A difficult 13 year old dd! Over weight and I need help :(

[cupcakesmakeyouhappy]

It's very very hard to explain my 13 year old dd. I know her strops are a part of her age etc but I can't reason with her.
She doesn't like the word no! Eventually when she realises I'm not going to back down she hates me. She says awful things. Then she says I love her sister (my youngest dd) more than her. I let her sister do this, I let her sister do That, I don't shout at her sister. My youngest dd is so loving and caring and just doesn't complain. She understands life doesn't always go to plan and appreciates things. She obviously has her little strops but overall is mild mannered and lovely company.
Some days I'm anxious around my 13 year old dd. The smallest thing will set her off. Like I have cooked the wrong thing for tea, she wants chocolate, why can't her friend stay over again (they stay over), it's so hard to explain. Everything is a battle which brings me to why I'm posting.
My dd is also over weight and recently I have noticed faint stretch marks on her tummy. I have tried the gym, dance class, walking with her, encouraging healthy choices, we have cried together, she has been bullied and I have told her I can help her but she has to listen to me. She gets angry with me. She wont stick to any of it. She secretly eats. I find wrappers in her bag. She has absolute melt downs like a 2 year old if I say she can't have something.
I am not home until 5.30 most days so she let's herself in. I stopped buying rubbish ages ago but she will make cereal, eat bread, cheese, ham, anything she can. It's like it's all she wants to do is eat. I prepare snacks, buy fruit but she doesn't listen.
On weekends I try to stay active with them but she wants to see her friends. She gets angry because all her friends have money. I explain why as she spends it on rubbish.
I didn't want to take it all away as my youngest enjoys a treat so I stuck to weekend only treats. If I gave her money, she buys rubbish. Nothing works.
I'm desperate to help her but exhausted too :(

I would agree with trying counselling, if you can. She needs to talk about it. Not about her weight - about why she's so unhappy. She knows she's overweight, only too well, but it will be horribly painful to discuss it out loud at that age. Perhaps she feels she can't talk to you about what else is upsetting her - maybe because she thinks it would upset you too?
I was overweight at her age, very unhappy at school, no friends - and my mother wasn't a good listener. She would get angry with me instead. I wanted to die, basically, and it only got worse as I got older.
The only thing I could do was eat, to feel better. It all seemed normal at the time but now I can see the huge impact on my whole life - my health and self esteem, relationships, everything. I think now, if only someone had listened to me at that stage...

Thankyou for your messages :)
Yes, she eats grapes and strawberries with yoghurt. She seems to decide if she likes something by the way it's smells/looks. I'm always trying to get her to try new things and accept if she doesnt like it but just try it.
Some great advice here, appreciated.
I'm sorry to read others are having trouble also. I know it's difficult as I have said already we want our dd's to be confident in their own bodies. Their health is important!
I have made a few changes since posting.
LaughingElliot yes I disapprove of my dd's eating habits because her eating habits are over eating! Little comments such as??? Controlling mechanisms?? Oh dear Lord! You are very judgmental! Longing for a more perfect child?? I would like you to point out exactly where this has come accross through my messages. My dd is perfect to me! I want nothing more than for her to be comfortable in who she is. I want her to be healthy!
You are entitled to your opinion. I came here for advice. You have given yours and I thankyou but I do not agree! I no longer wish to read your judgemental views!
Thankyou so much everyo e for your opinions and advice. It's difficult parenting sometimes. We all want to do the right thing to ensure our babies grow into healthy, confident, and independent young ladies!

My eldest piled on the weight at around that age (as many kids their age). We eat well and I've always exercised and my kids have done lots of sports. Then over a few months he stopped eating fatty and sugary food and ramped up his exercise and lost loads of weight as well as grew 10 inches.

I was similar at that age though I was a few years older when I lost the weight. Make sure that there is healthy and filling food available and don't stop them from having treats when you're all having them but don't keep them at home. Organise walks, bike rides, badminton/tennis, jump Inc, skating etc. Fun stuff that gets them moving. Make your own frozen berry smoothies etc.

cupcakes - if she eats grapes and strawberries and yoghirt - that's a good start. You can point out that these are good healthy choices in her diet and ask her to include them often, to give her the nutrients she needs. (I found with DS2 who had similar issues that it was important to always talk about food in terms of its nutritional value not whethe rit's fattening.)

Also can you encourage her to find other ways to self soothe if she's stressed? A bath or a cheery you tube video or a cuddle of a pet etc.

I didn’t imagine for a moment you would like my views because they are very confronting and that is hard to swallow. You want praise for being a great mum, that is clear. But this will not help you and it will certainly not help your daughter. You need to try to love your daughter unconditionally which you cannot do until you confront your own issues. I hope you manage to before your daughter gets too much older.