Sister obsessed with beauty

[Christmastree43]

I’m in my late 20s, my sister is a couple of years younger. I have always been the ‘clever one’ and she has always been the ‘pretty one’. We actually look very similar and if we go to eg a party together are constantly mixed up or asked if we are twins.

Over the past couple of years she has become more and more obsessed with appearance and beauty etc and has made a number of comments recently which have really gotten to me. I take care of my appearance, have struggled with confidence and the demands of beauty standards etc in the past but generally am content with myself unless I hear something negative about myself.

Examples are texting me last week over the course of two days that she’d seen a picture of herself on Facebook where it looked like she had a double chin and that it had upset her so much she’d been in tears and her boyfriend had bought her flowers - the double chin is a family heirloom that we both share and have joked about in the past. She’s been looking into cosmetic surgery to get it removed. It feels like she is in a way saying I am also ugly, unacceptable and need surgery

She’s constantly obsessing over her skin, spending a fortune on electronic face masks, facials and skin creams from across he world - she has perfect skin, always has and certainly always better than mine! When telling me about a £60 gadget she’s bought this week she said ‘I just thought if it’s upsettig me that much it’s worth it’. Makes me wonder how awful she must think my skin looks!

Out today with our 12 year old cousin, Aunty and Mum. When the 12 year old had left she said ‘her hair just always looks like it needs a brush’ - I thought it looked fine and again wondered how much she must be judging the rest of us I mentioned this to my mum and my mum gave me a knowing look as she also makes comments like this to my Mum - pointing out her flyaway hair or laughing at her outfits etc

A friend once said she likes things like permanent mascara as she’s ‘essentially lazy in the mornings and would rather have the extra time in bed’. I agreed jokigly that I was the same. Sister sounded disgusted and said ‘oh no I’m not, I like to make an effort with my appearance’. It feels like she holds this a virtue and something that makes her better than other people.

I would really like some advice on how to deal with this as to be honest I have at times avoided her as her comments really make me feel low sometimes and are terrible for my self esteem. She is a lovely girl in many respects and I love her as a sister and we get on very well but days like today where there’ve been three or four comments are really getting me down

I understand you, and it sound silly for some people but I had a friend who used to do this to me all the time and it really hurt my feelings. Not because I want to be perfect or better or anything. But if we have imperfections and we know it, why someone has to point it out. But from what you said it sounds like she is too worried about her looks to think about your feelings? Try not to engage with her. why don't you tell her how you feel next time she says something ? Maybe she doesn't even realized

I don't think you're being narcissistic or making this all about you. More that your sister's anxieties are rubbing off on you. It seems that she is desperate for reassurance from you and doesn't grasp that it upsets you.

It sounds as though your family dynamic has left you both with low esteem and both basing your self worth on your appearance.

I think you should be honest with her about how you feel and your concerns surrounding her preoccupation with changing her looks.

You're not alone in worrying about your appearance. I think most women have insecurities. The trick is to not let it define you.

OP, you said in a post:

“The same cousin a couple of years ago said, talking about my sister and I, ‘I have one clever cousin and one pretty one’, and my sister said ‘I know which one id rather be’ - meaning of course that she’s happy to be the pretty one.”

Why ‘of course’? Are you sure she doesn’t resent the expectation that she HAS to be the pretty one? Turn it round - if that’s how people are describing her, and she doesn’t think she’s that attractive, that has to be very tough.

It sounds to me like she has a severe lack of confidence and bolsters herself up by obsessing about beauty and also by favourably comparing herself to others. It's her issue and doesn't reflect badly in you at all.

I have to agree that it stands out how you attribute her comments to you in your op. You lay out the scene and then this strange comment at the end re It feels like she is in a way saying I am also ugly, unacceptable and need surgery. It's very noticeable!

But then I think of my outrageously awful sister,who once said something like 'oh god, there is NO WAY i will ever be a 14' and her revulsion was clear. At that time I was a size 14 and her comments HURT.

But that's my awful, self-observed, tactless, outrageous sister. And we were both marinaded in a very dysfunctional, toxic family dynamic. She's gone her way and I've gone mine. Her way is to be so self-absorbed she has simply no concept of how her behaviour can impact others. Perhaps growing up in an emotionally unsafe family can foster a high level of self-absorption tries to forgive awful sister

Clever vs pretty
In the present we have Pretty stepping forward (so to speak) for validation or justification. What of in the past, when you were in school? Did you always get better grades and were perhaps celebrated and praised for that, while she may have been left standing in the background (her grades probably weren't that awful)?
Now school is over, she sees an open field to advance her cause for some "superior" attention. Could this be an extended period of payback? Yes, sibling rivalry.

I understand the left handed digs that seem petty individually and you would be blamed for being too sensitive for complaining. But they do add up. If you sense your self esteeme being eroded, then you need to pay attention to that. Set boundaries to protect yourself. It doesn't have to be an external boundary of being around her less (although that would help you recover). Can you adjust your pattern or strategy of thinking about the dynamic: stop caring what she thinks at all so much? Can it come to the point of being a "so what?" You can actually stop listening to her- perfectly reasonable boundary for self defense/ self preservation. Like the grown ups on Charlie Brown "Wa wa waaa, wa waaa wa wa" Tune her out. She has worn out the subject. Tedious. Here we go again- pick up your knitting, or cross stitch.

It's ok for you to tell your sister that you share some of her insecurities but you are trying really hard so that those insecurities are not the loudest voice in your head. Hearing her regularly vocalise her insecurities makes it difficult for you to silence your own demons and that for your own wellbeing could she tone it down.

I would be annoyed if someone constantly complained about how they looked because it's so tedious, my motto is do something about it or shut up.

Continue to work through your own insecurities and you'll find that her hang ups won't effect you as much when you really accept (and not just play lip service) to who you are.

Your sister has been totally fucked over by your parents' awful fucking attitude, and you have been damaged too.

I'd drop saying how lovely they were, open your eyes and go and get therapy.

I'm not saying they were evil abusive bastards, but they made at least one HUGE parenting mistake assigning a directly damaging role to your sister that was indirectly damaging to you.

Use the therapy to move past the boxes your parents imposed on you, to recognise when your sister's comments aren't about you, and to stop being snobby about the time / effort your sister puts into her appearance.

Wow this is ringing bells for me - exactly the same for me and my sister, she was the 'pretty' one and I was the 'clever one'. In our case it came out a bit differently though - I always felt like I was unattractive and she felt like she was thick. Which is total nonsense. In reality, of course, we're both attractive and intelligent but both spent years trying to improve at the thing we thought we were worse at. I'd say to people 'my sister is the pretty one' and they'd look at me like I was completely insane.

Fortunately we've been able to talk about this dynamic with each other and recognise how damaging it was and how it was nonsense, which has helped a lot. Also our parents never played into it - it was something that came from outside the family really so at least we've been able to get over it to an extent. Maybe try talking to your sister honestly about it? And you could try pointing out that you have the same chin etc when she brings it up? Not in a passive aggressive way, just say, 'I have the same chin, do you think I need surgery too?' Because I bet she doesn't think that at all and it might make her look at herself slightly differently. She sounds desperately insecure and like she needs some reassurance not only that her looks are absolutely fine, but that there is more to her than just what she looks like! And like a PP it could be that a bit of therapy would help you both escape from these boxes that your family have put you into.

Your sister sounds a bit vacuous tbh.

I was also going to say that I realised I wasnt imagining it when my sister started having her children.

She visited other friends who had babies after her and she sneered at one of them whom she visited and was in her pajamas at midday with her new baby.

My sister remarked that she was a mess and in her pajamas at midday and that she was always up and showered and dressed and make up on right from the start after having hers. She remarked she'd never look like that she'd always make some effort.

I realised at that point it wasnt just me she put down and compared herself too, it was everyone.

She can have being the pretty one if it makes her the bitch of the family and so can ops sister.

But her a copy of "The BeautyMyth" for Xmas.

Being 'beautiful' is useless. I'd rather be intelligent and have an actual meaningful impact on the world.

Have you ever considered your sister may have low self esteem because you and your family have always referred to her as 'the pretty one' whilst you're 'the clever one' ?!

Beauty fades brains don't. She knows this. It sounds as if she's clinging on to her looks to feel good about herself because that's all people have ever complimented her for!

I feel sorry for her. This isn't about you, her comments are about herself - you're just turning it round to you. If you don't like her comments then say something. But maybe people should start appreciating her for things other then her looks and perhaps then she may become a little less focused on how she looks?

I grew up with this a bit

Im the clever one. Apparently. Which stands the test of time better, as my,‘cleverness‘ gets better as I get older (more time to learn stuff) but beauty fades.

But we actually did what a pp did, and spoke to each other about it, and realise we were both bright and reasonably intelligent. Broke the unhealthy dynamic.

I would tell someone to bore off if they went on about looks all the time and have.

Change the subject. Or if you're worried about sis ask her if she's Ok? If she says why tell her your concerns. But don't mention your insecurities. She may be feeling shit enough but the sounds of it?

And your family do sound a bit odd tbh

She sounds a pain the arse.

Do you think your sister is intelligent?