Can a relationship work when there's no trust?

[mylittlestar]

Just that really.

If you have a fantstic relationship, love each other, have great times together, great sex life, etc etc... But one or other partner has done something to damange the trust. Then can the relationship truly work and be happy?

Even if everything else in the relationship is great and the mistake is never repeated. Can you really be happy, even if for the rest of your life you may never fully trust again?

Any opinions either way?

For me, no. But i have never had to go through anything that could cause a breakdown of trust. So maybe i am wearing rose tinted specs! If lack of trust meant fights every time one of the couple went out/did something on their own, or massive repercussions or chest beating, i would imagine it would grind you down over a period of time.....
If you are asking does the trust come back, then i have friends who have worked hard and slowly it does...but it does take a long time, it's several years since the "indescretion" and only now would they say they are "trusting" again.....took a lot of work! But it is possible!

i dont think so

Meant to say "could " not does come back....know otheres where it hasnt and couples split

its depends on the individual and how forgiving they are and what exactly was done to lose the trust I think. DH went off with my best mate when we had just got engaged. But we are still here 10 years on. I still think about it sometimes, but he knows that if he did anything like that again, he will lose a lot more than just his family We havent had sex for months and I do worry that he will go elsewhere but i don't believe that he would honestly go and do it. I think its just he insecurity of thinking that if hes not getting it with me he might somewhere else. I think most people would feel the same?

If everything else in the relationship is that great then I do think that over time trust can be re-built.
It takes a lot of work and personally speaking the issue will always remain but hopefully in the background and drowned out by how great the rest of it is.

Had you asked me this question 6mts ago,my answer would have been NO but having had a very rocky time with DP where I lost all trust,things are way better.I still do not trust and I do check up on things but I am a suspicious old bag anyway.

Why do you ask?

AnAngelWithin if you honestly don't believe deep down that he would go and do it then you have your answer - you obviously do trust him now deep down. And 10 years on something is obviously going right!

I guess if the trust comes back for some people then that's how the relationship works then...

Totally agree that if the trust issues led to constant fights, insecurities and inability to let each other go out alone then life would probably be horrendous! i don't think it could work in that case...

Whoooosh I just asked as we're having a rocky time too and I really wanted to hear people's opinions on whether the relationship can work when the trust is gone.

Dh said last night that he felt that the trust was that shattered that he didn't know how to get through things.

But I just wanted some opinions on it, and I like the positive stories. Especially the idea that the trust is re-built over time and can come back...

trust can be rebuilt yes, and a relationship can work again, but as for a relationship where there is none at all, then no

Trust is a two-way thing. Once broken, it needs to be earned, but it also needs to be freely given too. What I mean is the person who has broken the trust needs to be prepared to do everything to prove they are trustworthy again, but also the other partner has to be prepared to try to trust them anyway, and put aside doubts even if they think their partner isn't trying hard enough.

So the question is just as much: do you want to trust him? as: is he trustworthy? If you want to trust him, then that's what you must do, and put aside fears that your trust was broken before.

We went though a horrendous time when I found DP had certainly been mentally unfaithful,hidden a relationship from me and was only circumstance which prevented being physically unfaithful.
I didn't eat for two weeks and we went through some very painful discussions.I accepted my fault in why DP felt driven to it and DP also made changes.
We basically realised that we loved each other and had far too much to give up on-the only thing I have to be very careful about is not bringing it up whenever I get the opportunity.
The trust is coming back,I don't think it ever will totally btu I think that is more about me as an individual.

I wish you luck-it can be done and it sounds like you have everything else worth making it work.

Dp betrayed my trust before we had dds. And he lies...over stupid things, and you simply cant trust a liar.
12 years on its still an issue. Recently he told my mate he hadnt told me he was at the pub for a pint, he had told me he had gone to pump up his tyres. He had walked out the door saying Im just nipping out for a pint....(dont get that sort of lying myself- pathetic) And then it escalated, to his apparently going to the pub in the afternoon...so now hes sneaking around pretending to be doing other things whilst sitting in the pub...apparently.
So.. to rattle the rug from under his feet I looked him in the eye and say You think your the only one that can sneak around? Really? Well just so you know, if you can I can too....he didnt sleep that night.
I just needing him to know that hes not the only one capable of it.
And ive put up with it for this long but 2 can play that game.
Not healthy at all.
But neither is sneaking around and playing games.

thanks Whoooosh

fluffyanimal that was a really good post. definitely given me something to think about. thank you

wow charliecat i know what you mean, that sounds like it must have been so difficult for you, i've met people like that too. who just seem to lie when there really is no need to. good for you for telling him 2 can play at that game!

I finally split up with my philandering exh as a few months on from the affair, I knew in my heart of hearts that I would never be able to forget what he had done. I could consciously forgive him, but could never find a way to trust him completely which made me into a rather paranoid and fearful person, which I didn't like much.

I found it easier to walk away and start again. I didn;t have children at the time though, and I really think that complicates things.

People are all different and I know some people who have managed to rebuild loving trusting relationships following an affair. I just wasn't one of them!

I think you need to think about what you want from life and from your partner. Only you know whether you can put it behind you and rebuild a new relationship - and imo trust is a vital componenet of that!

I think trust can be rebuilt to an extent, but it is never the same kind of trust as before once it has been broken. I trusted my dh so implicitly that I never thought even about whether I trusted him or not. I was possibly slightly naive!

After he had an affair a few years ago, I realise that you can only trust someone so much anyway. By that I mean that even if you trust somone it doesn't actually mean they won't do anything, just that you think it's very improbable. I know that is a very cynical point of view but it kinds it makes it easier for me to deal with by just not having to decide about trust. My dh and I have stayed together (at first on my part largely because we had children together). We went through absolute hell, but are actually now very happier and have a much more honest and real relationship than before his affair.

I know it's possible he could do it again, as could another man I'd gone on to meet, but he also now knows what he stands to lose. So we just get on with it and try and be happy now.

If my dh was unfaithful, I'd find it v v hard to trust him again and I know he'd feel the same way.

However, not everyone's like that. A friend of mine recently admitted to her dh that she's been having an affair for TWELVE YEARS and he was, in her words, "a bit cross, but ok now".

I'd have been out on my ear, and rightly so.

hi mls, how's it going?

I think fluffy's right. To a certain extent it has to be a blind act of faith, a decision and be prepared to risk getting hurt again. I think we're basically in identical positions right? I feel nervous. esp about impending week apart (feel sick tbh) but I just try and force these feelings down. literally force them away and not allow myself to dwell, toherwise it's too easy to slip into a dark fearful place.

That's not to say I'm blind, blinkered or naive, but when push comes to shove, i have to make the choice, will I trust him or not? If I choose not, then the marriage is over. AS I (and really, we) don't want that, the only other option is to choose to trust, as hard as that is. And it is hard. I hope it will get easier. I feel for me I am feeling more confident. Dh went out on Wednesday night till midnight. 2 weeks ago I would have been very stressed out & scared. But on Wednesday I wasn't. But I still, deep down have the sick and scary feeling, I just hope it goes and that he will not let himself or us down again. Our marriage and he deserve 1 chance, right?

Still of that e-mail he sent you!

Is it you btw going to move, I loose track of who's up to what?

hi ernest

we are in identical positions. and i fully agree that he deserves the one chance.

great that you were ok about him going out the other night. i crossed that hurdle last week too, but after a little MN support i got through it and it wasn't too bad after all!

i know you're worried about your week away. i totally understand. but you're right that if you choose to stay, then you choose to trust, and so you'll have to get through these things as and when they come up and you'll be stronger for it in the end! i'm sure of it!

have you got any plans to help you get through the week? will you call him at home each evening? e-mail and text regularly etc. i'm not sure exactly what to suggest but if he knows you love him and are missing him, and he reciprocates those feelings, then that would be a great start?

how about buying a web cam so you can 'chat' face to face on-line each day?

yes we're looking to move house. nice new fresh start and in an area to get ds into a nice school...

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mumblechum 'a bit cross, but ok now'!!

good for your friend though!

mellowma I know what you mean, but then as someone said you'd probably take the mistrust with you onto the next relationship, esp after being badly hurt, so if the current relationship is worth saving, then it's worth a shot...?

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Too right it is! I hope you're ok? xx

mylittlestar
I've followed your other thread so know where you are coming from.
You may have seen me contribute to other similar posts in the past- I won't bore you with the full story but our situations in many ways were similar- my dh about 3 years ago "lost the plot" big time, had what I can only call (as cliched as it is) a mid-life crisis and totally out of the blue, with no indication in our relayionship, after 20 very very happy years together and 3 fantastic children- he had an affair with a work colleague.
It almost killed me- it almost pulled our life apart, he laft, came back still saw her lied to me, she turned into a bit of a "bunny boiler" and wouldn't get out of our lives- long story short- after a few months he finally woke up, came to his senses put himself into counselling andwe've not looked back since.

We are still together and closer and stronger than we've ever been. Do I trust him? not 100% and I don't think I ever will as he did the unthinkable to me BUt I do belive and he continues to show me even now- that he is truely sorry. he made the biggest mistake of his life but has learned from it- he now appreciates more what we have and how close he came to throwing it all away. Even now he can't totally explain why/ how he got to where he did he just keeps thanking me for having the faith to work at our marriage and I don't regret it.

I do however still have odd days where the pain, the disbelief, the breach of trust hurts just as if it were yesterday. These days get less frequent and the feelings last less time.
I honestly do not think he would ever get himself into that situation again with another woman- I do still freak out if I think there's any connection, chance etc of HEr coming into our lives again- no matter how remote.

However he recognises why I feel like this and accepts I'm totally justified in doing so- he also accepted quite early on that his affair was nothing to do with a problem in our relationship rather a problem in himself.
So all I wanted to say was yes the trust can be rebuilt, very slowly and it comes from complete openness between you. He has to be prepared for now to spell it out to you- tell you his every move, change of plan, access to his phone etc etc. For months I'd check up on him- I very rarely do now. With time you do realise it has to be that leap of faith and you cannot live your life looking over someones shoulder. I still get the odd day where I need reassurance- I think it will always be that way. I weighed up what we'd had together for so many years aginst his "year" of maddness and decided it was worth fighting foe.
Honey you know on here you seejust how bad many relationships are (without the added pressure of an affair) if you've found something special I would say let him proove to youhow special it is now- we are all human, we are ALL capable of uge mistakes in life- and yes this is a big one- butIF he recognises that and IF he is truely sorry and wants to show you that for the rest of your days then keep with it. One day at a time- Time does help, slowly very slowly no more secrets, toatl honesty (and from you too- you need to let him know your pain). Good relationships are not built overnight and some people NEVER are lucky enough to experience a good relationship- if you've got one follow your instincts- have faith in what you've built together.
The pain I know will never go the breach of trust cannot be wiped away butyou can start looking at now and the future and very slowly stop looking at the recent bad time- the trust can slowly come back.
Hope this helps, take care.X

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i'm glad mellowma
I tend to only chip in on such threads and sometimes feel after 3 years others may think...oh no not her again on about that!.......but I KNOW all the emotions you are all going through and at the time for me there was no one to talk to who'd been through it.
I found some on here and I still feel strongly about how much that helped me. I know all our situations are different but they also all have common feelings and you do get to a point where you think you are going mad! To be told you are not the only one- I think helps.
Keep the faith!