Weird accusation from usually normal DP

[Lapdog22]

My DP of 8 years is usually a normal easy going decent person but he said something to me today which did not impress me.

My DS's friend is going through a rough patch and is staying with us until he gets somewhere to live. He is 19 and pretty vulnerable as his upbringing was terrible. My DC like him a lot.

My DP came over yesterday and realised I was in the house with DC's friend on my own. My DC were out. DP seemed put out and left pretty soon after. He then texted me to ask if I was sleeping with my DC's friend.

I was horrified that he would even think that and I read him the riot act and told him where to go.

We have a good relationship but I am seriously thinking of ending it. How would you feel?

Thanks Minor your post makes a lot of sense. I will leave it for a day or two. I didn't feel like giving him a chance to explain earlier so I guess the mature thing to do is to give him a chance to do so. I suppose he views friend as an adult whereas I view him as a vulnerable child.

Thanks again to everyone for posting!

The thing is SGB he is a decent person and has never tried to control me, that is what is so weird. Hiddley I am still at the stage of not wanting him anywhere near me, transplant or not.

My final thought for the day is - weird jealous behaviour.

So
a) he thinks you could be (are being) unfaithful
b) you would choose your son's friend
c) you would choose a vulnerable teenager who is 30 years younger than you

Not a lot of respect there.

OP, you're a woman after my own heart. You'd like to think that someone who has known you for such a long time and supposedly loves you, would also know that you are incapable of behaving like that.

It's very accusatory too. Like he's trying to find evidence of wrong-doing on your part (usually as a means to defend themselves).

People can do strange things. I would really keep him at arms length until you figure out his end game. Ideally I'd just dump him, but I understand we're not teenagers and you have a long history. Thread carefully.

I remember him saying 'I know what young men are like' before I hung up

He knows what he was like as a young man, and if he was attracted to and tried to/did have sex with his friends mother when he was a young man, it doesn’t all young men would.

Sounds like you see your son’s friend as like family, I’d be angry and disgusted too and can see why you’re thinking of splitting up.

My friend has often said her best friends mum letting her stay there when she was manic and needed to get away from home saved her life as she’d have been on the streets and when she was manic she would take crazy risks.

You are doing a wonderful thing for a young man who has very limited options.
Your partner is NOT a "D"P. He is jealous and controlling and I fear this is a sign of things to come.
Tread carefully.

I am listening to every word you are all saying. It pisses me off so much because my DS's friend is not staying with us just for company, he is in a crisis and badly needs our support.

I will definitely keep him at arms length because I am repulsed by him. We have a long history and he is usually kind but in reality he hasn't been tested that much. We have a good relationship and my DC like him. He doesn't live with us so there aren't the usual stresses and strains.

All I know is that I have seen something in him which I can't un-see. I am not good at lying to myself and I feel like I want to end it because he looks like a creep to me. One key factor is that I haven't told my DC what he said because deep down I know they will be utterly disgusted. I can just see the look on their faces aka horror!

And it is repulsive. It would be bad enough to say such a thing about a young man that you'd only known as a 19 year old, but to suggest this about a young man that you've known since he was a wee boy of 8 years old, and to whom you seem to have been very much a mother-figure, well, ... just, ... no.

That's it Seeing just ...no.

There is no going back for me. It is a shame. I haven't been in many relationships. My marriage ended after 2 years and 2 babies 18 years ago. I stayed single for years, had a few flings and then had a 3 year relationship with someone I adored. We lived in different countries so it didn't work out but it was amazing. The kids didn't meet him.

My partner is the first person my DC met and they like him. Oh well that's life.

Really glad to hear that you're meeting someone to discuss housing. Hope he can find somewhere supportive and great that he has you too. What an example you set to others.
I had to leave home at 16. I ended up living with an abusive older man and would have done anything for someone like you to turn to.

You sound super switched on and too wise to take any shit from your partner. Very sad that he was cheated on but he has no right to use it as a stick to beat you with.

Just cross posted and missed your update. Full respect to you for taking such decisive action. I think I feel a little bit of hero worship coming on!
Seriously that was a brave thing to do and again another excellent example to role model to your children.
I'm sorry too though as I'm sure you'll feel sad about ending things but 'when you know, you know.' Onwards and upwards x

Jelly I have hero worship for you being such an understanding person after leaving home at 16 and living in an abusive relationship. You sound like a lovely person and I am really pleased that you came out the other side.

I am sad and actually close to tears but that is because I know there is no going back. Onwards and upwards is right. I have to keep believing that something better is around the corner!

Thanks Rain!

Lapdog22 thank you. It's not been an easy ride, I stayed vulnerable in many ways for many years and the most important thing for me is to ensure that my kids feel nurtured, loved and safe in their home.
I recently ended a relationship that was not serving me and would not be good for my children to be a part of in the future. I was really sad as had high hopes for 'us' but he just couldn't make the grade in terms of role modelling.
I know I did the right thing but I'm still upset, sad and disappointed and angry but I'm also relieved and know I made the right decision.

If you're close to tears just let it out. The sooner you grieve the sooner you can get to the next stage.
Sending hugs 🤗

It was an absolutely awful thing for him to accuse you of and I am not surprised you are disgusted. These are the sorts of things that really change the way you feel about a person.

I wish you the best of luck. I'm coming to the point where I no longer 'want' a man in my life. I just can't cope with the snoring lol. No, I know it's not that important, but I just feel strong enough to be on my own now. I'm too independent. Sharing MY bed. No.

Spiders still scare the shit out of me, but other than that I'm able to do everything without the added stress of a partner.

Note to self: Add insect spray to shopping list.

Just what? How does someone even think sonething like that. I'm trying really hard to imagine a similar situation but I am having a very hard Tim imagining my DH coming out with something so ridiculous

I think firstly is a very kind thing you are doing with you ds friend. I was in a similar boat when I was a teenager, and without my friends family putting me up, I'm sure my life would have been very different from where I am now. I'm eternally grateful to them for their understanding and kindness.

As for your DP, just urghhh. To even have those thoughts is just weird, and says a lot about where his thoughts are.

I don't like people playing the 'my ex cheated on me' card either. Some people use it as an excuse to, best case, be arseholes, worse case, abusive.

Tbh 8 yers and not living together doesnt sound like it is going anywhere anyway. Have you been subconsiously keeping him separate from the family all along? His accusation is disgraceful. And no, past relationships does not excuse it. He needs counselling if he thinks it does.

Lapdog

Your partner made an outrageous accusation and this relationship should be at an end. He does not live with you either thankfully so has no say in who you have to stay in your home.

Re your comment:-

"I agree that friend should leave but he is homeless after another crisis at home and I can't see him on the street. We've been to the Council so hopefully he will get somewhere".

Council will likely see him as a low priority and will therefore not rehouse him readily. Would he be willing and able to contact Shelter and or Centrepoint (particularly them); they specifically help young people in crisis situations.

I agree it's very kind of you to help the boy and provide him with a home. The issue may be because he is technically an adult at 19 so will be a lower council priority to house.

Your partner sounds like an idiot. I would really consider leaving him after a comment like that. He obviously doesn't trust you.

Lapdog - yes Attila is correct re housing - they won't see him as a priority as he has a home. Is he on the waiting list and does he have to bid for properties (I'm in London) it maybe a different system where you are. I agree to make contact with centrpoint and shelter for advice.
What does he do in the day - does he work - you could contact the Princess Trust as they have support/courses for individuals who are vulnerable.They can build his confidence and give him a sense of self worth. Even if he works or is occupied during the day - make contact and see what's available. They may do stuff evenings or weekends.
Re your DP - it must have been a shock - he must be very insecure and jealous that you have this young man living with you. You sound like you have made up your mind. Your a strong woman.