So confused. Sex with another man, with husband's permission.

[GrommitsEarsHurt]

I'm 41, have been with DH for 14 years and married for 12. We have a 7 year old DD.

For the past few years, I have felt that there was something wrong in our marriage. I didn't feel in love any more, and sex was very rare, maybe four times a year. DH reassured me that he still fancied me, but seldom instigated sex, and had problems ejaculating due to medication he is taking. However, I no longer felt attracted to him.

Largely, this is due to clashes in who we are as people. I have always found him rather placid and lacking in motivation. I always took the lead in planning our lives socially, whilst he was happy to go along with "whatever". I then became unwell with a long term health condition, and was unable to do the planning to the same degree. As a result, we have had no fun for a very long time.

DH became depressed looking after our DD and me, and working too, and was very, very tired which didn't help. Things had felt wrong, though, for a long time before I became unwell. There always seemed to be something missing, but because DH is such a lovely, kind man, I pushed it to one side.

Over the summer I started to realise that I really need more sex, and found sex with my DH to lack passion. We had to admit to ourselves that we have very different sexual tastes, and that we couldn't meet each other's sexual needs. We agreed that we could have sex outside of our marriage, in order to meet those needs.

I have been seeing a friend for sex about once a month. My DH has said he doesn't want sex with anyone else yet. I now think I have fallen for my friend. I'm pretty sure he doesn't feel the same way. I know that my friend is not suitable long term relationship material, and that my feelings are more of an indication about what is missing from my marriage mixed with excitement and newness etc. But I feel like if I am having those feelings, I shouldn't be married anymore.

Yet my husband is a wonderful man who loves me. And I love him, but not how a wife should. Should I leave my husband and also end things with my friend, or should I fight for my marriage?. I want to do what is right for my DD, and feel awful that I could begin to tear her world apart, by ending my marriage, for a non-specific reason. DH isn't abusive, he is lovely. What do I do?

Put you DD first as you negotiate these rapids. Remember you need to get her to the other side safely because if she does not then you will not find happiness.

If that means taking a break from new man - unconditionally - then so be it.

Have you tried really talking about this? Maybe quality time alone and date nights to remember how you used to be with each other? However if you feel it is really over then it’s entirely possible to remain friends and coparent well, me and my ex managed it and your DD will be fine

Yes Anyfucker, I did say that my friend isn't relationship material. And I didn't think he felt like he wanted a relationship at all. I am surprised at him offering what he has, to be honest. But that's the last of my concerns now.

My concerns are my DD and DH. I don't know that I can do this to them. DH has just been crying, and I hate the idea of taking his daughter away from him, even for one night. It's awful. It seems wrong that I have called time yet get to stay in our home with my DD, whilst DH moves out and doesn't see DD as much. That's terrible.

It's interesting what you have said Booagain. A big part of me wants us to stay in the same house as friends to coparent, just without the romantic side if things. I honestly think we'd get on better if we had no expectations of each other as partners. And that would be fairest to my DD and DH too.

I know someone has said about sneaking someone else past DD for a quickie, but that isn't mine or DH's priority at the moment. And neither of us would have a quickie with our DD in the house anyway!

Don’t make any decisions now Grommits. there’s a lot of advice to shift through on here. Have you sought any advice on people who know you / both too?
I would just add that I have no idea if my parents have had other partners whilst living under the same roof (nor do I want to) but if sex and intimacy is something you’re craving and your DH can’t give it, really do think about that as you don’t want to regret that later in life and feel unsatified that you didn’t break away.

Thanks Boo. Everyone in real life is torn. They adore my husband but understand that he isn't what I 100% need. It's just so confusing. I didn't realise how much I missed sex and intimacy until I got it elsewhere. It's a major need for me that I just can't be without. And I feel absolutely awful that my DH isn't providing me with it. He doesn't get that I need communication to feel intimate, and he just doesn't talk to me.

I think your last post says it all grommit, sadly. I also couldn’t stay in a marriage without the intimacy.
The thought of splitting is heartbreaking now but you might both be so much happier apart and can retain a really strong relationship and be strong and excellent models for your daughter.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

End your marriage. I know lots of us leave abusive relationships with MN help, but that doesn't mean relationships have to be abusive before you have the 'right' to leave. You can end a relationship for any reason at any time.

Thanks for everyone's input. I have decided to end the marriage. My DH is very sad but acknowledges that things haven't been right for years. He apologised for lack of intimacy and stopping communication with me years ago, but says he has missed it since I stop trying. Well, I have no more try left in me. None. So he will be moving out eventually.

Need to find out what my legal rights are now.

Sad but inevitable when there is no intimacy. Good luck with it all.

Thanks User. I didn't expect to feel so gut wrenchingly selfish about it all, but it needs doing. For DD sake if nothing else.

Good luck. It is the right thing to do. My mum did it 15 years ago when I was early 30s. I was upset at the time, but things were so much better afterwards. Her and my dad have remained good friends, much more so than when together. They go out for lunch occasionally and help each other out. My mum has been v ill lately and my dad has helped so much. It can work out for the better..