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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sister obsessed with beauty

68 replies

Christmastree43 · 28/10/2017 18:49

I’m in my late 20s, my sister is a couple of years younger. I have always been the ‘clever one’ and she has always been the ‘pretty one’. We actually look very similar and if we go to eg a party together are constantly mixed up or asked if we are twins.

Over the past couple of years she has become more and more obsessed with appearance and beauty etc and has made a number of comments recently which have really gotten to me. I take care of my appearance, have struggled with confidence and the demands of beauty standards etc in the past but generally am content with myself unless I hear something negative about myself.

Examples are texting me last week over the course of two days that she’d seen a picture of herself on Facebook where it looked like she had a double chin and that it had upset her so much she’d been in tears and her boyfriend had bought her flowers - the double chin is a family heirloom that we both share and have joked about in the past. She’s been looking into cosmetic surgery to get it removed. It feels like she is in a way saying I am also ugly, unacceptable and need surgery Sad

She’s constantly obsessing over her skin, spending a fortune on electronic face masks, facials and skin creams from across he world - she has perfect skin, always has and certainly always better than mine! When telling me about a £60 gadget she’s bought this week she said ‘I just thought if it’s upsettig me that much it’s worth it’. Makes me wonder how awful she must think my skin looks!

Out today with our 12 year old cousin, Aunty and Mum. When the 12 year old had left she said ‘her hair just always looks like it needs a brush’ - I thought it looked fine and again wondered how much she must be judging the rest of us Sad I mentioned this to my mum and my mum gave me a knowing look as she also makes comments like this to my Mum - pointing out her flyaway hair or laughing at her outfits etc

A friend once said she likes things like permanent mascara as she’s ‘essentially lazy in the mornings and would rather have the extra time in bed’. I agreed jokigly that I was the same. Sister sounded disgusted and said ‘oh no I’m not, I like to make an effort with my appearance’. It feels like she holds this a virtue and something that makes her better than other people.

I would really like some advice on how to deal with this as to be honest I have at times avoided her as her comments really make me feel low sometimes and are terrible for my self esteem. She is a lovely girl in many respects and I love her as a sister and we get on very well but days like today where there’ve been three or four comments are really getting me down Blush

OP posts:
Isetan · 28/10/2017 20:31

You need to own your issues and stop feeding off your DS's. You appear to have an almost pathological need to compare yourself to your sister, which explains why you are owning her insecurities.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 28/10/2017 20:34

I would stop trying to seek validation or "approval" from your own family Christmas. I find it odd how they've labelled you and your sister and have such restricted expectations of you both. It's probably left you both with terrible hang ups. Sad

Original poster
Christmastree43 · 28/10/2017 20:40

I would agree ILostIt though my DM and DF would be appalled to think so and would never ever have done it intentionally, they are lovely Sad

Isetan I think you are right and this thread has clarified for me. I do have my own hang ups which I am fighting, but I do think that my sister’s sometimes thoughtless, sometimes pointed comments do ‘bring things back up’ for me and that’s what I was asking for advice on how to deal with

OP posts:
CoyoteCafe · 28/10/2017 20:41

Your family dynamic with "the smart one" and "the pretty one" is really twisted. It created a space where there isn't room for you to both be well rounded people.

You are both worthy of love and belonging. That's what your parents should have told you. Not for being pretty or having brains or anything else that you have to do to earn it. It's just a birth right. Unconditional love. A sense of belonging. Just because you are here.

WonderLime · 28/10/2017 20:43

if I turn up to a family event dressed and styled really nicely my dad feels really awkward and will really struggle to compliment me for example, or if I’m going to a spa day, have a new hair cut or mention I’m having my nails done etc everyone seems to find it hilarious as that’s my sister’s ‘territory’

The problem isn’t with your sister - it’s with your parents. You come across as very insecure and I’d imagine your sister feels exactly the same (but for different reasons). But this is what happens when parents stereotype their children. It makes it very difficult to move away from that stereotype in adult life.

The one thing to bear in mind here is that you want to be considered attractive too, but you always have ‘smart’ as a backup - your sister on the other hand just wants to hold on to her beauty - she has nothing without it (and the way you talk about her suggests you believe that too).

littlechous · 28/10/2017 20:50

Your OP sounds strange to me.
You’re the clever one, she’s the pretty one. However you look really alike and could be twins... so.... you’re saying actually you’re the clever one and the pretty one?

Everything she comments on, even if it’s purely about her (her double chin for example) you have taken to be an insult to you.

I echo a PP. why is it all about you?

Dozer · 28/10/2017 20:55

the family sounds dysfunctional and you both sound insecure, and high in rivalry.

TatianaLarina · 28/10/2017 20:59

I’ve no idea why her insecurities have anything to do with you?

If my sister worried about x, y, z it would never occur to me to think it related to me. They’re her worries.

Ultimately this is as much about your own insecurities as your sister’s.

Original poster
Christmastree43 · 28/10/2017 21:02

Everything she comments on, even if it’s purely about her (her double chin for example) you have taken to be an insult to you.

I think that’s a little unfair. If you and a friend both had e.g a big nose and had shared with each other how much you hated it, I think it would be very insensitive to message that friend out of the blue one day saying how ugly your nose made you feel and how you were planning and saving for plastic surgery to change it as soon as you could?

OP posts:
Dozer · 28/10/2017 21:04

friends don’t usually compare themselves like you are comparing yourself to your sister. It’s unhealthy.

Dozer · 28/10/2017 21:07

A friend I later found out had an eating disorder would go on about her “big bum” when I was much larger. She couldn’t see it was rude because of her body dysmorphia. If your sister is so down on herself perhaps she doesn’t see that she’s being rude to criticise your shared features.

TatianaLarina · 28/10/2017 21:08

My sis and I are really tall. If she said she had issues with being tall - she’d like to be petite for example - I’d just think that was her issue, not a criticism of me.

That crux is your insecurity and relating her comments to you.

She has no idea you’re doing that, she’s just airing her insecurities.

Original poster
Christmastree43 · 28/10/2017 21:08

I don’t think it’s comparison, rather shared insecurities and a close, perhaps slightly dysfunctional sororal relationship. That’s what I would like advice on dealing with i suppose.

Thank you for all of your comments and advice so far, I really appreciate it

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 28/10/2017 21:10

To take your precise example - if you both had a big nose and one day she said it was making her so unhappy she was considering surgery - that’s all about her feelings about, nothing to do with you at all.

It’s quite narcissistic to make it about you.

Original poster
Christmastree43 · 28/10/2017 21:18

I would say that I have always listened and responded sympathetically to her comments like this - I would never ever let on that it upsets me as I am very ashamed of feeling this way.

For example the double chin picture - I said she looked absolutely fine, it was a lovely picture! And when pressed, said maybe she’d been caught off guard laughing as it was a candid picture which we’re not used to these days, but that she looked lovely in it and that all i noticed was her lovely hair and Her and her friend’s big smiles. Then sent her a candid pic of me someone had recently taken where I also looked less than perfect to cheer her up!

OP posts:
Original poster
Christmastree43 · 28/10/2017 21:21

What I’m trying to say Tatiana is that I very much understand and consider how she feels about her e.g. double chin as I feel the exact same way! I suppose I then can’t understand why she would want to criticise to me a feature that we share, knowing how much it upsets her in herself.

OP posts:
WonderLime · 28/10/2017 21:26

I then can’t understand why she would want to criticise to me a feature that we share, knowing how much it upsets her in herself.

Because, as several pps have said, she isn’t thinking about how you feel. She feels insecure and is sharing her feelings with you.

WonderLime · 28/10/2017 21:28

Essentially all of your posts are completely about you and your own securities, and you need a way to deal with them.

None of this is actually about your sister at all.

Dozer · 28/10/2017 21:28

As PPs suggest you could try not to engage with her in discussion about ANYONE’S looks, especially hers. Eg a PP outlines how you could have responded to her upset over the unflattering photo - compare this with how you actually responded.

Dozer · 28/10/2017 21:29

A friend who had this dynamic with her sister had therapy, for other reasons, and spent time working on her issues with her sister, which she said helped her but didn’t resolve all the problems.

TatianaLarina · 28/10/2017 21:31

Well, because she’s your sister. And she may have no idea that your double chin upsets you as much as it does her. And even if it did, why does that mean she can’t share her feelings with you?

Anyway you both going to sit on the phone crying about your chins?

In the nicest possible way , I do think you both need to get a grip. Double chins are first world problems.

Original poster
Christmastree43 · 28/10/2017 21:37

I do know that this is my problem! I’m not sure where I was unclear about that? Just would like some advice on how to stop it getting to me I suppose. I have had some good advice, mostly on the first page or so and am grateful for your time all, thank you

OP posts:
ferando81 · 28/10/2017 21:54

You make your sister sound shallow and stupid.Maybe she is but there is also a great deal of snobbery attached to intelligence.I know some intelligent people who look down their nose at the less gifted.Both beauty and intelligence are a gift ,the difference is beauty doesn't tend to last long.
Why not chat to her ?She might think you look down your nose at her

TatianaLarina · 28/10/2017 21:56

I think you need to work on your anxiety and self confidence and drop all this fixation on appearance.

It would be perfectly reasonable to ask your sister not to talk to you about her insecurities to you, in order to help you break free of this mindset.

AufderAutobahn · 28/10/2017 21:59

Is it possible she has body dysmorphic disorder? I had this for a long while. It sounds as if she is so fixated on her appearance that she is focusing on that alone, and is unable to think clearly about the impact of her self critical comments on you or others. I wondered if her comments about others, including yourself, could be more to do with envy and insecurity than her actually thinking herself superior to you?

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