse and im waiting for her to give us a date for DH to see her.

Where was his dad when all this was going on?
i asked him if his dad has ever abused him and he said "not that i can remember" what does that mean?

As for his sister i feel a mixture of anger,disgust and pity because something must have happened to her, DH said perhaps she was experimenting, but i said no you experiment with your boyfriend not your BROTHER, and especially not full blown intercourse.

We are fortunate in that none of them phone him, they visited 3 weeks ago to see our new house but we havent heard anything since and im bloody glad.

One thing thats making me uneasy is that his dad is obsessed with the latest grandchild, he takes him everywhere,babysits him when the adults are going out and he,s only 2, i feel sick, ive told DH of my concerns but he says im being paranoid, one things for sure he,ll never get his hands on my two.

His dad hates me and im beginning to see why, cos i see him for what he is and dont fall for his bullshit.

i feel angry, can ou tell?

Message withdrawn

he,ll never get his hands on one of my kids rest assured!!!!!

Bit more about his dad, when i met DH, we met on the saturday he moved in on the monday, we married 9 months later, money was coming out of his account left right and centre, he had a court date for an unpaid Direct Debit, someone (his dad) had took out a loan in his name and not paid it, his dad used to pick up hisd post and pay his bills for him, he forged his signature for a loan of £500, DH on my dads advice went to police and told them that someone had used his name fraudently, the police gave him a crime no and the bank dropped the charges.

His dad has used him time and time again for money,emotional abuse, the first time i went to a family BBQ at his sisters, FIL smacked DH around the head for cutting his pork steak up and not "Fecking eating it with your hands like you,ve been brought up to"

horrible horrible man.

so sorry jenk i try to avoid these threads but really could not let it go

your husband needs help and support as do you, it is not easy, it takes years and it will always be with you but life does get better.

becoming a parent in itself drags up all sort of raw emotions and memories become less 'abstract' as you look at your own children and you think 'how can anyone' 'do i have it in me' etc. that is a cause of a lot of anquish

also cutting all ties with these people is a good thing, he needs to concentrate on himself his wife and children. having this poison around is not helpful.

his sister is probably a victim too but that is noy his fault

i wish you all the best it is a long long journey with many dark spot but you can make it though . do please get help