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Original poster

MIL called DD horrible

77 replies

LinaLaaamont · 29/10/2017 20:46

I’m separated from DH for Four years. We have two DDs. DD1 who’s 11 is very like me. Dd2 is like her dad.
DD1 says her Granny made her cry today by telling her she was horrible. DD1 says she wanted to use her dad’s phone charger, was told no, so was in a huff. I appreciate this is not ideal, but probably typical, behaviour.
MIL then shouted at her again ‘I can’t even speak to you. You are horrible!’
Is this seen a bit extreme?

OP posts:

Isetan · 30/10/2017 06:44

Pick your battles and IMHO this ain't in the top 10. Your DD was being bratty and was called out on it, yes her grandmother's words were less than ideal but not the end of the world. Given the strained dynamics at play here I wouldn't pursue this unless it was a pattern of behaviour.

In addition, being a 'typical' teen isn't a get out of jail card and poor behaviour should be challenged.

Angelf1sh · 30/10/2017 06:54

If she was being horrible then I cannot see any reason why she shouldn’t have been told so. This sounds like you’re making a mountain out of a molehill to me OP.

Jenala · 30/10/2017 07:08

There's a difference between saying "you're being horrible" and saying "you're horrible".

Of course people don't have to parent professionally but too many adults wilfully or otherwise are unable to regulate their own emotions and children can bear the brunt.

Joysmum · 30/10/2017 07:24

As you have admitted, it’s entirely possible DD was behaving worse than she’s told you and was minimising.

She was told no by her father, that wouldn’t have needed a follow up if she’d accepted a no and hadn’t subsequent kicked off (ie had a paddy).

Having probably minimized her behaviour as the OP admitted, it’s also very likely she’s escalated the responses to her behaviour she’d recevied meening her horrible behaviour translates into her being horrible and n the retelling.

Lastly she was with her other parent at the time. It’s up to him to parent and him to call out any inappropriate behaviour by others towards his dd.

The dd knows full well she can trigger her dm and is smarting from being told no and so is playing one off against the other so you undermine her father and nan because she knows she can!

justabout2016 · 30/10/2017 07:37

Exactly.

MadMags · 30/10/2017 07:56

Can we please stop with the having a paddy? It's disgusting.

Joysmum · 30/10/2017 08:00

Madmags no ‘we’ can’t.

It’s a normal term where I’m from to describe a minor tantrum and so perfectly fits the bill. I’d expect an adult to be mature enough to be able to understand and accept that there are variations in dialect across the English speaking world 🙄

SoupyNorman · 30/10/2017 08:06

Yes and some of those variations/'normal terms' derive from racist origins and are offensive. Like this one.

uthredswife · 30/10/2017 08:14

Joysmum it is offensive and has been done to death on this site. You have been told. I don't understand why you persist. Do you often bandy about offensive outdated terminology?

ladyedith · 30/10/2017 08:28

Good post LarryGrylls, I agree. I think you are overreacting OP and to call this 'extreme' is lacking in perspective.

MadMags · 30/10/2017 08:33

It's not a dialect variance, it's racist shite as you well know.

So stop being racist and you can fuck off with your eye roll while you're at it. :)

RavingRoo · 30/10/2017 09:00

At 11 she shouldn’t be throwing a strop over being told to wait to use a charger. Also, over apparently wanting to call you - I bet she didn’t, she probably wanted to call a friend, but is telling you what you need to hear to cause trouble. It’s probably obvious to her that you and your ex have issues. However, having said this, I don’t think you should say anything to her nlw. It’s up to the parent who was with her at the time and who saw what went on to tell her off, they clearly did, so you move on.

Joysmum · 30/10/2017 09:22

My family is of Irish blood and we have no issue with it.

Me and my family prefer to use our brains to judge the intent behind using a word. Takes a little more effort and intelligence I guess, but your offence on our behalf is not welcome.

Joysmum · 30/10/2017 09:22

Oh and I forgot this to add this 🙄

MadMags · 30/10/2017 09:57

I'm Irish. So spare me the Irish blood shite.

"Irish blood" means you're English and think you have free reign to use racist terms.

Thymeout · 30/10/2017 10:25

I don't get this argument where people say, 'You wouldn't say that to an adult'. Children aren't adults. It's a parent's job to teach them so they learn not to do things which are horrible, selfish, spiteful etc. An adult wouldn't have had a spectacular strop if they had to wait their turn to use the charger. If they did, we'd have said they were behaving like a child.

We have no idea what she said to her father which shocked her gran, but it must have been pretty outrageous to make a mild-mannered woman think it was 'horrible'.

BarbarianMum · 30/10/2017 10:34

I think 11 is old enough to start understanding how other people perceive your behaviour. And I think its fine for someone to be told there behaviour is horrible if it is, in fact, horrible.

Atenco · 30/10/2017 12:56

I'm Irish born and bred, and am not at all offended by the expression "have a paddy". Joysmum is also talking a lot of sense about the dd playing the two sides off against each other. It is only natural.

Branleuse · 30/10/2017 13:05

if another adult was being horrible, id be even MORE likely to call them horrible than I would a child, but either way, I dont think its a big deal

KarateKitten · 30/10/2017 13:16

Well, was she being horrible? If so then I think it's fine to call it like it is.

You seem to be implying some issue with DD1 being like you and therefore exMIL is abusive to her?? Do you want to discuss that?

Thymeout · 30/10/2017 13:19

Whatever 'paddy' may once have referred to, it is now mainstream and the overwhelming majority of people think it means a strop. They don't connect it with an Irishman - or a rice field, come to that. Being offended when no offence is intended and calling it 'racist shite' only adds fuel to the 'PC gawn mad' side of the debate and diverts attention from genuine acts of racism. The same applies to 'beyond the pale'. There's enough racial prejudice around without looking for it where it doesn't exist.

grannytomine · 30/10/2017 14:18

That is disgusting ! No matter what she has done a grandparent should never say such things ! I'd be going mental and telling her dad straight ! Well I called one of my GC horrible yesterday and his mother is welcome to complain about it. Mind you she has phoned me this morning to talk about his behaviour and ask me to back her up with his dad (my son.)

Why did I call him horrible? Well he had his little brother in tears 3 times and the last time we had to drag him off him and the little one has a black eye. I make no apology for calling him horrible. I love him dearly but just at the moment I don't like him, not even a little bit, and his mother is at the end of her tether.

shockthemonkey · 30/10/2017 15:15

It's free rein, Mags.

OP, your MIL should have self-censored. She hardly has the excuse of dealing with your DD day in, day out... and with the family dynamics as they are she should have been more mindful.

shockthemonkey · 30/10/2017 15:24

It does sound as if she's having a proxy-fight with you via your DD.

If so that's very childish.

derxa · 30/10/2017 15:28

What a fuss over nothing.

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