Fuming - Opinions please!!

[Brainjar]

So I am fuming with my husband. He always assumes the worst about our eldest (his stepdaughter). She has been a royal PITA over the last few years but on the path to better things now thankfully, however if I ever mention anything to do with her he always thinks of some negative possible scenario. Again last night I've picked him up on this & suggested he consider how unfair this is. He takes no responsibility for this behaviour, and will never address anything with her, just snipes to me. He then decides to tell me that he sneaked a look in her bag over a week ago, found drugs & didn't bother to tell me because he "knew how I'd react" and knows he shouldn't have done it. I am upset & hurt that he has withheld this info, chosen to use it to justify his own negative behaviour & then rather than apologise like an adult, blame me for my reaction (which is mainly incredulous at his behaviour...the drugs & daughter are a whole other issue...). I feel that he constantly expects the worse in order to protect his own fragile ego from further disappointments re: daughter that he has always cared for & treated as his own
until he didn't like her behaviour. Is there any hope if he can't even recognise how messed up this all is? Is it fair for me to be so mad? Am I being unreasonable?

He sounds like a twat.

What drugs were they?

How old is she op? a constant build up of negative comments are sure to damage her confidence and self worth?

He needs to realise how his actions will affect and mould her. If your DD thinks everyone expects very little/ disappointment from her, then why would she strive to be more?

You need to stop this now, its damaging

Coke

And yes, reading that back he does sound like a twat. That's exactly what I'd say to someone else just not quite so easy to be objective when you're emotionally involved 😕

Jersey girl I know...this is what really worries me...she's 20 now but a bit emotionally immature due to an idiot biological father. I will not allow further insults from a supposed father figure

Well I mean you have a 20-year-old daughter you describe as emotionally immature who does coke and still lives at home.

How sure are you that he's telling the truth?

It is a bit convenient that he, and only he, saw drugs whilst sneakily prying through her things.

Did he really see drugs?

And if he’s so eager to discredit her all the time why didn’t he say anything?

Yep, is he lying about that? So sad. I'm questioning EVERYTHING now. Says he didn't say anything mainly because he knows he shouldn't have looked. The worst part of all this is he appears to have no clue why this is such a problem...maybe I'll explain one more time...

Splendid I'm not sure what your point is? Other than it's all a mess

Thank you all for your posts

I wouldn't believe him without proof of the drugs personally. I'm sorry to say this but I couldn't be with anyone who was so negative about my child. He will be damaging her in some way being so negative. You staying with him will probably be sending a negative message to your daughter too and could be doing damage to your relationship and how she sees you. He either has to improve on this or he had to go in my opinion.

I know you're right, I'm so sad, shouldn't even have to question if he's lying. Don't even want to speak to him I'm so upset/raging

Shocked he can be so mean and so oblivious. Together 13yrs, married 9, he's raised her since she was 7. And I don't mean a token kind of job, I would have been long gone. All great (or so I thought) until we had our now 7yr old & older one went off the rails late in her teens (scummy boyfriend, low self esteem....It's so bloody predictable)

Depends what her PITA behaviour has been over the last few years. If she’s been constant trouble for a long time, it does get to the point when you start thinking ‘oh god what this time’. She is an adult and needs to start behaving as one.

Okaaay, so an unpleasant slight bully of a stepfather who spends his time simply waiting to find fault with your DD and kick off at anything she does apparently found cocaine in her bag but 'didn't say anything' ?

Riiiight!

If he had found drugs in her bag (nasty creep, why is he sneaking through the belongings of another adult?) don't you think he would have been utterly delighted to have yet another opportunity to hit the roof with her/you? He'd have completely gone to town on it.

Yes I absolutely think he is lying and while your daughter's behaviour may be concerning, his seems far worse. I would suspect that some or possibly a lot of the reason she has behaved the way she has is the crushing experience of having one of her parental figures making it clear that they don't like or approve of her.

He sounds horrible.

older one went off the rails late in her teens (scummy boyfriend, low self esteem....It's so bloody predictable)

yes it is if you have a nasty, denigrating, unsupportive bully for a father figure.

Couple of visits from the police re: antisocial behaviour by boyfriends (nowhere near home I might add) general disregard for communication, not knowing whereabouts for days on end, staying well away from home because she knew very well she was totally off whack, spending £10k in a few months with nothing to show (loan & savings account whilst living with scum boyfriend, I have my suspicions where that went, which is why husband may not be lying), not seeing little sis for weeks...losing several jobs...general life chaos of someone very lost. While we had extension going on & husband had cancer (with ongoing problems)

So it's been rough, BUT she's turned a corner, took out a court order on the boyfriend who got physical, has different friends & fab job that she loves... and is trying to building bridges. She's so much happier, but I am obv majorly concerned about the coke thing

Shame I seem to live with 2 liars

If my daughter had a step father who looked through her handbag, she'd leave home.

You say she has a rubbish biological father but honestly, this one doesn't sound much better. It's interesting that all of that happened when your joint child was born. I wonder whether that's where your daughter's low self-esteem came from

Husband doesn't kick off, just snipes, which is even bloody worse.

I think older one is jealous of little ones bond with stepfather, who is disappointed & hurt by older ones total disregard for any of her family for the last year or so

No, there is no way he saw drugs & didn't immediately feel the need to snipe about it so I agree he is a liar. Sounds like a cunt as well unfortunately with some deeply nasty traits.

Your husband sounds like he has had a massive negative effect on her self esteem, especially once he had his own child to compare unfavourably with her.

I feel really sorry for her.

He IS lying about the cocaine. Can you honestly imagine that he would find that and not relish the opportunity to hit the roof with her? From what you say, that is simply not believable. He probably chose to say that precisely because of the history with her boyfriend.

So - basically she went off the rails as a teen, has turned her life around, has got herself a good job and has had the courage to hold a past abusive boyfriend to account, and she is only 20. All while having a nasty sniping stepfather who intead of supporting her through the difficult years of growing up and finding her feet and starting relationships, made sure she knew full well what he thought of her and undermined her confidence at every turn.

You should be proud of her, and a lot less sympathetic to him.

And tell him to keep his fucking sticky paws out of her handbag.

I don't see how he would know that a bag of white powder was cocaine, unless he tasted it. It could have been any one of a number of substances. Seems a bit odd to me that he would be so sure it was cocaine.

It sounds like everyone has had a rough time. Unfortunately when trust is broken and feelings hurt everyone copes differently DH might be afraid to trust yr DD and feels safer preparing himself for worse outcomes. If you are all back under one roof i can imagine its stressful at times. Yr DD will value yr support ~ would you consider getting some professional help for the whole family to help you talk through all the trauma as maybe that will help to improve communication and the relationships between everyone?

I feel sorry for your daughter. Idiot biological father, then a great dad who went off her effectively when a/ his own child was born and b/ she went off the rails a bit at 13. Could there be a worse time to be displaced by a younger cuter model than 13? Bad enough for full siblings but she is bound to feel like a cuckoo in the nest now, she is the only one who doesnt fully 'fit'. Its clear your family dynamic isn't working and communicating clearly has become nigh on impossible because there's so much anger, resentment and probably some guilt because no normal person can go through this stuff without feeling some. I think your girl needs you more than ever. Husband will understand, he would probably move heaven and earth for his own daughter.

Than you all so much for your time - you've basically all said exactly what I'm thinking and I feel reassured that I'm not bonkers!!! Or being unreasonable

Yes I am waaaaaay proud of my daughter, she's amazing! (Both of them but we're talking about the big one!!)

I'll see if they'll do counselling (with me) because I don't want to destroy little daughters world without trying everything I can first.