Advice on coming to terms with childlessness

[AllAdrift]

Hello, first time poster here. It feels a bit odd posting this on Mumsnet, but I can’t think of anywhere else that I could ask for advice in this way. Perhaps someone else is reading this who’s been in the same place as me.

I am 36, DP 39. We’ve been together for ten years. I love him to bits and know he feels the same way about me. Neither of us have been interested in marriage or children, and we’ve just floated along happily with just a mortgage and a joint bank account.

But this year I’ve had an overwhelming urge to have a child. My DP’s child. I have never been more certain about something. I’ve obviously talked to DP about this (a lot), but even though I know he would be a wonderful father, he is adamant that he doesn’t want any children. And of course this is his absolute right. He hasn’t changed; I have.

I am devastated. My heart feels as if it’s sat in a pit at the bottom of my stomach. As indulgent as it sounds, I can’t really comprehend the future now. I want to grow old with my DP; there’s absolutely no question I would split up with him over this (and the very fact I’m pushing 37 means the chance of me starting a family with anyone else is slim to none). So I need to come to terms with remaining childless. But right now I am really struggling. I am trying so hard to keep a lid on my emotions because I don’t want DP to feel that I blame him (or worse, am trying to emotionally blackmail him into changing his mind), but it’s bubbling under. I cry when he’s not around to see me do so. I’m really anxious that if I don’t get a handle on this, my unhappiness will turn into resentment and I will destroy a relationship with a man I adore and who (usually) makes me so happy.

Any advice (or a stern talking to) welcome. I feel completely adrift at the moment.

That is a sad situation. But if I were you I wouldn't accept that I was going to be childless. If you were 46 that would be a bit different. But you're 36 and still have time to have a child. For some people having a child proves impossible and they don't have a choice but to come to terms with this. That is very painful.

What would he do if you said you want to start trying and if he says no that's the end of the relationship. Childfree by choice is a different thing. But why should you come to terms with being childless if you could possibly have a child. Hope things work out.

You both need a big discussion.

Even if you tried it's not guaranteed. My great mate went through so much painful surgery to find out that children were not possible for him so he allowed his then partner to play away then bring up the child together. It works for them.

Other friends have three adopted sons - two Downs and one FAS. They're amazing parents and do everything they do for their children

Then there's Chris and Alex with their cars, motorbikes, holidays, houses businesses. They have accepted that they will never have children.

It's a short time from 38 - 43 ish.

If I had my time again I'd have stayed with my first love. We would have had .... two children; a house?

OP, I agree that you need to explore if you can whether you really desperately do want a child. I think counselling could be a good idea and the book mentioned by nursebuttercup sounds good.
It is, however, entirely likely that you do actually really want children and if that is the case you need to do two things:- 1/ Make sure that your partner understands exactly how much it means to you. Let him see you cry and tell him how you feel - not to blackmail him emotionally but so that he really understands the decision each of you is making and 2/ Prepare yourself that you may have to leave him. If you want children, I think you owe it to yourself to explore the option, even if it means losing your partner. I don't think you would ever regret it.

I walked away from my DP at 36, met my now fiancé at 37 and had a baby just before I was 38. We now have two DC and my fertility journey has been incredibly hard. No man is more important than your own children. So I'm sorry I think your 'dear' partner is bring incredibly selfish.

I don't know whether it's fair to say he's being selfish, he's being honest, he's always been of that stance, it's the OP that's had the change of heart.. (I'm not blaming the OP, it is something that is what it is, not that's she's contrived). It's a real tough one. You shouldn't have a baby if you really don't want one, but it's extremely tough on the partner if they really want one. I couldn't have children, it was tough, but perhaps easier because there was no denying or difference of opinion - that's the hardest bit to come to terms with. One of the things that I had to focus on was that I loved my life and husband, so had a lot to be thankful for, even without a child.

Would it be possible to freeze your eggs? Perhaps give yourself a few more years that way. I'd also have counselling and discuss it with friends and family - and him, if you can.

I think that you need to find someone else that you can talk to about this-maybe a friend or a therapist? Ultimately though I would advise you not to do something that you regret. People change. They change their minds, they change their priories and, they change their life plans and that's ok. You don't need to feel guilty about this. But you do think about whether you really want to come to terms with it. It's not impossible fir you to have a family at this point whether it is with someone else or alone. But there is a chance that you won't and the longer you leave it the less likely it is that it will happen. You need to be very honest with yourself. Do you love your DP enough to give up having children for him? Or are you just scared of being alone? Would you rather be alone having tried and failed or be with your DP knowing that he is the reason that you never had children?

I'm sorry OP, it's a horrible place to be.

My DH is infertile. I'm desperate to have kids, but we have to go via IVF and we only get 1 cycle on the NHS in our area and we cannot afford private treatment. Alternatively we can try donor (feels very weird to us both and has a cost implication), or adoption (not guaranteed, can take years, not sure if it's what we want).

I'm 36, he's 37. I'm currently crippled with indecision. We are now wondering if we should not try, and focus on a child free future without the worries of money, infertility, being tied down etc. Then I think about it and sob.... So I'm also stuck but in a very different set of circumstances.

Thank you all - I’d not expected so many replies. I really appreciate having such a variety of opinions (and I’m getting a bit damp-eyed reading some of them). I’m sorry that some of you have had the choice of children taken away from you - I realise that’s an even harder thing to come to terms with.

twinnywinny14 I found your post especially helpful, and it’s made me realise (as have other posters) that I do need to be more open with my partner. He’s said before that I’m making him feel like the person in the wrong (just by being honest with him about my own feelings), and I worry that by asking him to come to counselling with me, he’ll interpret it as my trying to push him into changing his mind. He is very reserved and would rather cut off his own arm than talk about his feelings to a stranger. But you are right, he needs to feel this too.

I’ve also realised, reading these replies, that I don’t need to apologise for feeling the way I do, or for changing my mind, any more than my DP does for not. Thank you, I needed to be reminded of this.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers My heart goes out to you. What a devastating and difficult position to be in. I wish I could offer you something in the way of help, but I can send you empathy and good wishes for whatever path you take. When acquaintances and distant family members elbow you jokingly and say things like “better get a move on with those kids, eh?”, they have no idea.

Sleep, I'd very much disagree that he's being selfish.

He has never wanted children and hasn't done a u turn or lied about it.

Not giving in to something as huge as becoming a parent to keep someone else happy isn't selfish. Pressuring somebody into parenthood or giving them an ultimatum is.

The OP can leave and find another partner or go the donor route is she wants children more than her current partner. There are other options.

God this is hard.. and neither of you are in the wrong. All I'll say is I never wanted kids, never liked them... accidentally got pregnant and it's the best thing that's happened to me. There's no greater feeling. I agree with a pp, the love I feel for DP is massively overshadowed by my love for my children. It's amazing. You get one life OP. You have time though, maybe give it a year and see if you still feel the same.

'I think it’s a real shame that men seem incapable of making their partners happy by welcoming the idea of a child'

OP, please ignore utter nonsense like this. There is NOTHING wrong with not wanting children, and your man seems clear that they are not for him.

There is also nothing wrong with feeling as you do. I have felt similar - tears, heartache, depression, seeing babies and children and pregnant bumps everywhere and feeling lost at not being a part of it all. I know how real this feels for you right now and it hurts.

As other posters have said, it settles down. It honestly does. I think counselling is an excellent idea, to help unpick your feelings. You sound totally overwhelmed by how you feel, and that's understandable. Maybe you want children, maybe you're just being hit by a tidal wave of hormones and non stop messages from society that being a mum is 'what every woman wants' and the 'normal' thing to do.

Some have urged you not to give up on having children. I would urge you not to give up on a childfree life and what sounds like a great relationship. Having children is not for everyone. Only you can figure out what is right for you. It's a HUGE decision and can feel unbearable. I hear you x

OP - you absolutely should not feel that your feelings are less important than your partner’s.
And - frankly - for you - yours should be the most important ones.
He has unlimited time, and at any time can leave you and have a kid with someone else. So - his curren choice - doesn’t tie him to being childless.
Your timing is very, very different.

I was the same age as you when the urge to have a child overtook me.
And - as most people already said - that desire doesn’t go away.
And - if you give it up for him - it will come back and haunt you. And potentially create problems down the road - with bitterness and resentments.

No matter how much you love him - no man is worth giving up motherhood for.

Years ago many women in your position might just stop taking their pill on the sly and deal with the fall out later...

I don’t advocate lying to him however - but you could look into doing it on your own with a sperm donor.

You may change your mind again but honestly I doubt it - between now and about 45 your feelings are only going to get stronger

Whether your partner's choice is valid or not is not the issue. You must make a choice. You must choose whether you want to try to have children or not. If you stay with him and he really is steadfast then you will have made the choice to not have children. That choice may well be a good one if he is a great partner. But it will have been a choice.

I would choose the possibility of a child. I would choose it now and would not delay.

36 - you’re still so young! A friend of mine’s just had her first at 45.

If it were me I couldn’t prioritise a man over kids, you can replace a man however much you love him, but you can’t replace the experience of motherhood.

*DH just read that and sang “you’re not irreplaceable” at me.
But said me not wanting kids would have been a dealbreaker.

I remember being hugely agonisingly apologetic for being broody. I had ruined everything, we had a lovely life, I was fucking it all up for what? A feeling? I was devastated. I literally prayed for it to vanish. I felt so guilty, so remorseful, so selfish.

I was the problem, I had changed, he hadn't changed or done anything wrong. I was crippled by my cringing guilt. So I said very little to him, and fought it. And cried in private.

Eventually I blurted it out to DH and kept apologising and apologising. He said why are you apologising? I said because we had this whole life mapped out and I'm fucking it up. And he shrugged and said "So we had a whole life mapped out. So??? Does that mean we're never allowed to change? Life changes, we change, shit happens."

So I'm saying the exact same thing to you. Stop being so apologetic. Shit happens. Life changes. You have changed. You're allowed. If he can't change with you maybe your destiny lies elsewhere.

But he needs to know. He really does. He needs to know the person he loves most in the world is going through some serious trauma right now. He needs all the facts and that includes the fact that your heart is breaking.

Op - what would be your Dp' s reaction if you accidentally fell pregnant - you have discussed not having kids - have you discussed this - would he come round to the fact that he was going to be a father or would he not want you to have the baby - do you know what his reasons are for not wanting children _ did he have an unhappy childhood - does he think it is a daunting responsibility

I agree that you need to talk your feelings through with him- if you think that your relationship would be tested by just a discussion then maybe there is more to this than you currently think - good luck op x

Very true Elspeth - the other thing is you really need to talk to your friends.

I think the loyalty to DP is a bit OTT - I could cope perfectly well if couple friends of mine had this kind of issue between them. I would think it really odd if a female friend couldn’t tell me this for that reason.

Great post elspeth

This is a very difficult situation for you - and for him too. The instinct to reproduce is very very strong and it is perfectly reasonable for it to kick in for you now. Of course he is entitled to stick with the idea of not having children but like pp said - don't apologise for your feelings changing and a perfectly natural and normal instinct to kick in. Your feelings are perfectly valid and need to be addressed.

Unfortunately I think in your circumstances the fact that I wanted to have a baby so much and dh refused would taint the relationship anyway - it wouldn't be as simple as "right so, thought I'd ask in case you changed your mind too" and back to business as usual. I could happily have lived with DH if he was infertile. I don't know if I could if he simply refused to have a child.

Also, this issue is pretty time critical for you. You have time but not loads of it. He has all the time in the world. If he decides he would quite like a baby at age 49 it is still a possibility for him. Not really for you. I would be thinking of the worst-case scenario where you don't get pregnant, the relationship falters, he meets someone else and goes ahead and has a baby with her. No that isn't likely to happen but ... has he had a vasectomy? If not, why not? If he doesn't want children ever surely this is the easiest way to take the issue off the table forever.

good luck OP. This is a hard one.

Couple counselling seems a good start, then working out which is stronger your desire to have a child or stay with your partner? It is a horrid situation to be in. We we first realised that it was highly possible I would unable to DC with my DH he offered to leave but I didn't want that. This decision was easy though as he was open to adopting although not to using a donor. We had one round of IVF and had twins, we then went back and forth for the next five plus years about whether to try and have more, with neither of us managing to agree and both of us changing our minds. It was much easier than your situation but quite emotional. Now in my early 40's I am happy with the situation we came to but it took lots of talking and tears. Neither of you are wrong.

It’s not so unlikely pallisers I know two women who remained childless through their partner’s choice, then split and the partners now have kids. (Too late for the women).

You are definitely not too old to,have children. I think one of the posters earlier said about the hormonal change where the body knows it’s the last chance to have children and hence the urge. I was with my DH for 10 years, very happily childless. Never even talked about children. I wasn’t maternal and don’t like playing with other people’s children. (However I always see myself with children in my old age). Then around 35/36 I suddenly really wanted children. Then I had two at 37 and 39. Sounds like I’m not too dissimilar in age with you on this timeline.

If I were to find myself or my DH infertile I believe I can come to terms with it. But if we didn’t try, I would have been bitter and resentful.

Op I understand totally your feeling for wanting a child. It is all consuming and overwhelming. All I can say to you is two things, I desperately wanted a child, my partner did not. He was adamant he didn’t then we got pregnant totally by accident. He went as far as to suggest a termination. I have a lovely lovely little ds now and my dp utterly adores him. He is his absolute life now and he wouldn’t change him for the world. I adore my ds too but that want and need for a child has totally disappeared and I have no doubt whatsoever that that “feeling” was totally hormonal and biological I actually wonder what it would have been like if we hadn’t had children. I love my ds to bits and I wouldn’t change him but the reality is so different to that all consuming need for a child.