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Original poster

Is this normal men's behaviour?

63 replies

Ellona · 26/10/2017 13:55

I'm 28 years old and have been in a relationship for 6years although we split for 6months and have recently got back together.

I found a message saying there is loads of hot girls at his work place and he would do stuff with most of them.

Is this lads banter as they were both talking like this?
Please be thoughtful in your advice as I do love him n other then this we have had no problems since getting back together

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 26/10/2017 15:07

Yes, odd, imho, he would end the relationship rather than face ribbing (not banter then, is it?) from his mates.

whiskyowl · 26/10/2017 15:09

No, it's not normal.

Some weak and pathetic blokes have groups where they behave appallingly then use each other's behaviour as a justification for more awful behaviour.

But there are plenty of blokes who wouldn't dream of speaking about women that way.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 26/10/2017 15:13

Hmm, six years. Are you his "good enough for now" girl?

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 26/10/2017 15:15

Ugh, I would not be okay with that. It's misogynistic and just all-round arsehole behaviour tbh.
Do you honestly feel like he's 'The One' OP? Really?

Oddmanout · 26/10/2017 15:21

Wolfiefan I'm afraid it is normal - it starts at school as immature bluster and just continues, albeit to a lesser extent.

Not condoning it (again), but the OP wanted to know if it was normal.

MaggieS41 · 26/10/2017 15:26

Like you said OP, it’s disrespectful to your relationship and to you. It’s not normal behaviour for guys that actually love their partner and see a future together. It’s normal behaviour for mysoginists and those that can’t hold a relationship with a decent respectful human being. And I think you’re decent but also being naive. I’ve seen a lot of relationships like this that last but the woman spends her whole time appeasing and satisfying their partner with little love and care for themselves.

You have to ask yourself is this what you want? You’re still young. I suggest you don’t waste the best years of your life with this man. Not having a partner isn’t the end of the world. If you have low self esteem then go and work on yourself rather than this disrespectful relationship.

However I would approach him on this and let him know how you feel rather than attack him. His response and future actions will say a lot about how he feels about you.

Wolfiefan · 26/10/2017 15:42

I have a teen boy. It's not normal amongst him or his friends. I used to teach teenagers. It wouldn't be seen as normal there either.
Really it isn't ok. It's only considered normal by complete arseholes and those who seek to excuse their behaviour.
I find it depressing and disrespectful to those men who aren't complete misogynist swines to say it's normal.

dogfish1 · 26/10/2017 15:44

All we know is that he has said there are "loads of hot girls at his work place and he would do stuff with most of them". That probably means IF he was single.

How is this disrespectful? Women talk like that about men all the time. Nothing wrong with it.

Some are quick to judge on this thread.

Oddmanout · 26/10/2017 15:53

Wolfie that made me laugh out loud. I absolutely guarantee you that's what your son and his friends do, and you're fooling yourself if you think they don't. Of course he's not going to tell his parents that is he, nor would the others do it in front of a teacher.

Its not about being disrespectful, its just banter. It calms down as you get older, but this is just bluster between mates. It happens.

Wolfiefan · 26/10/2017 15:56

Wow.
He doesn't. I know he doesn't. I've heard "banter". You'd be amazed what kids will say in front of teachers.
It is fucking disrespectful. It really is. It's not acceptable. I'm not fooling myself. My child has his faults. Being a misogynist arse isn't one of them thankfully.

Mrskeats · 26/10/2017 15:57

Who made you the spokesperson for all men odd??
All men are not in one giant group that act in the same way. How could that possibly be true?

Oddmanout · 26/10/2017 16:04

OK, whatever you say.

The OP asked if this was normal, and yes it is, its not meant to be disrespectful, its just banter between them. Its not desirable behaviour, but it is just him and his mates joking around as far as he is concerned.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 26/10/2017 16:08

I wondered that Mrskeats Hmm

Original poster
Ellona · 26/10/2017 16:20

Thank you for your views. Alot have asked what I did wrong in our relationship. We have a 4year old daughter n at times it was hard to cope with depression and anxiety so when she was younger I didn't take her to any play groups (which he wanted for her development which causes issues. He also wanted me to get help for my depression n anxiety which I didn't do until last year n that caused me to be very snappy n come to random conclusions about things.
please try not to be so judgemental I know we love each other n have both put each other through crap.

OP posts:
dogfish1 · 26/10/2017 16:22

Oddmanout is right.
Wolfiefan, get real. Your son is not a misogynist but he and most of his mates will think about uncomplicated sex with lots of different girls they know and sometimes they'll talk about it. They won't do it in front of you, I didn't in front of my folks either. That doesn't mean any of them would ever approve of sexual assault, workplace discrimination or anything else nasty, and they're quite capable of understanding the difference.

Wolfiefan · 26/10/2017 16:24

I'm glad for the sake of my daughter that some posters disagree with me.
Nothing wrong with fancying someone.
Nothing wrong with saying they look good.
But sending messages to your mates about how you'd "do" them is an arsehole move

KarateKitten · 26/10/2017 16:26

No, I couldn't be with a man like that. It would firstly reflect badly on me that he thinks of women like pieces of meat. But even worse than that, he thinks women are pieces of meat so no, I couldn't be with a man like that and I'd refuse to entertain myself 'loving him'.

whiskyowl · 26/10/2017 16:30

Men excuse this by saying "All men do it, women just don't KNOW about it".

I used to work in a strip club, I'm quite unshockable when it comes to the nadirs of male behaviour. There are a lot of men who have this as "bantz". They're also the types that go to strip clubs on a stag night because that's "normal", have private lap dances because that's "normal" and then head off to a prostitute, because that's "normal" too. They're the types that lie to their wives who have been with the kids all day they are working late when actually they are out with their friends. They're the types that say "What happens in X stays in X".
I'm not saying all men who have a bit of banter use prostitutes, just that it's a kind of continuum for weak, impressionable blokes who are very prone to peer pressure. You can spot them a mile off.

But there are also a load of men with a bit of a backbone, who don't come near that type of venue, don't do that sort of thing and don't have "bantz" with their mates. They're generally intelligent, sophisticated, academic, and pretty egalitarian in their views. You want one of these blokes. They're often ridiculed by the first type at school etc as "weak", but actually they tend to have iron-strength determination and an ability to do what they want to do, not what other men tell them they ought to be doing to "fit in". And they wouldn't ever send a text like that.

TammyswansonTwo · 26/10/2017 16:36

When I was a teenager I had two boyfriends - one for a year, one for five years. They were not the kind of guys who would ever have spoken about women like this - and some people will say this is naive but it's true. Could they have laughed along with others comments due to peer pressure? Sure, but they would never have made comments like that - they absolutely didn't look at women like that. No question in my mind - but to me this is highly unusual, especially in younger men. At the time I didn't realise it was unusual. Misogyny is pretty ingrained in our society and many behave like this before they're at an age where they're willing and able to question it.

My husband and I were friends for several years before we got together - he and a couple of his mates certainly talked about some women like this, bragged about things that made me feel unwell, were generally arseholes. It was all bravado and bullshit but i was completely uninterested for this reason, despite it being quite different to the rest of his personality and attitude. Fortunately, he grew up significantly - I think working with a lot of really smart and brilliant women really changed his perspective. Some elements of his upbringing were very misogynistic and most people don't challenge that when they're young. Long before we were together I would call him on his bullshit in this area and he started to question it more. Now you would never know he'd been that kind of guy when he was young - he is so respectful of women, a real ally. Some people genuinely don't understand why their behaviour is so problematic - people can change, but not everyone has that level of self awareness and ability to change their longterm beliefs.

Mind you I'm saying all this assuming this is a very young man. Beyond that, no fucking excuse, and even then I'd be livid and trying to figure out if there's any chance his behaviour will change.

SuperPug · 26/10/2017 16:43

No - not normal. Decent men don't do This- sorry OK, sounds like you've had a really hard time but it seems like you're scared to speak to him. If he is in anyway **decent he should be very worried about your reaction.
Banter is a stupid word and can cover a lot of things. I'm afraid I'd put sexual comments about other women in a completely different category.

SuperPug · 26/10/2017 16:44

Ah phone- OP not ok

SuperPug · 26/10/2017 16:46

Whisky, that needs to be printed out and circulated...

dogfish1 · 26/10/2017 16:58

Er, what is so terribly sexist about saying there are a lot of attractive women at work with whom you'd be happy to do stuff?

Anyone who thinks this equates to using prostitutes is deluded. Some of you sound very self righteous, and have no doubt never confided in your friends that you wouldn't half mind swinging a leg over cheeky Brian from accounts.

KarateKitten · 26/10/2017 17:08

Actually dogfish, you can of course fancy people in work but there is a very clear line between those who are respectful about the fancied person in question and those who are not. The OPs bf is not a respectful person the way he was speaking. And if you think it's totally fine, neither are you. You just don't realise it.

dogfish1 · 26/10/2017 17:33

She has only told us that he said there were a lot of attractive women at work with whom he'd be happy to do stuff. I can't see how you can infer respect or lack of it from that. A woman who said there were lots of hot guys at her office who she'd be happy to shag would be, er... totally normal.