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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Back on tinder 3 days after we broke up...

38 replies

OhShit2017 · 24/10/2017 23:50

...whilst I’m still miscarrying his baby. I ended it because of his lack of support over the pregnancy/miscarriage. He is a single dad and had so little spare time that he just wasn’t there for me in any way, even on the phone.

I ended it on Friday, and met with him to exchange our stuff. I cried, we held hands, he cried, but I knew it wasn’t worth trying to work it out because of the situation he’s in and having no free time (he is going through a divorce and is trying to get to grips with being on his own 100% of the time with 3 kids).

He messaged me over the weekend to say he was ‘very sad’ and to see if I was ok.

Last night he went to a hotel near the airport he was flying from this morning, on a holiday with his kids. I reinstalled tinder (which is where I met him) and lo and behold his distance had changed, meaning he had been on the app in that location. Within an hour of getting off the plane it had changed again to where he is now.

Feel so hurt, have now blocked him, can’t believe it took him 3 days to decide to get out there and try and find someone else. Guess he’s magically found some time now, when he couldn’t even whatsapp me back when I was on a mess over the pregnancy/miscarriage.

I’m still bleeding ffs! Have blocked him now, obviously.

OP posts:

NickMyLipple · 24/10/2017 23:52

But it also took you 3 days to re-install it?

for your miscarriage.

Original poster

OhShit2017 · 24/10/2017 23:53

Yes to see if he was on there! Am not in a place to be swiping/messaging anyone, he clearly is.

OP posts:

RoderickRules · 24/10/2017 23:55

But you were on Tinder as well?

Sounds like he's not that invested.
And looking for someone who will accept what he's offering.

Sorry for your loss.
Give yourself some time and tlc.

Original poster

OhShit2017 · 24/10/2017 23:56

See above.

And doubt he’s going to find that person on a Greek island. Looking for a holiday shag more like.

OP posts:

LesisMiserable · 25/10/2017 00:01

Seriously?

mapie · 25/10/2017 00:02

Has he taken the 3 kids with him?

NickMyLipple · 25/10/2017 00:04

Maybe he was just checking if you were on there?!

Angelf1sh · 25/10/2017 00:04

That’s sad and I feel for you, but as you’ve broken up it’s kind of not your business if he’s back on tinder. I can see exactly why that’s hurtful but if I were you I’d view it as evidence of you dodging an insensitive bullet rather than having lost anything.

C0untDucku1a · 25/10/2017 00:05

Were you offered any counselling when you had the abortion? If not, could you go to your gp and ask for a referral?

Also, delete tinder. You are not in the right frame of mind to be dealing with that!

Original poster

OhShit2017 · 25/10/2017 00:07

Don’t think he was checking on me as he was on it both in this country and where he is now. Yes he has dc with him but other family members so sloping off for an evening would be possible. I didn’t have an abortion, I had a miscarriage.

OP posts:

Tuileries · 25/10/2017 00:08

It's probably not what you want to hear but I'm still hopelessly in love with somebody I ended a relationship with last week. I'm on Tinder now and I suspect if he knew he'd be very hurt. I don't know, maybe he's on their too. My point is that the only reason I am on there is because I am hurting so much from losing him that it's a dreadful self-destructive coping technique. It's possible he's not looking for a holiday shag but just somebody to talk to to take his mind off it all. Or maybe he's a bastard. I just felt I had to offer up my own experience, devil's advocate.

Original poster

OhShit2017 · 25/10/2017 00:08

And yes in a weird way it has made it easier, I’ve gone from feeling heartbroken to feeling glad I’m shot of him. Still hurts though.

OP posts:

Tuileries · 25/10/2017 00:08

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Take good care of yourself

Tuileries · 25/10/2017 00:09

There too* sorry, I'm in such a mess I'm getting my there, their and they'res mixed up

Original poster

OhShit2017 · 25/10/2017 00:10

Thanks Tuileries, it had crossed my mind that perhaps he was feeling like that. Or maybe like you say, he’s just a bastard. Guess I’ll never know.

OP posts:

LesisMiserable · 25/10/2017 00:13

Very unlikely he will be trying to pull someone on holiday with his children, come on!! you're not thinking rationally (understandably if you have had a miscarriage) . But yes like another poster said, you're both single. Its not your business now.

hiddley · 25/10/2017 00:16

You're in an awful lot of pain. A miscarriage and a relationship break-up. Try to sleep and eat and gentle exercise and use social media only when you're not going to get upset by what you see.

userxx · 25/10/2017 00:16

Try not to dwell on what he is doing, from memory you hadn't been seeing each other long and the unplanned pregnancy has obviously added a lot of stress to this situation for you both. Concentrate on looking after yourself.

C0untDucku1a · 25/10/2017 00:20

Sorry op id remembered your posts about having an abortion but id missed the one about it possibly being ectopic. Have you had to have aurgery as well? It must be difficult for you Atm. You do know he is no good for you though. But really, stay off tinder until youre feeling more like yourself. Youre vulnerable right now.

Original poster

OhShit2017 · 25/10/2017 00:21

Yep you’re all right. I just need to try and let it all go. It’s been a rollercoaster few weeks.
And now it’s half term and I feel guilty about not doing much with the dc, and I’m starting a new job next week. I really need to snap out of it.

OP posts:

Original poster

OhShit2017 · 25/10/2017 00:24

Was going to have an abortion, went for a consultation with BPAS. They scanned me and couldn’t really find anything so they sent me to epu to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. They scanned me again and thought that it was ectopic, so was supposed to go in again for another blood test to confirm that. Started bleeding the next day, and a blood test confirmed miscarriage. Sounds awful but I was so dreading an abortion, I am glad to have miscarried instead. I haven’t even started to deal with all in my head.

OP posts:

LesisMiserable · 25/10/2017 00:32

Are you upset about the miscarriage itself?

Original poster

OhShit2017 · 25/10/2017 00:35

It has been pretty painful and unpleasant but more than anything I felt a sense of relief that I was being spared having an abortion. It’s all very raw though and I know I haven’t started to process my feelings over the pregnancy. If I had been the only one to consider, I’d have chosen to keep it.

OP posts:

LesisMiserable · 25/10/2017 00:38

I get that. I've had a couple of miscarriages as have most of my friends, some of my friends were devastated, some pragmatic (I'm the latter). I think its a blessing you didnt have to have a termination. That's something.

Original poster

OhShit2017 · 25/10/2017 00:44

Yes emotionally I think it’s much easier to deal with. Still feels a bit wrong that I am glad that it happened though.

OP posts:

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