Can a relationship work when there's no trust?

[mylittlestar]

Just that really.

If you have a fantstic relationship, love each other, have great times together, great sex life, etc etc... But one or other partner has done something to damange the trust. Then can the relationship truly work and be happy?

Even if everything else in the relationship is great and the mistake is never repeated. Can you really be happy, even if for the rest of your life you may never fully trust again?

Any opinions either way?

Maturer
So glad you pop up now and again and i want to say that you sure helped me. I think our story is so similar. My H went came back but was still seeing her and only at the last hour came to his senses as you say. I call it a mid-life crisis too and like you i hated the thought that there was anything wrong with our marriage.
He is now constantly telling me how sorry he was and how he is so grateful i gave him a second chance.
I am finding the trust thing ok - i have always had a problem with wanting to check up anyway - i guess i am just susspicious, but i dont think its worse now - i have learnt to acecpt that if he want to hurt me he can and he will have the guilt of that not me.
I wanted to ask you a couple of questions maturer though.
There will soon be contact again at work - he has to return soon having been lucky enough to be given some time off to sort out this mess. I know most people think there should be no contact but do you think this will re-kindle any feeling in him?

He says he now feels nothing - yet it was only a few months ago that his 'love' was so stong so as to leave us. How can his feelings have changed so much?

I also worry that he thinks he will be able to have a good work relationship with her and he needs to understand that she will be wanting to get some sort of revenge for this. (her marriage has ended because of the affair)

So to answer the question can you survive without trust?

There are different levels of trust, and it is what you can both live with that counts. I know i can trust my h to look after the kids all weekend but i cant trust him to do a load of washing. But i have friends who couldnt trust theirs with the kids even for an hour but it takes all sorts.
It is all about accepting each other for what we are - if you have now changed and he can acept that then it will be fine.

You need to trust yourself that you are doing the right thing by you and that you are happy that counts

Good luck to all who are doing this journey too.

Hey hurtwife good to hear you are still hanging in there!

I can completley understand your fears at your dh going back to work- my dh fortunately didn't have to work with her again (they were all being made redundant- which was part of the problem.....) however she tracked him down to his new job and kept sending him letters, sending emails in different names so he'd have to open them before he realised who it was, she even turned up at his work....by then dh had come to his senses and he told me everything that happened as it happened (it was like living a soap opera!)many of the letters and card she sent he never saw as he knew they were from me and brought them home for me to see- to this day he doesn't want to know what they said.

It will be very difficult for you and him- yes my dh said he loved her- now he says he can't belive he thought that because it wasn't love it was flattery and a short term infatuation- he's ashamed of what he did. Now I know he doesn't work with her but je's now in a job where he rules his own time- he could be anywhere I'd never know- that takes a leap of faith on my part and he goesout of his way to keep me informed.

The point is he's terrified she'll pop up again- not because of how he feels- he too says now he feels nothing for her- but he's frightened of the effect it would have on me/us BUT he knows he would have to tell me and would do so immediately- but we have to get on with life can't live looking over your shoulder.

I've come to the conclusion- yes working with HER would have made the situation easier for him IF he'd wanted to keep it going but if he's going to do it he'll do it wherever she is-your dh will have to be very open with you and very professional with her.

honey he knows what he hearly lost he knows how close he came to blowing everything- he now has the advantage of hindsight!!!!! He won't be that stupid again and i'm sure he'll make that clear to her.

As long as he keeps talking to you- as long as he doesn't do the "I didn';t tell you because i didn't want to hurt you"- - worse than ever that is- as long as you make it clear to him you want to/ need to know about the contact btween them- you'll get through it.

The funny thing was in the end HER persistance and his determination to tell me all immediately brought us closer together- we were working on the [problem together! make sure he keeps that in mind- it won't be easy but you can get through it together!x

ok guys, posting this on other thread as well to try and get seen. Really need advice.

Things been going well between us. Looking forward to the holiday - it's aleady com round & pil arrive on Friday & we go on Saturday.
Went out with dh on Friday night for a meal, he took me to a really nice restaurant, obviously put effort into choice etc. Had lovely night. Told him that I was starting to feel 'normal', or calmer or less terrified or however you want to look at it.

During the week we'd had a couple of setbacks. He found out I'd told his sister & was furious with me, not just that I'd told her, but that I hadn't been honest, that I'd lied to him , and a 2nd occsion where Iwas supposed to go out last Thursday night, and my friend had literally, 5 minutes before we were to meet, rang up and ditched me cos she had a date with some bloke and she'd forgotten, and I didn't want to admit to being a dumped bill-no-mates, so went out on my own, read my book for 2 hours then came back and didn't let on. So anyway, while he was ranting on about me not being honest enough about having told his siter, I told him I'd infact been stood up and gone out on me own. blah blah me telling lies, supposed to be fresh start based on honesty, me duly apologetic etc etc.

Anyway, last night I have nightmares about him & her. Wake up feeling down. Go down & look at his phone - last number dialled - hers.

He claims just about work. That there hasn't been any more contact, Does however say he's finding it really difficult to get over his strong feelings, I point out sectretly contacting her won't help to dull the loss etc etc.

So what do I do. There are only so many lies I can tolerate. The fact that he's spoken about how hard he's finding it to get over her is terrible. I do believe on the one hand he wants to. but on the other I have my sanity and self repect to think of. I am so depressed by this latet twist. I thought last week had been good.

If it is true that he wants to get over her (he has today suggested his feelings are stronger than I believed say 2 weeks ago) How does one get over someone like this? He hasn't done anything. I said I'm sick of words, if it's true I need him to be proactive, not passively drooping around.

Help please

shit ernest so and for you

i only have a few mins but wanted to let you know i'd just seen this and i'm here - will re-read and post again in a sec xx

i'll post on your thread xx