Ghosted! How do I get my stuff back?

[Superspooky]

Hello,

It appears I've been ghosted after a happy 4 year LDR (mostly LD). I have some property at his that I'd like back.

I was hoping for some advice on how to get my stuff back when exDP won't engage at all.

I've emailed and texted suggesting some dates for me to collect and had radio silence.

His phone is ringing so I assume he is alive and well at least! he seems not to be answering withheld numbers.
Probably in case it's me which is really bloody sad and annoying. I've been very polite in my correspondence and haven't messaged or called excessively.

I have a key but understand that it may amount to trespass or leave me open to breach of the peace accusations if I just let myself in. I can't afford any trouble due to my job so really want to avoid entering his flat without consent. I don't think he would kick off but this whole episode is so out of character. The character I thought I knew anyway.

We don't really have truly mutual friends, rather we are friendly with each other's mates and I don't want to involve his family.

I was thinking of contacting one friend of his who lives near him and I have always got on well with to try and get confirmation of when I can collect my stuff but I don't have his email / phone details and never added him on Facebook (don't use it much). If I send him a fb message is it likely to go into the 'other' folder and never be read? is there a way of ensuring that doesn't happen? Obviously it'd be pretty embarrassing using a go between but better than being arrested.

His flat is about 4 hours away so a bit too far and expensive just to go and knock on without confirming he'll let me in or doesn't mind me letting myself in.

If be really grateful if anyone has any other suggestions!

[Sancerresanwine]

What a remarkable shitbag. Jaw droppingly bad behaviour. So sorry

[DontDrinkDontSmoke]

What a total skidmark he is.

[UnicornSparkles1]

What a heartless bastard. I hope you get your stuff back soon.

[Tilikum]

You don't need to find someone new straight away. Your ex is a complete coward without even the most basic manners. Most people wouldn't even be that ignorant to a stranger, never mind someone who'd shared their life for years. You're so much better off without him.

Try to be kind to yourself and give yourself time to get over it.

[NoFucksImAQueen]

God what a bastard. Hope you get your stuff back op

[Superspooky]

Letter sent and signed for but not acknowledged. soon I'll try and get in touch with the friend I think.

Feeling low as it's only just really hit me (quick off the mark, that's me!) that he's gone and what we had is over no idea how to start again or find someone new.

[ThinkOfAWittyNameLater]

Shameless place marking.
I hope you’re okay OP and have resolved it one way or the other

[BaDumShh]

OP did you get your stuff back?

[Superspooky]

But I'd definitely stay away from b&q's paint aisle just in case!

[Superspooky]

Kung-fu thanks,that is something to bear in mind as it all feels so unprecedented. I'm not planning to call or text again and tbh didn't do it that many times anyway. It soon became apparent that he wasn't answering on purpose and I won't be trying to catch him out again using other phones. I'll word my next correspondence carefully.

I can only say that if my stuff has been binned or destroyed I will be gutted. I've no idea what recourse I'd have if any but it would be a hateful thing for him to have done. He knows that some items are important to me and I trusted him to store them. Hopefully it won't come to that.

[NurseButtercup]

I haven't read the entire thread, but, what if you get there and he's bagged your stuff up and binned it ;-/

Now I consider myself to be a calm, rational & reasonable women, however if he did that, after ignoring my texts, I suspect I'd find my rage and the red mist would push me into doing something very silly with lot's of gloss paint.

[KungFuPandaWorksOut16]

I'd just becareful sending some of the following messages you've been advised.
You mention solicitors or police turning up with you he could very easily go to the station and claim harrassment/stalking.

You've admitted calling/texting and using your friends phone for contacting him. Please be very careful he doesn't flip this on you.

[Superspooky]

Shadow that's awful hope he was well and truly out of the picture after that.

Ha douche canoe made me laugh!!

[expatinscotland]

Really hope you get your stuff back! He's a real douche canoe.

[tribpot]

I would contact the friend and see what happens after that. Assuming nothing, I think I would write to confirm you intend to visit on [x] date at [y] time to retrieve your possessions and leave your key. If he wishes to make other arrangements he should contact your friend [ABC]. Using a friend as a go-between reduces the chances of him not phoning because he doesn't want to deal with you. At this point I think you're a bit past all that and just want your stuff back. But he may be expecting a shouting match if he calls you (which he would fully deserve, incidentally).

Then attend with the PCSO. If you can't get in, I appreciate you've had a four hour journey for nothing (8 including the return) but at least you'll know where you stand. Take a friend with you for moral support.

[Gemini69]

he's a DICK lady....

[Shadow666]

If he’s the type of person who’d ghost you after 4 years, then there’s a very really possibility he has destroyed your stuff. I think going round with the police is safest. I’m not convinced you’d get compensation legally if you don’t get it back. A friends Ex took a sledgehammer to all her and the kids stuff.

[Tilikum]

What a cowardly arsehole. Who ghosts someone after 4 years?!

Agree with the recorded post letter suggestion and then taking a PCSO with you to collect. Would your ex not be completely embarrassed that you're having to go to these lengths? A normal person would be cringing at this fuss.

Once you have all your stuff back you should thank your lucky stars you are rid of him.

[Whisky2014]

Contact the friend on fb. They should get the message no problem

[Superspooky]

The cost of a £50 letter would be justified several times over if that's where this ended, but if that is ignored then I'm thinking that court proceedings or further legal involvement could run to a lot more (don't know how much more!)

One point is that I have no proof of purchase for the majority of the items and it is based on sentimental value mostly rather than monetary.

I have weighed this up and do want to make the effort to get my stuff back but if I say I am.going to go down the legal route and don't follow through, could that leave me in a weaker position if I do let myself in and it does lead to trouble?

[MyKingdomForBrie]

The point is sentimental value and it’s her stuff! Why wouldn’t she collect it?! She is clearly calm and rational so the situation isn’t causing undue distress.

[Whisky2014]

I would cut your losses and move on. You say the monetary value may not be worth the letter (£50?) So what's the point?

[Superspooky]

Morning all, well I was a bit worried after all the comments about exDP being possibly in danger and having watched the film dreams of a life so I checked our shared TV account and I can confirm he's alive and conscious as he's been watching crap telly up until yesterday.

I did try calling from 2 friends' numbers previously (which he wouldn't recognise) but it went straight to voicemail so he must've been on the phone /metro/ battery dead. It has rung since. There don't seem to be any working phone boxes around these days whatsoever!!

No, he doesn't use WhatsApp and seems to have deleted me off Facebook.

Enceladus, you're not wrong, he hasn't told me not to go in or even officially finished with me so I don't think rationally that I'd get in too much trouble. Just need to be a bit careful hence will prob take the letter then contacting friend approach (if I.continue to hear nothing). I think if I get no reply from either of these I'll have no choice but to let myself in but at least he will have had notice.

[enceladus]

I don't know OP but you were given a key, you were allowed access to the property, there are probably some girls on here more legally aware than I am, but if it were me and my key, I'd head right on in and take my stuff (when I know he has left for work :)). You haven't been told otherwise, he could be incapacitated in there for all you know, hence you're reason for entry. As forumdonkey suggested, take a friend (a witness) and video without pausing and drop the key to a neighbour afterwards and then ghost him forever. Don't take anything contentious though, just what is unequivocally yours. I would never wait and wonder whilst somebody withholds my stuff and has said yes or no to my gifted right of access. What a prick.

[altiara]

Could you phone him from a different number if you think he’s deliberately ignoring yours?