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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Narcissistic Nearly ExH

45 replies

NewView · 22/10/2017 21:42

Realised my mistake. I was doing really well playing grey rock and I was nearly boring enought to be left in peace. But then he got a new gf and he is suddenly very fully of himself again.
I have had some really nasty texts from him today- where really he projects all of his bad behaviour onto me in a message that is full of lies and has had lots of input from new woman, because it is not how he would write normally.
A lot of it is in response to how I have tried to lay down a few much needed boundaries on both my lawyer's and counselor's advice.
I have not replied to last message- would like to just say Don't ever contact me again, but we have DC's and finances aren't sorted yet.
Fingers itching to just give him the character assassination he deserves, but there is no point, is there?
I know lots of you have dealt with this- what works best please?

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 22/10/2017 21:54

In my dealings with a narcissistic, however tempting it is to respond and defend yourself, it's not worth it . They want the drama. Ignore anything that isn't relevant to your son and finances. The OW will realise soon enough anyway.

Original poster
NewView · 22/10/2017 22:01

Thank you Cri .Just kicking myself for reacting. He has been reasonable enough for a while for me to let my guard down. Every time I see him, I'm awake most of the night and it somehow takes me days to get over it. Which gives him ammunition to say I'm neurotic and hysterical. I'm really not either. I just get pushed further than I can take.
I wish I could just live a long, long way away from him.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 22/10/2017 22:01

Honestly I know how tempting it is. My narc ex was a hollow shell of a being too. You know there is no point and it's way more torturing to not reply Grin

Original poster
NewView · 22/10/2017 22:09

Hollow shell of a being😂
I wonder how long it will take for new woman to twig? It took me 20 years. With hindsight it should have been 2, but hindsight is 20/20 as they say.

OP posts:
Twillow · 22/10/2017 22:22

God, its hard isn't it. It's unbelievably hard to understand how they can't concede a reasonable point. And they are so utterly vile you are successfully dragged into an argument to try and defend your entirely reasonable position.
But don't bother. It can't be done. Best way to annoy him is not to react. Or even respond. You can't win either way so protect your mental health!

jeaux90 · 22/10/2017 22:23

My ex said his ex was all sorts of negative things. Now I think her and I would probably have a good chat. She'll realise. Eventually.

And yes they are hollow shells of beings. With no sense of consequence or remorse.

The positive kicker is that really they hate themselves, and you were the bright shining thing he needed to make him feel ok.

Remember that next time you feel like telling him about himself (and I know how you feel)

Not responding and acting like it never happened is the best torture and best for you too of course xxx

welshmist · 22/10/2017 22:28

Buy a cheap pay as you go phone use that number for him and then take your life back otherwise by blocking him on your main phone.

Cricrichan · 22/10/2017 22:29

I've not seen my narc for 5 years. I've blocked her and don't respond . In the summer I thought I'd seen her walking on a pavement whilst driving and felt physically sick.

It's a normal reaction. However, don't bother. All it'll do is feed them with the drama and it's like talking to a walk that invents stuff and accuse you of things they did !

Original poster
NewView · 22/10/2017 22:48

There is no point, it is hard, I felt bad I couldn't warn the new woman who I thought was a nice person, but now she's enabling him. I did that though, didn't I- made excuses for him, time and again.

I just need to keep up the battle to be a bright shining thing for my children and myself. I was doing ok, now I feel a bit back to square one, but I can do this.

Thank you all

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Hermonie2016 · 22/10/2017 22:55

Its the blatant lies that is so unreal that you can't help sometimes responding.Stbxh has lied to his solicitors multiple times.I have proof so wonder what his solicitor thinks..or are they so used to high conflict individuals lying? Ex told me things his ex had said, it was all very credible, nothing too denigrating but just enough to suggest she was the problem and he was the innocent.It was highly manipulative as he knew I would not have tolerated him labelling his ex crazy.

A friend going through a divorce with a similar nasty ex just responds to his texts with "noted"Smile

I have found "The Narcissist you know" gave useful insight and helps to keep me from not engaging.Don't be too hard on yourself, after 20 years he knows you well enough to know how to get to you.Over time his hold on you will release.

EmeraldIsle100 · 22/10/2017 22:57

I feel your pain. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Don't feed the drama. You can do it.

EmeraldIsle100 · 22/10/2017 23:00

Noted is honestly one word too many.

Original poster
NewView · 22/10/2017 23:10

Yes, blatant lies. He appears to have charmed my solicitor too, by representing himself ( too clever to need his own lawyer you see)

I will look up The Narcissist you know and probably go to sleep chanting ignore, ignore, ignore.

💐To you all. And respect for coming out the other side with such hard won knowledge and experience

OP posts:
lurkingwithlove · 22/10/2017 23:11

I used to kick myself too and felt ill when I let my guard down. Until I realised I was abusing myself on his behalf.

So be extra kind to yourself instead. Journaling can help a lot, gets the toxic fog out of your head onto paper.

Defer replying if he's nasty. I don't even open messages from exh until I'm sure I can be emotionless. Sometimes I "forget" to answer.

It's shit but eventually he'll take his narc show elsewhere.

Cricrichan · 23/10/2017 08:04

Do you have a friend you can vent to and support you and help to stop you from responding?

Bekabeech · 23/10/2017 08:16

If he has charmed your solicitor I would be having words with them. They are supposed to be on your side, and if they can’t be braised in your favour maybe they need to pass it to a colleague or you change Solicitors?

Original poster
NewView · 23/10/2017 08:24

I sent the solicitor a fairly direct message and I hope that she sees how it is now, but you're right Beka, if not I might have to change.

I have great friends- I feel bad about inflicting this on them repeatedly. I feel so sick and tired of it I don't want them to get sick of me.

I realised too, at about 3 am when I couldn't sleep , that his treatment of me since he moved out depends on how much my behaviour pleases him. So if I'm 'nice' I get presents ( which I don't want) and more maintenance for the DC's and if he's mad at me I get less or even none one month.

OP posts:
CaptainM · 23/10/2017 08:27

Agree with everyone else - just ignore. I only respond to messages that relate to DCs, and ignore the rants. I rant on a WhatsApp group I have with my 3 closest friends. Wouldn't have survived without the rant space. One of my friends says he really keeps fighting in an empty room!Grin

Original poster
NewView · 23/10/2017 08:42

What do I do tomorrow wise people? He comes to give dc a lift to activity, arrives too early before they're ready and walks into my kitchen and makes himself a cup of tea. If I lock him out or refuse he will use it as a further sign of my instability and unreasonablenesss.
I feel like I can't win.

I am ignoring- I haven't replied. My fingers have nearly stopped twitching to text now!

OP posts:
horrayforharoldlloyd · 23/10/2017 08:45

One of tge problems I found was tgat somehow his lies in email would somehow become "fact" in the Court process because I didn't refute them. Solicitors and CAFCASS all said that a "normal" response would be for somebody to be outraged by the lies and refute them robustly. Sigh.

Hassled · 23/10/2017 08:47

You get the kids ready early too. So if he's meant to collect at 5.30 and you know he'll arrive at 5, have them ready for 5. He'll work out soon enough it's not worth coming early because there will be no opportunity to wind you up. If the DCs protest, well it's just because Dad likes to come early and we don't want to keep him waiting around, do we?

Bekabeech · 23/10/2017 08:48

He doesn't come into your house! That is perfectly reasonable, coming in is unsettling for the kids. You have the kids ready 1/2 hour early, bags just waiting by the door or even outside and push them out the moment you see him approach.
Yes it might be better for them not to be "waiting" behind the door, but this is better long term. You could even turn it into a game. Can they be out the door before he turns the engine off?

Original poster
NewView · 23/10/2017 08:51

It might be challenging- this child is the champion of procrastination, but I will try.

That's horrible Horray. I hadn't thought of that happening

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childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 23/10/2017 09:02

Horray - I know exactly what you mean. It is the incompetence of the family courts and cafcass, and indeed plenty of other professionals including supposedly qualified family lawyers, that they do not recognise nor understand what abuse looks like from a narcissist.

Do write to Womens Aid. I believe really strongly that this is the type of domestic abuse that they need to be highlighting as part of their campaigns. Sadly until people understand more, all of us will be disbelieved and treated as liars, despite any evidence that we might collate.

Gilead · 23/10/2017 09:36

Wouldn't it be a shame if you or your child lost the keys and the locks had to be changed...