Weird accusation from usually normal DP

[Lapdog22]

My DP of 8 years is usually a normal easy going decent person but he said something to me today which did not impress me.

My DS's friend is going through a rough patch and is staying with us until he gets somewhere to live. He is 19 and pretty vulnerable as his upbringing was terrible. My DC like him a lot.

My DP came over yesterday and realised I was in the house with DC's friend on my own. My DC were out. DP seemed put out and left pretty soon after. He then texted me to ask if I was sleeping with my DC's friend.

I was horrified that he would even think that and I read him the riot act and told him where to go.

We have a good relationship but I am seriously thinking of ending it. How would you feel?

Thanks very much to everyone for suggestions regarding housing and keeping him occupied.

We dont live together because when we met the kids were young and I didn't want anyone to move in. I am pretty shell shocked this morning. I loved being in a relationship. I am not wavering because it repulses me that he could say such a thing. Thanks again for listening.

I can understand your reaction to this. It shows another side of him, it shows what he actually genuinely was thinking, and it’s disgusting as you said.

He’s not just accusing a woman in her fifties of sleeping with a teenager, the woman is supposed to be one he professes to care about, and the teenager is a vulnerable friend.

I’d struggle to accept he was thinking those things, and thinking them to the extent he made the accusation. He clearly thinks kids that age are fair game. It’s sick. I’d struggle to get past it too.

Thanks Bluntness that's exactly how I feel. That he thinks young vulnerable people are fair game. My life has just changed radically. I am anxious about the change but that is just the way it is.

Op would he be able to live at yours and claim benefits? He is likely to have problems finding somewhere to live, sadly.

As for your dp well , he may have had a relationship with his friends mother, but to tar all young men and mothers with his brush is not good, it is deeply disrespectful to you.

Poor you

Op, to me your telling comment was when you said that although your partner was a decent kind man', he had never been tested.'

Well he spectacularly failed the first test, didn't he?

You are absolutely right to feel disgusted with him. Sometimes people take years to show their true colours.

It's wonderful that you have taken the lad in, so don't let anyone tell you otherwise, especially the one person who is supposed to be on your side!

I think the other thing is he would take what is essentially a good deed, an altruistic act and turn it into something where you have a perverse ulterior motive for helping this kid. It says a huge amount about him that he would think that way, that he cannot see a kindness he can only think there must be something else in it.

It also indicates what he thinks of you, that you’re the type of woman who would do this, invite a troubled teen into your home with the intents of having sex with them. So yes, I’d have a major issue with it too. That he could think such a thing of me. That he couldn’t comprehend a kindness, and searched for another reason and landed on sex.

I have housed teenagers for years and years and sometimes I have been attracted. Obviously, NOTHING would happen, on any level, ever. But I'd be lying if I said it had never occurred to me.

Have a look at Nightstop which specifically works to house homeless young people.

OP, exactly the same scenario happened to my best friend but it was her husband who made the allegation which was about a very vulnerable 17 year old lad, a friend of her DS’s she had taken in after his mum kicked him out.

This was several years ago and it completely and utterly changed the dynamic of the relationship with her H. To this day it has never recovered; it killed her sexual desire for him stone dead and created an enormous gulf between them. She is a kind and good woman like you and has never been able to get over the horror and disgust her H’s allegations caused her. They are now in the process of divorcing. It has been a long route to this outcome but the damage his horrible comments caused has been impossible to overcome.

What kind of idiot thinks a woman only has to be in close proximity to an attractive man to be unable to control the urge to jump into bed with him?

What a stupid thing to say. Funny how he has never shown his true feelings about women all these years and the one time he should be fully supportive never mind trusting of you he falls spectacularly on his face.

Its crap but at least you know where he stands regarding his trust in you.

He is behaving like some jealous 16yr old.

Tell him to go away and grow up.

You are doing a great thing for this young man. Good luck getting him a house and the help he needs.

I feel really sad for you OP, but I had a visceral reaction to reading your post- felt sick to the stomach. If that's how I felt, I can only imagine how roten you felt.

You know yourself better than anybody and you obviously feel that there's no way back from this repellent issue.

There's an old mumsnet phrase (I actually think it might be maya angelou)- when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

Sending you big love, because you sound like a fabulously strong and kind person and amazing role model, but I know you will be gutted

I'm not sure if you can get back from this. He had shown himself to be a jealous person of loose boundaries and low moral standards which he's projecting onto you.

Yes, sounds like this man has had things all his own way for most of your relationship - if you look back, you will probably find quite a few incidents where you complied with his suggestions and let him make the decisions, because whatever it was felt too trivial to argue about.
But the first time he's not the absolute focus of your attention he throws a strop. You're absolutely right to dump him, and you probably knew, at some level, that he wasn't all that and you didn't want to let him get his feet under the table. (There is nothing wrong with having a longterm arrangement with a partner but not wanting to share your home with that person - if the partner wants a live-together/married relationship, the partner is at liberty to go and look for that with someone else.)

The thing that is so utterly repulsive, and tells you 100% that you should dump your DP for this is that this is your son's friend.

Your DP has clearly (as he should given their ages) taken a role of friend/mum's partner to them, rather than being in any kind of parental role. But this shows that his thinking is utterly unsuited to playing even that part in their lives. You have known this young man since he was EIGHT, and look on him as a peer to your son. A normal decent man with the right attitude towards parent-child relationships and what the role of a parent to older teens demands would think likewise. He's seen your interactions with your children and their friends and he has been part of that, similarly in the role of 'parent-type figure'. Something like this should not even enter his head. It's a disgusting way to think, not even because this person is young and vulnerable but mainly because your relationship with him is as 'one of the parents'. Ok he is not a parent himself but he really shouldn't be seeing your children and their friends in this light. It doesn't take a huge leap of the imagination to presume that when your son's female friends or your daughter's friends (if you have one of a similar age) are around, he looks on them in the same way - YUK.

Vocalising this at all is utterly awful and creepy but actually accusing you of having sex with this young man - ok, bye. No more to be said.

You have definitely done the right thing.

Yeah, same kind of feeling as Bluntness. My inkling is that you kind of make these assumptions based on how you might act in the same scenario - which is why people who ars paranoid that their partners might cheat are often the ones that would themselves. So is he basing this on this idea that vulnerable teenager in close proximity is clearly a sexual prospect?

Same kind of feeling as other posters: the fact that he looks at a parent-child type situation and thinks "sex" is creepy and makes you wonder how he thinks the rest of the time.

I think you are doing a lovely thing . Try england.shelter.org.uk. I think you doing the right thing in getting rid of partner . He some very weird ideas .

You should very switched on.

I started the freedom program and they mentioned this type of scenario as a form of control.Accusations based on you being in close proximity to a male, no other rational basis for accusations.

Sadly it reflects how his mind works and the fact he hasn't immediately called to say he was behaving irrationally is a warning.
I hope he's not ruminating on the fact your anger must reflect your guilt.

Thank god there are people like you who take on abandoned kids without hesitation, you’re doing an amazing thing for him.

Your partner sounds like a nasty person a) to have those thoughts and b) to totally lack compassion for the boy’s situation. Such an ‘I’m alright Jack’ attitude.

I'd infer that HE would be tempted to sleep with a vulnrrable teen if he had one under his roof. Thank goodness he doesnt.

Thank you for posting and for being so supportive. I haven't heard from him today and I haven't contacted him. The advice regarding housing is invaluable but it seems likely from what posters say that he will get no support with housing. I can't believe we live in this society, it sickens me.

Dancing I am stunned that precisely the same thing happened to your friend. I am not surprised she couldn't be intimate with her husband and that they are divorcing.

Love the words 'sexual prospect' makes my skin crawl. Whistle so revolting.

Thanks for saying such nice things about me looking after him. It's only been 2 weeks and I am starting to tolerate him playing heavy metal guitar a lot. I know his favourite is neo classic metal.

My DC are really fond of him and know how awful things have been. We are reaching an understanding. I can tell him to clean up etc in the same (unamused) tone I take with my own two. The best case is he lives near us and we support him. My DD has just been discharged from hospital and our house is small.

Springy I can 100% state that I have never been attracted to any of my DC'so friends.

Thanks again for posting. I haven't told anyone else yet. I probably won't because I know what their reaction will be.

I am coping surprisingly well with the split and think it's because I am in shock and that his behaviour was just so wrong that there's little room for doubt.

We had a really good relationship. He was really great with me and my DC, he is a great dad and grandad (aged 52). I am a very independent person and actually allowed myself to rely on him. There were differences but fundamentally he is a decent person. He obviously just has some weird views that I can't accept. There's no point is saying he is a monster, he isn't. His friends and family are really fond of him.

I will be posting soon to say that I am distraught. I still can't overlook it. Thanks again.

How are you feeling today OP?