Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ghosted! How do I get my stuff back?

75 replies

Superspooky · 28/10/2017 16:41

Hello,

It appears I've been ghosted after a happy 4 year LDR (mostly LD). I have some property at his that I'd like back.

I was hoping for some advice on how to get my stuff back when exDP won't engage at all.

I've emailed and texted suggesting some dates for me to collect and had radio silence.

His phone is ringing so I assume he is alive and well at least! he seems not to be answering withheld numbers.
Probably in case it's me which is really bloody sad and annoying. I've been very polite in my correspondence and haven't messaged or called excessively.

I have a key but understand that it may amount to trespass or leave me open to breach of the peace accusations if I just let myself in. I can't afford any trouble due to my job so really want to avoid entering his flat without consent. I don't think he would kick off but this whole episode is so out of character. The character I thought I knew anyway.

We don't really have truly mutual friends, rather we are friendly with each other's mates and I don't want to involve his family.

I was thinking of contacting one friend of his who lives near him and I have always got on well with to try and get confirmation of when I can collect my stuff but I don't have his email / phone details and never added him on Facebook (don't use it much). If I send him a fb message is it likely to go into the 'other' folder and never be read? is there a way of ensuring that doesn't happen? Obviously it'd be pretty embarrassing using a go between but better than being arrested.

His flat is about 4 hours away so a bit too far and expensive just to go and knock on without confirming he'll let me in or doesn't mind me letting myself in.

If be really grateful if anyone has any other suggestions!

OP posts:
inthenameotheweeman · 28/10/2017 17:17

I agree about messaging a time and date. Give him a choice of two: one when you think he’s likely to be around, one when he won’t. If he doesn’t reply, just pick one and tell him that’s the one. You have a key, after all. I don’t see how that could be trespassing, especially if he is completely avoiding you, and hasn’t even asked for the key back?

Unless there’s some backstory, he’s an absolute weirdo.

BaDumShh · 28/10/2017 17:18

superspooky so he is just a cunt then. Cheating was the only justification I could think of for him acting like that!

millifiori · 28/10/2017 17:19

Can you not send him a letter saying you will be tyurning up at X time to collect your things, you don't want to intrude but have to set a date as he hasn't replied to your previous messages. And please would he get in contact with you if it's not convenient.

How would it be trespass to let yourself in with your own key and remove only your own items from his place? Is that really illegal?

Original poster
Superspooky · 28/10/2017 17:22

Dumbledore has a point, he may have changed the lock. I'd be a bit surprised as he has no reason to believe I'd cause him any trouble but it's another thing to consider.

When you messaged a non -friend did they just received the message as normal?

Lala I guess it's not completely impossible something bad has happened but he's managing to keep his phone charged and I'd have thought that if that was the case someone would've notified me (ie if he was ill and not avoiding me).

OP posts:
FanSpamTastic · 28/10/2017 17:22

I would send a letter recorded delivery and signed for first. That would only cost a few pounds. In the letter say you would like to get your stuff back and detail what you expect to pick up and offer to either collect at a mutually convenient date or to pay for it to be collected by courier. If he continues to ignore you then he is depriving you of your stuff which is theft and you can ask the police to get involved. A friend had this when a landlady refused to let her in to collect stuff. The police went with her to ensure the landlady allowed her in and to confirm that friend was happy that all her things were returned.

Shadow666 · 28/10/2017 17:22

Do you really think the police will do anything if you go and let yourself in and take your stuff back? I doubt they'd give a damn. I would just go at a time you know he's out and just take it. If you let him know in advance, he might change the locks or bin everything. As long as you don't go in and trash the place or take his stuff it'll be fine.

Emmageddon · 28/10/2017 17:24

Are you sure he's ghosting you, and not been struck down with an incapacitating illness?

If he is fit and healthy and merely behaving like a cunt, then I would firstly contact a friend of his and ask him/her to ask as a mediator. If that didn't work, I'd ask for legal advice, maybe from CAB, about how to get my property back.

Flowers
Jux · 28/10/2017 17:37

I would send a letter telling him that if he continues to withhold your possessions you will assume that his intention is theftof them and you will take it further. Give him a week to return them and that if this has not been done by that date then you will inform the police.

Recorded delivery. If it has to e signed for he may refuse to accept it - I don’t know what happens if he does that.

Original poster
Superspooky · 28/10/2017 17:44

Ah I think we've all done that Meow, if it's someone genuinely creepy or dodgy, I wouldn't count that as ghosting, just self preservation!

OP posts:
Roussette · 28/10/2017 17:56

How horrible for you Flowers

If you know his work address I would send a signature-required recorded or registered letter there addressed to him stating that you will be calling on such and such a day (up to you if you want him to be there, I suggest he should be, in case he's changed the locks) to collect your possessions and that you will take further action if he ignores this.

Some people can be really horrible and I hope you can work through this OK.

Original poster
Superspooky · 28/10/2017 18:00

Thanks everyone for all the support and practical advice. I'm.glad your friend got her stuff back FanSpam.

I think it's helping the minute to work on the assumption that I probably won't get an explanation for his behaviour but it is something I'd like to hear.

A signed for letter is a good idea, with. Response deadline then try the friend after that.

OP posts:
lackingimagination · 28/10/2017 18:05

It sounds like you're making this a lot harder than it needs to be.

Dumbledoresgirl · 28/10/2017 18:06

I don't know for sure what the non friend saw when I messaged them on facebook, but they messaged me right back and we carried on a conversation all evening. From my side of things, it looked and worked just like any other conversation I might have with a Facebook friend.

Good luck with it, anyway.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 28/10/2017 18:07

Could you not ask local PcSO to go with you to the house if you don’t hear back?

Original poster
Superspooky · 28/10/2017 18:12

It feels much harder than it needs to be, LackingImagination.

The distance and the fact that I have had no response granting me access to my stuff have really complicated what should be a fairly straightforward part of any breakup (obviously unless there is abuse).

OP posts:
Original poster
Superspooky · 28/10/2017 18:16

I spoke to the local police to check what they thought my position would be and they offered to send an officer round (might be a pcso) with me. I think I would still need permission to go in the house tho, that would be more for if there was a risk of confrontation.

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 28/10/2017 18:19

Do you know where he works and if so could you call him there? Otherwise just turn up. You've got a key, you've not been officially dumped so what can he say? I doubt he'd go to the police and if so you can just say you wanted to get your stuff back and return the key. Take a witness with you. I hope there's a good explanation for this otherwise it's an incredible way to behave with someone you've been seeing for 4 years!

OfficerGrant · 28/10/2017 18:22

I agree with expat. But do bring a friend

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 28/10/2017 18:31

Send the letter, give him a time and date, and take the Police up, on their offer. 🌸

Roussette · 28/10/2017 18:41

I think it is complicated! If i was in this position with 400 mile journey to do and no guarantee I could get in, I would be concerned so I don't blae the OP for making sure

ByronsMummy · 28/10/2017 18:55

Hi,
Small Claims Court for the items of value perhaps. It might just be the kick up the bum he needs to reclaim the other stuff.
x

ProfessorCat · 28/10/2017 19:02

I'm not sure why someone would assume that a long term partner had ended their relationship if they didn't respond to calls or texts. I'd be frantic with worry.

If it were me, I'd text saying how very worried you are, and if you don't hear from him within the next hour you'll be contacting the police to ensure his safety. It might scare him into responding if he is deliberately ignoring. Which seems very odd.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/10/2017 19:50

Could you threaten him, politely?

'Hi X. I know that you're aware I've been trying to contact you for a while. It's clear that you don't want to communicate with me, which is fine. However the reason I've been trying to contact you is in order to get back my belongings which are stored at your flat. Please could you communicate so that we can agree a mutual time for me to retrieve my possessions. If I don't hear from you, I guess my next step will be to contact your family and/or friends and send a solicitor's letter to formalise the process of retrieving the goods. I've also been advised by the police that they are willing to accompany me to your home. I would much rather sort this out with you simply than take either of those steps! If you could contact me, I would appreciate it.'

Note this is vague about the police involvment, and with a nice dose of potential embarrassment at the thought of you sending a sol letter via his mum.

Might put a rocket up him.

What a twat!

Original poster
Superspooky · 28/10/2017 20:24

That letter is spot on thanks Fizzy! I think I'll give him a few more days psych myself up and send something along those lines. I'm not sure whether in the end the monetary value of the property will justify solicitors' involvement so I'll have a good think about mentioning anything to do with that but certainly the rest is great.

Well, my reasoning for not assuming he is ill or injured is that I've tried calling recently and his phone has rung which he would need to be keeping it charged for it to do. If he's able to plug his phone in, he is able to send me a quick text message. If it was an emergency, his family could've contacted me, they're his next of kin at work etc.

OP posts:
Cloudyapples · 28/10/2017 22:01

I’d mention solicitors letter whether you intend to get one or not. Just the threat of legal action might be enough to spark him into action. Do you not whatsapp or Facebook message him op? So you can see if he’s reading your messages when you try to contact him?