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Original poster

So confused. Sex with another man, with husband's permission.

37 replies

GrommitsEarsHurt · 27/10/2017 17:00

I'm 41, have been with DH for 14 years and married for 12. We have a 7 year old DD.

For the past few years, I have felt that there was something wrong in our marriage. I didn't feel in love any more, and sex was very rare, maybe four times a year. DH reassured me that he still fancied me, but seldom instigated sex, and had problems ejaculating due to medication he is taking. However, I no longer felt attracted to him.

Largely, this is due to clashes in who we are as people. I have always found him rather placid and lacking in motivation. I always took the lead in planning our lives socially, whilst he was happy to go along with "whatever". I then became unwell with a long term health condition, and was unable to do the planning to the same degree. As a result, we have had no fun for a very long time.

DH became depressed looking after our DD and me, and working too, and was very, very tired which didn't help. Things had felt wrong, though, for a long time before I became unwell. There always seemed to be something missing, but because DH is such a lovely, kind man, I pushed it to one side.

Over the summer I started to realise that I really need more sex, and found sex with my DH to lack passion. We had to admit to ourselves that we have very different sexual tastes, and that we couldn't meet each other's sexual needs. We agreed that we could have sex outside of our marriage, in order to meet those needs.

I have been seeing a friend for sex about once a month. My DH has said he doesn't want sex with anyone else yet. I now think I have fallen for my friend. I'm pretty sure he doesn't feel the same way. I know that my friend is not suitable long term relationship material, and that my feelings are more of an indication about what is missing from my marriage mixed with excitement and newness etc. But I feel like if I am having those feelings, I shouldn't be married anymore.

Yet my husband is a wonderful man who loves me. And I love him, but not how a wife should. Should I leave my husband and also end things with my friend, or should I fight for my marriage?. I want to do what is right for my DD, and feel awful that I could begin to tear her world apart, by ending my marriage, for a non-specific reason. DH isn't abusive, he is lovely. What do I do?

OP posts:
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 27/10/2017 17:12

I think it's evident that your marriage is over. Make a clean break and move on.

MyKingdomForBrie · 27/10/2017 17:14

Yep, it’s over. Move on.

Original poster
GrommitsEarsHurt · 27/10/2017 17:18

I agree that it's over, I am worried about the impact that separating will have on my DD. Do we stay married as friends for her sake? I feel so bad to break up her world for such petty sounding reasons.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 27/10/2017 17:19

You really should have nurtured your marriage when you had the chance but it seems you have passed the point of no return.

Any relationship is fun, exciting and lustful in the beginning and they will all go stale after twelve years with no effort

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 27/10/2017 17:19

No it's more confusing for your dd to have parents in a sham marriage. Divorce is never ideal but kids are resilient and cope, especially if you keep things amicable. Don't let this charade drag on.

Original poster
GrommitsEarsHurt · 27/10/2017 17:21

Who said we hadn't made an effort for 12 years, Quite?

I made absolutely loads of effort when I first felt things were going wrong. We went to counselling, but it made little difference. My DH is brilliant at talking the talk. But when it comes down to changing his behaviour, he just will not do that long term.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 27/10/2017 17:23

I think he’s set you up as he’s unhappy. You’ve committed adultery & walks away guilt free

Original poster
GrommitsEarsHurt · 27/10/2017 17:24

Far - I do think that if we end it now, we can co-parent well. I really like my DH, and feel so sad (and tearful) that our marriage has gone down the tubes. But I don't want to leave it until we can't stand each other, and then can't co-parent effectively. At the moment, I would be quite happy even us all sharing a bigger house so that we can coparent together under one roof. Is that a recipe for disaster?

OP posts:
RedForFilth · 27/10/2017 17:24

You won't be "tearing her world apart". The sooner people realise that on the whole kids are resilient, adapt quickly and just want time with both parents and for them to be happy, the better. Loads of kids come from a variety of family set ups. A split won't ruin their lives. Sure, it will change it but life is change isn't it.

I'd end both relationships. Open relationships only work with certain boundaries in certain relationships.

StaplesCorner · 27/10/2017 17:24

It doesn't matter if you tried to save your marriage until your ears bled, if you are at the point of having sex with other people its definitely over now. Please separate and live apart as friends; not share a house where you are smuggling other people in past your DD for a quickie.

Original poster
GrommitsEarsHurt · 27/10/2017 17:25

Oh hell, TheNaze, I didn't think of that!

OP posts:
Original poster
GrommitsEarsHurt · 27/10/2017 17:27

The guy I'm sleeping with says that he wants the best for my DD, and if that means we stop seeing each other and maintain my marriage, then so be it. Which is confusing as I kind of agree with you all that my marriage is over.

OP posts:
honeyroar · 27/10/2017 17:28

Your daughter won't be stupid. She'll see that her parents don't love each other or have the same marriage as her friend's parents. She might even work out her mum goes off to see another man. She may grow up thinking that's normal.

A clean break is best. After the initial upset she can have a good relationship with both parents, who can also have a chance of a better future themselves. Staying just drags everything on for years.

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 27/10/2017 17:28

It really doesn't matter what he thinks. You need a clean break, time to heal and space away from dating and relationships.

Tiddlywinks63 · 27/10/2017 17:30

Just as TheNaze says, he can now be the wronged party and you could be painted as causing the breakup ☹️
Either way the marriage is over, isn't it?

category12 · 27/10/2017 17:33

The guy you're seeing is probably terrified you'll be expecting more from him, I wouldn't take much notice of what he says.

It's better to make a clean break, for everyone.

Original poster
GrommitsEarsHurt · 27/10/2017 17:37

Honeyroar - that is something that bothers me the most: that my daughter will grow up without seeing what a relationship looks like where both parties respect, fancy and adore each other. She deserves to know what that looks like.

My DD has no idea at all about the other man. Absolutely none. Of that, I am sure. But the situation is untenable.

Far and Tiddly, you are both absolutely right. Weirdly, unless my DH wants to, I have no desire to divorce. Mostly because I still want the legal protections for each other and my daughter. I still want my DH to get everything should I die, and for him to make any NOK decisions, because I know that he will always act in a way that is right for my daughter. And I know he feels the same as we discussed it in the past. So, unless he has changed his mind, I really don't want us to divorce unless we either want to re-marry, or my DD reaches 18.

OP posts:
kinkajoukid · 27/10/2017 17:44

Make a break before any animosity sets in and then forge ahead with co-parenting really well as friends.

As the child of divorced parents, I say anything is better than arguing and dysfunction, and seeing the two of you being able to get on and like each other will be more than enough.

Original poster
GrommitsEarsHurt · 27/10/2017 17:49

Kinka - thank you, that is exactly what I would love to happen. Us to be friends and really good parents.

I just don't know if what I have done and how I have felt is a blip that we can overcome?

OP posts:
kinkajoukid · 27/10/2017 17:49

X post. If you really don't want to divorce, then you have to 'fake it' really well or your daughter isn't going to see a happy healthy relationship at all. And somehow you have to keep resentment form building up.. sounds tricky to me.

I am sure you could get legal protection after a divorce, but perhaps you are worried that he will find someone new and you/ your DD will lose out to his new family?

Maybe you just need to stop seeing the friend for sex and give it a month or so to see how you feel? But it sounds like you have done that a few times already

kinkajoukid · 27/10/2017 17:57

I think the key to staying friends is not to prolong anything that causes pain and to keep talking to each other as honestly as possible.

Its not easy, but it does seem to me like its time for you to move on, but you need time to be prepare for the life after marriage phase

Original poster
GrommitsEarsHurt · 27/10/2017 19:00

I think preparing for life after marriage is where I'm at now. By not divorcing, I meant separating, living apart, but just not doing the legal stuff.

I would love DH to meet someone else, who will love him how he should be loved. Yet I love him too, and the idea of him not being mine makes me feel sad.

I also, being honest, don't want to stop meeting my friend for sex. It's mindblowing. We talk online for hours every day, have done for months. That's what is so confusing. My friend now knows me and DH are separating and has just made it abundantly clear that he wants me, and knows me and DD are a package, and is happy to take it really slowly.

OP posts:
RavingRoo · 27/10/2017 19:08

I agree with others. Your marriage is over. You need to leave before the resentment sinks in. It’s not fair on anyone.

AnyFucker · 27/10/2017 19:15

Didn't you say your friend was not "relationship material" ?

Booagain · 27/10/2017 19:20

My parents have been friends rather than ‘together’ for as long as I remember. Although they perhaps should have divorced, they were always content and got on very well as friends and I’ve not been scarred by this - If anything it’s shown me that Hollywood endings are just that and that no marriage is ever perfect. There’s compromise and one size doesn’t fit all. I am also in a happy marriage so it hasn’t skewed my perception on what marriage should be.
They respect and love each other but the spark faded, sounds like what you’re describing. they decided to stay together. I think this was because of my sister and I but because there was no animosity, I doubt we would have been affected as badly as if they’d split. (That said, I haven’t experienced that so can’t say for certain)
I feel this is a jumble of sentences but hope you catch my drift. It’s been a LOOONG week.