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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL called DD horrible

77 replies

LinaLaaamont · 29/10/2017 20:46

I’m separated from DH for Four years. We have two DDs. DD1 who’s 11 is very like me. Dd2 is like her dad.
DD1 says her Granny made her cry today by telling her she was horrible. DD1 says she wanted to use her dad’s phone charger, was told no, so was in a huff. I appreciate this is not ideal, but probably typical, behaviour.
MIL then shouted at her again ‘I can’t even speak to you. You are horrible!’
Is this seen a bit extreme?

OP posts:
HeteronormativeHaybales · 29/10/2017 21:57

I'd be concerned that her father wasn't prepared to facilitate her calling you. He could have let her use his phone. Anyway, why was it more important for his phone to be charged than his 11yo dd's? And is that his habitual use of language ('doesn't give a shit')?

'You're horrible' to a child is beyond unacceptable. I'd be very angry.

(OT: I'm with the poster who was Hmm about the use of the word 'paddy')

coolaschmoola · 29/10/2017 21:57

My dd is sometimes horrible. I sometimes tell her to 'stop being horrible' - she usually does. If not she loses a privilege, usually screen time. She seems to be fine. 🤔

Santawontbelong · 29/10/2017 21:59

Use the fact she is an ex mil to keep your distance. People like her don't deserve dgc.

Original poster
LinaLaaamont · 29/10/2017 21:59

coolas my concern is that my dad was called horrible. “You’re being horrible” is different to “you’re horrible” imo.
Yes, that is the way STBExDH usually speaks.

OP posts:
shakeyourcaboose · 29/10/2017 22:01

For me a 'paddy' is a particular demonstrative temper tantrum. Am Scottish and as far as I know that's all it means!

shakeyourcaboose · 29/10/2017 22:02

Other than the nickname for the Patricks I know!

Original poster
LinaLaaamont · 29/10/2017 22:03

shake i’m Scottish too and have never heard Paddy before. I assumed it meant a huff. She didn’t have a temper tantrum. We’re 8 or 9 years past those!

OP posts:
Original poster
LinaLaaamont · 29/10/2017 22:06

“Throwing a Paddy - A dated and offensive expression generally used by English people to describe someone having an over the top strop“

OP posts:
BerylStrEeek · 29/10/2017 22:12

Can DD1 refuse to go back to see her Granny? Does it happen during her contact time with ex?

I don't think I like the sound of your Ex's family dynamic - Granny 'doesn't give a shit what you think'. Charming.

justabout2016 · 29/10/2017 22:22

My kids can on occasion be horrible - and I have no qualms whatsoever in telling them! It’s important that they realise that other people have feelings too.

Thymeout · 30/10/2017 00:17

Are pp sure a child notices the difference between 'You are horrible' and 'Your behaviour is horrible' and 'Stop being horrible'. I think all they hear is 'horrible' and that's what's been reported back to you. I know you're meant to label the behaviour not the child, but I honestly think that's a bit sophisticated and philosophical for a child to appreciate.

11yr olds can be horrible and selfish and downright nasty. Just like adults. And your dd could well be playing one off against the other.

I think you're making far too much of this. Her father was there and he was dealing with it. Your dd could well be playing one off against the other. I'm sure she knows how you feel about MIL and thinks you will be a sympathetic audience.

doodle01 · 30/10/2017 00:28

Horrible Henry !
An elder expression chill

ladyme · 30/10/2017 00:36

My dd is 11 as well and this would piss me right off too!

NikiBabe · 30/10/2017 00:56

My MIL is very timid and quiet. I am gobsmacked that she reacted this way - even if DD1 was very badly behaved.

Children are their own best spin doctors.

It may not have happened the way she said it did.

Atenco · 30/10/2017 00:59

In your case, my dd probably wouldn't have reported her gran because I would have told her off for behaving badly in her gran's house.

justabout2016 · 30/10/2017 04:28

@Atenco

Totally agree. We are way too precious about our kids sometimes. If she was being horrible (and all kids can be!) then she needs calling out on it. She will most likely have put her slant on it.

Part of being a parent is teaching kids to be good people, which means also pulling them up when they’re not.

I too would have asked her what went on - and more than likely been disappointed that she’d been rude at her gran’s house. I don’t want my kids to be rude.

Slartybartfast · 30/10/2017 04:59

When are they coming back.
I should take a step back op.otherwise the chasm will get wider
be non committal to your DD about MIL

WomblingThree · 30/10/2017 05:02

It’s not about being “precious” or letting children do as they like though. Resorting to calling children names or insulting them is just rude ultimately. You wouldn’t tell another adult they were horrible, just because they mildly annoyed you, so it’s unnecessary to do it to children (who are actually people with feelings too).

It was up to the child’s father to discipline her, it didn’t need gran sticking her nose in.

SuperBeagle · 30/10/2017 05:10

How do you know MIL told her she was horrible? Is that just what your daughter has said?

justabout2016 · 30/10/2017 05:26

@WomblingThree

It’s entirely about being precious.

So she was called horrible. It won’t scar her for life. Maybe she was horrible to her gran! What about her gran’s feelings? There is nothing to suggest her gran is a bad person. The op even says they used to be close and she’s tried to maintain a relationship with her.

Saying “there there” when the dc has more than likely been rude will make her entitled and think her feelings come before anyone’s.

Makes me really cross. As a teacher I see thus often. Parents who can’t deal with their child being pulled up for bad behaviour.

She will experience this and worse in later life.

If she’d sworn or been vicious then agreed. But we all lose patience from time to time. And telling a child they are being ‘horrible’ won’t scar them. I told my 11 yr old daughter she was being horrible last week - after organising her party, having friends over, taking her all over the place to play dates, clubs etc - she was acting like a diva.

So yes - she was being horrible.

She apologised, we had a chat and a cuddle, and all sorted. It was the right thing to do.

justabout2016 · 30/10/2017 05:40

And in terms of the child’s feelings - I worry about my daughters feelings ALL the time. Having sleepless nights about her friendships at the moment.

Worried she’s not eating well enough. Worried about her body image and her transition to secondary school. Worried about the struggles with maths homework. So yes- their feelings are uppermost. Way more important to me than my own. And sure OP’s daughter feelings are too, with her gran.

It doesn’t mean they can’t be pulled up for being horrible. Because they need to recognise that other people’s feelings matter too.

Atenco · 30/10/2017 05:46

You wouldn’t tell another adult they were horrible, just because they mildly annoyed you

No I wouldn't. But I would if they behaved horribly. The OP has said that the grandmother is very mild-mannered so I doubt she said such a strong thing without major provocation.

WomblingThree · 30/10/2017 05:51

Hang on @justabout2016, you extrapolated and projected a hell of a lot there! I didn’t advocate saying “there there”. If either of mine had come home and told me their Nan had called them horrible, I would tell them they should have behaved then. However, I would still tell my mother or MIL not to speak to them like that. It’s unnecessary. Plus, as I said, it’s up to the child’s parent to discipline (which it sounds like he did). There’s nothing more annoying than someone else butting in when you’ve already dealt with it. The gran saying “I can’t even speak to you” is ridiculously over-dramatic.

justabout2016 · 30/10/2017 05:54

Fair enough. I perhaps did project a bit, apologies! .

But the fact remains that I’m sure the tale the daughter gave wasn’t the full one. If she was being horrible to her gran, then I do think it’s ok for the gran to say so.

larrygrylls · 30/10/2017 06:20

There is an idea these days that parents (and grandparents) should parent ‘professionally’, with no leeway given for normal emotions or loss of control.

The corollary to this is that children are both super sensitive and stupid. They aren’t.

If adults provide a loving supportive environment for children, children understand the odd raised voice, carelessly chosen word etc is not life changing.

Resilience is hard won and it is learning to deal with real human beings with moods etc that will help them understand interactions at school and in the workplace.

It is really sad that people judge both themselves and others against the standard of the ‘perfect’ parent.