How do we make our gay friend see sense???

[michaelad]

I'll try and make this as short as possible: A friend of mine is gay and finally found a boyfriend online at the end of last year. He's in his forties and has only had one other relationship since I met him (which is several years now). He is one of the loveliest people you could ever met so naturally his best friend and me were over the moon when we heard this. Now, this internet guy is a bit of a toyboy, being almost 20 years younger than him. But we kept our mouths shut and focused on his happiness. They live a couple of hours apart, so he drives down to see him every weekend. Now, over Easter he has found out from toyboy's best friend that toyboy has actually been twotiming behind his back and is utterly devastated. However, he refuses to confront him because he promised toyboys friend not to rat on him and is determined to act as if nothing's happened. My friends best friend (of 17 years) had a long chat with him last night which ended in a bitter argument and him accusing her of "just begrudging him the pretty boy and of being jealous".

What should we do?

sorry for this being so long

Yeahinaminute, the meeting up is a bit tricky as they are all in Germany (which is were I come from) and I'm stuck here.

I would love to be able to sit him down and talk to him, absolutely! And yes, his reaction was totally out of character!

And regardless of the outcome he will most definitely stay my friend!!!!

Nooo! Keep out. Leave him alone. He has made it absolutely clear (more than clear) that he emphatically does not want your advice, or anyone else's about his relationship. He is an adult. You can't make him dump this guy and it is not your role to do so.
The Mumsnet advice to dump and run tends to be given if someone is complaining about their OWN relationship! This is not your relationship.

Your role as a friend is just to be there if it all falls apart, and NOT say 'I told you so'

Ah - a flaw in my plan michaelad ( alway's read that as michael lad for some reason !! )

So - a 3 way conference call?

An impromptu trip home ?!!

Conference call..no, not really
And try telling my dh and the two kids about the impromptu trip

Am going home in May though..so it won't be that long!

Btw. Yeahinaminute, Calligraphy...oooh..I am so envious..isn't it beautiful?

I agree with Aloha.
You only know about the two-timing 'by accident' and are under a promise not to tell that you know. If boyfriend's best friend has any real sense opr integrity, he will be using his influence (if he has any) to get the boyfriend to behve more honourably.

You are undermining the only genuine support your friend has by continuing to tell him what you think.

No, no Blu! He got a phonecall by this guy's best friend to tell him about the cheating. And he was told not to tell bf because that might cost this guy their friendship. And he seems to want to honour that more than stand up to his cheating bf.

Thanks - yes it is - have just finished some cat pedigree charts for a friend - Christ the names they give their bloody moggies - my hand was falling off by the time I finished !!

One of them was Fireball Dixie of Abson !!!

so this guy has been told by a third party that his lover is having sex with someone else and he wants to carry on with business as usual

that is just his prerogative then

he has had been kindly put in the picture and he is ok with it

yiam, our one was originally called Boromir of Kjaerligkatt...we call him Rasmus. Norwegian forest fluffy one..check my pics on the profile if you want.

That's pretty much it, Zippie! And he's so stubborn that he's even fine with risking his 17 year long friendship with our friend just because she told him that he should really confront his boyfriend and that he deserves better...

perhaps he is just realistic

he wants a sexual relationship and is prepared to have it non exclusive

from your account he hasn't had much luck so far so he wants to make the most of what he has now

i don't think your other friend needs to get involved with this side of his life just carry on with their friendship

horses for courses and all that

of course he may be a bit fed up with his old friends and finding a new side to himself

Oh, yes, sorry - but still - if he is intent on maintaining the relationship, you have to let him make his own decisions. I think lots and lots o us have stayed in relationships because we imagined things would change, that we could change them, or because we were afraid of being alone, or unable to let a person go no matter what they have done.

I still think that people need support to finish it in thier own tim, and that that can't be determined by anyone else. But knowing that there are staunch non-judgmental friends waiting in the wings to offer ongoing support may just help someone take theri self-esteem in one hand and courage in the other a little earlier.

I think much of the haranguing on here about people who ought to leave unfaithful / inadequate men asap and be damned if they don't take the advice immediately, is unrealistic.

Thanks so much for all your advice, everyone!! Shall have a good long think (and talk) tonight!

Michaela, you ask why the advice on Mumsnet seems contradictory. Well, the "confront him/ditch him" advice is usually given to the partner who has been cheated on and who has come here asking what to do. That's the answer your friend would most likely get if he asked the Mumsnet jury himself. What we think he should do, though, is not the point at issue here. It's how you can help your friend, who has NOT asked for or welcomed advice - a different question, with a different answer. If/when he does ask for honest advice, then it's time for "Confront him and then castrate the bastard!" to have an airing.

he has also only been seeing this bloke a short time and the relationship is in its infancy they might not have even considered making it a monogamous commitment which is a big step...they would have to discuss between them whether they both have the same feelings

a private discussion

I agree with Camanere.
I know a few gay males and fidelity to them is not the same as it is to us, at least not at the start of a relationship (in my experience anyway).
As long as he knows, then he can enjoy the relationship for what it is.
It really is no-one elses business and i'd be pretty ticked off if it was me.
BTW if the adulterors best friend thought so much of their friendship, then why is he ratting on his best mate?
Gay men are bitchy bas*ards to the extreme and it wouldn't suprise me if the 'friend' just had a case of the green eyed monster.
Who knows what lies he could be telling about your friend michaelad !