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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH told me something terrible tonight

46 replies

jenk1 · 13/04/2007 23:41

some of you may remember that my DH last year went to the police over him being abused as a child by his uncle.

He has been off work since last August with depression/anxiety as the police dropped the case and most of his family didnt support him.

He has been very depressed recently and things came to a head this week and i left for the night as he was making me ill.

Since then we have talked and the other night he told me that not only his uncle abused him but that his cousin and his older sister as well in fact he lost his virginity to his older sister.

since he has told me i feel numb, i feel so angry for him and what he has gone through and his family i feel rage.

i dont know what else to say, i just wanted to offload.

OP posts:

batters · 14/04/2007 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mytwopenceworth · 14/04/2007 14:02

terrible. just terrible. his 'family' sound toxic.

i know this may seem drastic, but have you considered moving away. far away and not telling any of them where you are?

your husband may benefit from knowing that these people are not going to continue to be in his life

Marina · 14/04/2007 14:23

I agree with every word of batters' post jenk. I remember your threads about this very well. I wish you and your dh all the luck in the world in continuing to deal with the fallout from his abusive childhood. I cannot tell you how sorry I am that the police have dropped the case and that the abuse was more widespread than you first thought. I hope you can get to that psychologist very soon. XXX

Londonmamma · 14/04/2007 14:31

I could not have contact with the father of a family in which this sort of abuse had occurred -please listen to Kerrymum on this one.
I agree with mytwopenceworth that getting away from the lot of them, along with plentiful therapy for your poor DH might be the way forward. It must be SO hard for you to see his father with your own DC and know what sort of childhood he allowed his son to endure.

I am so so sorry for all of you.

foxinsocks · 14/04/2007 14:32

oh jenk, I'm so sorry. I remember your original threads and how brave you all had been.

In terms of your dh saying he doesn't 'remember' about whether his father was involved - it's very very hard to look back on these events once you're an adult and separate out exactly (in precise details) every single event. Especially, I imagine, if he had multiple abusers . He may well have just started to switch himself off when it was happening.

Or he may have suspicions and not want to admit it to himself.

I hope the counsellor gets back to you soon. And I agree, trust your instincts here jenk and steer clear of his father.

How wonderful that you continue to be so strong for him.

Biglips · 14/04/2007 14:36

oh no jenk im so sorry to hear xxxx

Original poster

jenk1 · 14/04/2007 18:35

i feel so angry i could go to the inlaws and punch them, why didnt his sister,cousin back him up last year?
i thought his sister,s reaction was strange at the time "just put it behind you and get on with your life"

ive ordered 2 books from amazon, one is for men who were abused as children and the other is for the partner of an adult that was abused, im hoping they will help while we wait for the appointment with the counsellor

OP posts:

warthog · 14/04/2007 18:39

i think it's definitely possible that his sister was abused and can't come to terms with it.

i'm glad you're getting help though. is it possible to cut contact with his family?

foxinsocks · 14/04/2007 18:40

probably because they were worried he would implicate them as well

just awful jenk

Original poster

jenk1 · 14/04/2007 18:46

we have practically, ive not been down there since january and Dh hasnt been down for a couple of months and he doesnt ring them now.

im going to tell him that i dont think he should have any thing to do with them, ive held off in the past fearing that i would be a control freak for saying that and that its his decision, but he,s not well and i have to look after him.

he,s supposed to be going back to work next week, dont know if he will make it, he says he wants to as he,s very bored at home.

OP posts:

warthog · 14/04/2007 18:50

quite right too jenk1. i think you'd be doing him a favour steering him clear. perhaps he feels too many mixed emotions to be able to make the break.

Dinosaur · 14/04/2007 19:00

jenk1, I'm so sorry, your poor DH

theUrbanDryad · 14/04/2007 19:22

jenk, this is a good book, and i also found these people very useful, but it depends if there's a centre in your area.

i wish you all the best will in the world. it is a horrible journey, with lots of pain, but you can get through it. honest.

and FWIW i would have nothing more to do with any of his awful family. just cut them out of your life completely, if you can.

theUrbanDryad · 14/04/2007 19:23

x post.

hoolagirl · 14/04/2007 20:29

Sorry nothing useful to add, I remember your postings from the last time and feel so for you and your dh.
You will get through it in time, counselling and supporting each other. x

batters · 15/04/2007 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fransmom · 15/04/2007 13:01

oh jenk i am so sorry. i remember your posts from last year - how awful. can you bring a private prosecution? or is that not "available" to you? i wish you all the best sweethearts ((((((((((((jenk and family)))))))))))

Original poster

jenk1 · 15/04/2007 13:14

i dont think DH wants to go down the prosecuting route any more, he says he has lost trust with the police,CPS, he was willing to go to court against his uncle but there wasnt enough evidence.

He starts back at work a week on monday, i think this is what he needs as he,s just moping around the house and we are all getting on each others nerves, ive told him not to worry about weekends, i will cope with the kids, we,ve moved house now and we have a large back garden for them to play in, he worrys because i had PND and couldnt cope with them when he wasnt here but ive had counselling for that and im ok now.

he spent most of yesterday in tears,not wanting to talk, so i left him alone.

im going to spoil him tonight and make him a curry and ill even watch one of his dreaded "cops car chase at 300mph" programmes that he,s obsessed with as long as it cheers him up.

He.s started back on the AD,s as well now so hopefully they will kick in soon.

OP posts:

Nightynight · 15/04/2007 13:20

feel so sorry for you having to go through this.
A friend has just discovered something similar in his family (he was not directly involved) and he says the absolute worst thing about his family is their refusal to face reality or bring anything out into the open.
My family is a bit similar in this respect, they will swear green is red rather than confront what they dont want to see.
Terrible, if someone has suffered as your dh has.

batters · 15/04/2007 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fransmom · 17/04/2007 21:10

hi jenk i hope things will continue to move the right way for you all xxxxxxxx

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