Hi, I am a bloke gatecrashing mumsnet to see if my reactions are normal (or controlling, as my wife puts it) or maybe somewhere in between?
My wife had a nine month affair coming up to 3 years ago. It was all conducted in our house, in our bedroom, which has made it bloody hard to bear. She has had mental health issues for the past ten years, up and down in a roughly 3 year cycle, although never actually diagnosed as bi-polar. Personality disorder has been mentioned but never diagnosed. Anti-depressants have never made any real difference and I actually think at times made things worse. I could go into pages and pages of stuff that has happened over the years but will try to keep on subject. She hasn't worked since 2003.
After the affair came to light, she had a breakdown and within 4 months had been sectioned. Social services wanted her out of the house after coming out of hospital so she lived with her parents for a while and I looked after our two girls with the help of a nanny and work were very understanding. We had other nannies perviously in the other 'down' cycles, it has been the only way to hold onto my job and career over the past ten years.
There is acres of detail I could go into, and I can see now that my post has turned into a much broader post than the subject title, but getting back on point the thing that is bugging me right now is whether or not she is having another affair. The latest obsession (last 12 months) has been going to the gym every day, she is usually there at least 3-4 hours a day. SHe went to a spin class at 10am this morning and 4 hours later is still not back. She is currently on a 'high' phase, very confident. She has told me during an argument that she "is not short of offers".
Clealry I'm still sensitive about the affair, I don't think I had any time to process it properly as at the time I was in survival mode, keeping things afloat at work and at home. I know as I'm writing this I probably sound like a complete mug and that I should grow some balls not start posting on mumsnet, and have almost filed for divorce twice. The biggest thing holding me back I think is how the hell I would deal with looking after the girls permanantly as given her history I would want (and have been advised that I would get) the majority of custody. Not to mention I have been told by a solicitor that she would get more than half of our assets, which would be about £1M all up. People have said dont worry about the money just think about your happiness but I have slogged my guts out for 20 years and it really doesn't feel fair that she would get more than half. Also, I am worried about the girls relying on her if custody was split more evenly as she can be very self-obsessed, not cooking decent meals etc, not making dinner until 9pm on a school night etc.
Anyway, going back to the subject header, this is my question: if you had had an affair and then your husband, 3 years down the line, wanted to be able to look at your text messages now and again, would you see that as ok, or as "controlling". If I so much as go near her phone, she snatches it away. A year ago she wasnt bothered at all. Something has changed, or is she just being unreasonable.
Put more simply.......do other 'normal' married couples keep their mobile password secret from their other halves? (I don't). Opinions?
Thanks for reading, I know this turned out to be a bit of a rambling post....but quite therapeutic and a lot cheaper than a therapist...