Thanks to everyone for their replies - much appreciated.
Quite understandably a lot of people have asked me what is motivating me to stay? What am I getting from this marriage? The short answer is not much at all, apart from someone who takes the girls to school and back once a day whilst I’m at work. If DW is ill again, which I expect to happen (based on past experience over the last 10 years) mid next year, I wouldn’t get this either and I would be back to being a carer again, as well as looking after everything else domestically and at work. This has happened 3 times in the last ten years, and it lasts about a year each time. I’m not sure I could go through it again, I have half joked to a few friends that it could kill me next time, and I’m now getting to an age when I can actually see that happening, I’m actually deadly serious.
DW has been sleeping in the spare room for 4 months (her choice). This is because I complained about her repeatedly staying up until 1am on Facebook and waking me up coming to bed. She needs very little sleep currently.
I do sometimes think that she is just taking advantage of me, as some posters have highlighted, but when she is down (she’s currently up) she is DOWN....no self confidence, in bed all day, and so on. It’s only just over a year ago she was convinced that she had dementia, dyspraxia and aspergers (all at the same time). She has made so many suicide threats over the years that I don’t take it seriously anymore. At the moment though she knows better than anyone else, is very, very confident in herself and her opinions.
The mental health community team has been hopeless, they are under resourced, and as someone said before, if they have not diagnosed anything specific after ten years of being in and out of acute psychiatric wards (including one private one, which was way worse than the NHS ones) I don’t expect they will. I’m 100% resigned to the fact that my wife is who she is, and will never make any kind of miracle recovery. I think she will cycle up and down every three years for the rest of her life.
So this is why she would get more than half of the assets, her solicitor would use the mental health issues (especially if mine was using them to ensure that the girls live with me). Apparently the logic is that my salary is enough for me to pay for everything I’d need to anyway, even if DW gets the majority of existing assets. I make over £200k/year so maybe this is true. But I’m not confident about carrying on in that level of job as a single parent (although I HAVE done it before, when I’ve just had to, when she’s been ill). It’s just harder to make a conscious decision to be a single parent than it is to deal with it because you’re presented with a situation that gives you no choice as I have been thus far. I remember how hard it was, although there’s nothing on the domestic front that I can’t do, I’ve coped before so logically I could do it again.
I know what I need to do, logically it’s obvious. Two therapists have also told me this, at the first meeting I had with them.
I do care so very much about my girls - I think they are strong but I do not know what the long term damage could be, I shudder to think. They don’t have any obvious issues - they are well adjusted, happy in their school lives and friendships and I think have coped by becoming somewhat detached from their mum. The dynamic in our house absolutely feels like 3 + 1, rather than a family of 4, if you see what I mean.
I will create a separate post on a more relevant topic thread, and see if there is any legal advice out there to qualify the finance aspects a bit more. I have also instructed a solicitor to do this, earlier this week, so they can give me better guidance than “she’ll get more than half”.
Regards the phone, you are all dead right, this is almost inconsequential and in hindsight was a bit of a silly post compared to the rest of the iceberg that is lying underneath it. Bottom line is that I don’t trust her anymore, and am just worn out. I think that is part of the issue, that I barely have the energy to get through a divorce process. But do I want to be in the same place in 5 years - no. Do I want my children to think this is normal - no (and I’ve already told them it’s not, they are both old enough to understand what is going on).
Thanks - this has been helpful. I’ve been round this enough to know that only I can make my own decisions but I do sincerely value the input.
I need to let the loss of financial security wash over me and focus on the positives of being able to build something new and better.