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Original poster

How do we make our gay friend see sense???

42 replies

michaelad · 13/04/2007 09:33

I'll try and make this as short as possible: A friend of mine is gay and finally found a boyfriend online at the end of last year. He's in his forties and has only had one other relationship since I met him (which is several years now). He is one of the loveliest people you could ever met so naturally his best friend and me were over the moon when we heard this. Now, this internet guy is a bit of a toyboy, being almost 20 years younger than him. But we kept our mouths shut and focused on his happiness. They live a couple of hours apart, so he drives down to see him every weekend. Now, over Easter he has found out from toyboy's best friend that toyboy has actually been twotiming behind his back and is utterly devastated. However, he refuses to confront him because he promised toyboys friend not to rat on him and is determined to act as if nothing's happened. My friends best friend (of 17 years) had a long chat with him last night which ended in a bitter argument and him accusing her of "just begrudging him the pretty boy and of being jealous".

What should we do?

sorry for this being so long

OP posts:
morningpaper · 13/04/2007 09:35

This is his life and he has the right to live it however he wants.

You can't really interfere, you just have to let him get on with it. Lots of our friends have relationships that drive us mad - you just have to let them work them out.

zippitippitoes · 13/04/2007 09:36

keep out of it is what i would do...he might be quite ok with his boyfriend and the last thing he wants is someone interfering in his sex life

lulumama · 13/04/2007 09:36

if he doesn;t want to confront him, nothing you can do really, except carry on being his friend and supporting him

maybe toyboy;s best friend is actually lying, and sh*t stirring because he is of him?

Original poster
michaelad · 13/04/2007 09:45

I'm know that the best thing would probably be just to stay out of it, you're all right! It's just hard because he doesn't deserve to be messed around with like that! And he's got his head buried in the sand now thinking that if he looses this guy, he will never find someone else again..which is rubbish, but try telling him that!

OP posts:
Original poster
michaelad · 13/04/2007 09:46

Plus, he's on the brink of throwing this 17 year long friendship with my friend away just because she told him that he should confront this guy and not take all the shit!

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 13/04/2007 09:47

well he is a grown man so even if you can see misery ahead then he just needs to find out for himself..perhaps he hasn't had enough experience in managing realtionships but you can't do it for him

he'll learn from it

Original poster
michaelad · 13/04/2007 09:48

Hi Lulu Was tempted to ask the tea room ladies for opinion too but thought it's the wrong place.

OP posts:
lou33 · 13/04/2007 09:48

his reaction sounds to me as if your friend touched a raw nerve, which is why he reacted as he did

he probably knows she is right underneath it all, but too insecure in himself, for some reason ,to feel he can be single

lulumama · 13/04/2007 09:49

agree with zippi...if he has not had many relationships, and he is in his 40s, he might feel this is the 'last chance saloon', better a cheating boyfriend, than no boyfriend!

lulumama · 13/04/2007 09:50

you can ask anything in the teashop!!

Original poster
michaelad · 13/04/2007 09:55

Will bear that in mind for next time, Lulu!
It very much looks like she touched a raw nerve last night. He even slammed the car door and drove off without saying goodbye!

It just pains her (and me) to see him go through this! He's such a nice guy, honest!!!

And I'd love to be able to give the other tosser a right talking to and a hefty slap..

OP posts:
Original poster
michaelad · 13/04/2007 09:57

Last chance saloon or not...if this was a woman in a marriage with a cheating hubby would'nt you all be up in arms by now saying: "Confront him and then castrate the bastard!" ??

OP posts:
lou33 · 13/04/2007 09:57

poor guy, he must be in a bit of a state

i hope he works it out with your friend, and sorts his allegedly useless relationship

Original poster
michaelad · 13/04/2007 09:58

Yeah...
How are you doing, Lou?

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 13/04/2007 10:01

i don't see it makes much odds if he is gay or amle or female....he is in the relationship and tbh he may not want to know if someone else thinks it is wise or short lived

lou33 · 13/04/2007 10:03

up and down , halfway to sorting childcare, thanks for asking

he does sound like he has self confidence issues, like he should put up with thos behaviour (if it's true), because noone else will want him

so despite how much he may love your mutual friend, she will not be the one he will be hoping to grow old with, and that makes him panic

if he stopped and thought about it rationally, he would realise that being single , but with friends like you 2 about, would be a much more secure and loving place to be, than the one he is choosing, but he sounds desperate to find someone who can fulfil the more intimate side as well

Carmenere · 13/04/2007 10:03

Sorry but I have to point out here that gay men have different rules to hetrosexual couples, fidelity generally isn't as important to them, mostly they consider a fuck is just a fuck and different to a relationship. Not every couple of course but I know quite a few long-term gay couples who occasionally play away and it is just ignored really.

Also gay men can be very age-ist, older gay men do not have a very high currency unless they are wealthy.

I think that unless you really think this bloke is taking your friend for a ride, live and let live nad like any of your friends, just be theri for him if it goes wrong.

Original poster
michaelad · 13/04/2007 10:04

That's the point I was trying to make..it should not matter whether it's a gay or straight relationship. I've simply seen lots of other threads on here in the past about cheating and mostly that was the advice given!

OP posts:
lou33 · 13/04/2007 10:04

i dont know carmenere, most of the gay men i know have had/wanted long term relationships

Original poster
michaelad · 13/04/2007 10:05

Oh I do think he's being taken for a ride big time!!

OP posts:
lou33 · 13/04/2007 10:05

but agree with the be there for him comment

Carmenere · 13/04/2007 10:07

Yes Lou I agree but infidelity doesn't seem to be a deal breaker iyswim

lou33 · 13/04/2007 10:08

ikwym

i do have a gay friend who was gutted that after 4 yrs with the same guy, he went and cheated on him

they split

relationships are hard work! lol

yeahinaminute · 13/04/2007 10:11

Ok - maybe you need to deal with 2 issues here:

Are you more concerned with his reaction to your mutual friend - as someone said - possibly hit a raw nerve - and he reacted out of character?

Or - do you both want him to address the issue of the "possibly" cheating boyfriend?

Either way - Why don't you try to arrange a lunch/drinks/dinner for the 3 of you to discuss this with him and let him know it's because you cherish his friendship that you want to see him happy and not being used.

Whatever the outcome - he remains your friend - Right?

zippitippitoes · 13/04/2007 10:13

perhpas it's just me then i think sexual relationships are private and would hate people giving me spurious advice and warnings