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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I want to talk to his Ex...

29 replies

Psychologika · 27/10/2017 12:18

DP and I have been together about a year. We are both going through divorce at the moment, and he still lives in the family home (as recommended by his solicitor).

In terms of the financial settlement, his soon to be ex wife is being seeming unfair and harsh. It’s as if she actually hates him. In terms of history, they split because she had an affair, and continues to do so.

I know I shouldn’t, and I’m sure I won’t, but part of me wants to talk to her. Not about their finances, but I want to understand why she hates him so much. I’ve never had the slightest doubt about DP, but her attitude towards him makes me worry there is something more about their relationship that I don’t know. Obviously I’ve ask him, but he thinks it’s because she just wants the house and a large settlement/ spousal maintenance.

OP posts:

MissConductUS · 27/10/2017 12:35

I don't see how any good could come of it. How would you know what to believe and what not to believe? And she's not going to feel like doing you any favors either. She might lie just because you wound up with him and she feels like winding you up.

MissConductUS · 27/10/2017 12:42

It's not like she's going to say "Oh, I'm just being a greedy bitch and he's fine, and yes, it was all my fault that the marriage ended.". She'll find some way to blame it on him. It's just human nature.

MorrisZapp · 27/10/2017 12:45

My brother has separated from his ex and he absolutely loathes her. She's a nice, ordinary person. He's just furious because his assets are cut in half by separating but them's the breaks. You can't have your cake and eat it.

SandyY2K · 27/10/2017 12:47

Is be angry if my new BF felt the need to speak to my Ex. You need to make your own judgement of him. Just don't rush into things like living together .

Whambarsarentasfizzyastheywere · 27/10/2017 12:50

No good will come of it.

She will slag him off and he will deny it and she gets called the bitter ex.

You still won't be sure if she is a bitter ex or he is a liar, but she also knows that you're having doubts because you talked to her.

They have had a history which has no part in your future.

That said it's all still a bit complicated right now so I would probably have backed right off until divorced and finances were sorted and they were living seperatly if i were in your shoes.

Original poster

Psychologika · 27/10/2017 13:09

You’re all completely right - I know nothing good will come of it, which I why I won’t actually do it. It’s good to hear that other people seem to develop a “hatred” of their ex, even when they’re normal people! I don’t know what I’m anxious about. I guess I like to think I’m a rational and fair person, and assume others are too. So, if she hates him, I worry that there’s a good reason!

OP posts:

MissConductUS · 27/10/2017 13:17

if she hates him, I worry that there’s a good reason!

What she feels may not be, at the root, hate. It may be fear for the future, it may be guilt for being unfaithful, it may be financial stress. She may just be projecting her own bad qualities on him.

It's tempting to think that there's a rational chain of events here, but as soon as all these other issues come into the picture there's no way to untangle the mess.

As far as the financial settlement goes, let the solicitors and the court sort it out. There are objective rules for who is due what. What's going on now is just the bargaining.

flumpybear · 27/10/2017 13:20

She’s never going to say oh yes he’s lovely I just cheated on him because I’m a slut - she’ll tell you poison laced with truth - unless you’re worried about anything you’ve personally seen

Tearsoffrustration · 27/10/2017 13:34

Divorces get messy - people are selfish - did he work & she stayed at home with the kids? Perhaps she resents that?

MorrisZapp · 27/10/2017 13:35

You can't compare your perception of him as his new girlfriend to her perception of him as his ex. That's like us looking at America and wondering how they could have elected Trump.

He's two different people, as we all are to new v. old partners.

MissConductUS · 27/10/2017 13:55

That's like us looking at America and wondering how they could have elected Trump.

It's a bit of a puzzlement to us as well, but the broad outlines are clear, and I can assure you that we Yanks are the same people as we were before the short fingered vulgarian took the oval office.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/10/2017 14:08

Sounds more likely the ex is trying to have her cake and eat it. She's the one who cheated and ruined the marriage and now she wants to gain from it financially. OP's DP is the one with a right to be bitter, not the spiteful ex.

OP, I agree no good will come from it.

I left my ex as he was incredibly abusive. I was scared of him, he behaved appallingly in the marriage and continued to do so through the divorce. The lies he told about me all and sundry were truly breathtaking. He married again very quickly to someone he met 3 months earlier online and according to mutual friends she refuses to attend any group events as she's terrified of the idea of meeting me as I "ruined his life", "broke his heart", "stole all his money" (ha!).

I fled with nowhere to go, he kept the house, I paid for the divorce . I did nothing to him. Never hurt him, told a lie about him, screwed him over. He's still, years down the line, absolutely fucking furious I dared to call time on the shit show and leave him. He's tried to turn everyone against with tales of a mythical affair, a nervous breakdown, various outlandish and unlikely accusations. He hates me and she apparently does too.

I barely ever see him and have never met her as SHE'S the one who's too scared. God only knows what she believes.

If I do ever meet her I'll be polite and I hope he's nicer to her than he was to me. But she wouldn't believe a word I said even if I did ever speak to her. He's so bitter and cruel and bought so much of his own bullshit, she's in his thrall.

Steer well clear. Listen to him and watch how he behaves. Don't rush ito anything. But it's very unfair to assume her hatred for him is for a reason.

Original poster

Psychologika · 27/10/2017 14:18

Yes, he did work (3 jobs at one point) and she stayed at home with the kids. He said that she never wanted to get a job, despite them being desperate at one point (youngest is 14 now)

OP posts:

Hermonie2016 · 27/10/2017 14:21

In terms of the financial settlement, his soon to be ex wife is being seeming unfair and harsh. It’s as if she actually hates him

Why do you think she hates him? How far advanced are proceedings? What is so seemingly unfair?
My stbxh first wife seemed to hate him and I think I now know why!

I am divorcing him, he tells everyone he's offered 50:50 and fair CMS.
Reality is very different.I would not be taking it to court if it was fair.He is not telling people that his legal advice has told him to be more reasonable.

I genuinely hoped it would be amciable but he has acted so aggressively and lied consistently that I cannot trust him.He is still being ultra charming to everyone else and he is like 2 people.I suspect ex wife gets to see the nasty side to him and you the nice guy.

Be cautious, I never previously had experience of such highly manipulative people so no idea stbxh could behave as he did.

Tearsoffrustration · 27/10/2017 15:24

His ‘she never wanted a job’ may be that she had no one to have the kids for her to work - or he expected her to do everything at home plus work - she may feel she was unsupported by him. Years of resentment and now he’s fighting her at every point in the devorce = hate.

Original poster

Psychologika · 27/10/2017 15:39

Well yes, and I guess that’s what I’d like to know

OP posts:

Tearsoffrustration · 27/10/2017 15:42

So his version is he was completely reasonable - her version is that she was completely reasonable - you are never going to know.

Tearsoffrustration · 27/10/2017 15:44

what Is he like with his kidston now?

Tearsoffrustration · 27/10/2017 15:44

*kids

Original poster

Psychologika · 27/10/2017 15:59

He’s great with his kids - they have a fantastic relationship (which is a big positive, of course!)

OP posts:

sizenines · 27/10/2017 15:59

I've been in a similar position to yours and can pass on a few things.

You would only know what really went on in the marriage if you were the H or W.
ExW is not remotely interested in you or what you have to say.

The process of the financial settlement is not usually a friendly chitchat, it is usually unpleasant since both sides want as much as possible.
You would do yourself a big favour by taking a big step back and staying out of all of it, remember DP is still married to someone else and events could take all kinds of turns.

Quartz2208 · 27/10/2017 16:02

What is unfair and harsh. She never wanted a job does seem to be someone who is trying to rewrite history

Kandinsky1 · 27/10/2017 16:18

No sure how to handle the situation. My p ex is horrible women. I've been with my p for 8 years we have a 3 year lb. the problem is my stepson who's now 15 hates me due to all the lies he's been fed from his mum.
He's making my life hell. My p and his family worry as it's GCSE year so won't say anything. His mother has stopped him from seeing my p on lots of occasions. Everyone is scared of her. I feel it's effecting my mental health now. As it was hard enough having a horrible ex in your life. She was controlling and bully. Now with my p son being like it. Not sure what or how to deal with it.

crimsonlake · 27/10/2017 17:58

Personally I do not think it is a good idea to be dating someone who still lives in the same house as his ex. It is hard enough to divorce let alone do so whilst living under the same roof. He has certainly not wasted any time returning to the dating scene and I would be very wary of any man who does this. Separation and divorce is very traumatic for all involved as you are discovering. People need time to recover and heal not dive straight in to other relationships. Better to wait until the divorce is well done and dusted and then some.

expotition · 27/10/2017 20:37

I wouldn't contact her but I would journal / think about why you're tempted to. How does he talk about her? How does he talk about other people who he has had some disagreement with? Other exes? Basically in your position I'd try to understand if my wariness was coming from my general life experience & tendency to identify with a woman, or if anything subtle in what he's saying / doing is leading that way. Also, consider if actually you have unrelated reasons for having reservations about your relationship. Are you looking for permission to back off?

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