Narcissistic Nearly ExH

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Realised my mistake. I was doing really well playing grey rock and I was nearly boring enought to be left in peace. But then he got a new gf and he is suddenly very fully of himself again.
I have had some really nasty texts from him today- where really he projects all of his bad behaviour onto me in a message that is full of lies and has had lots of input from new woman, because it is not how he would write normally.
A lot of it is in response to how I have tried to lay down a few much needed boundaries on both my lawyer's and counselor's advice.
I have not replied to last message- would like to just say Don't ever contact me again, but we have DC's and finances aren't sorted yet.
Fingers itching to just give him the character assassination he deserves, but there is no point, is there?
I know lots of you have dealt with this- what works best please?

Gosh this is giving me the chills. Just to say it would be normal for you to have changed the locks on your house after separation, by worrying about his views are you further enabling him?
Having just been told again by by stbxh that I forget everything, and that he's agreed with our son that I need therapy, I feel your pain and this thread has helped me too this morning. Thank you folks

He doesn't have a key, but kids are teenagers and not little so they let him in.
What lurking said- 'Abusing myself on his behalf' is about right I think and yes, I think in my efforts to keep things amicable for the dc s I have enabled him and it's now that I am trying to establish reasonable boundaries he is increasing his behaviour.

Proper- I'm glad you've found this helpful too. How despicable to talk to your son about that and then use him to get at you. I was constantly told how clumsy I was- and I was- always cutting myself, tripping, banging my head. Funnily enough, it stopped when he moved out.. I hope that your memory might recover the same and when you have less stress hanging over you. Or is your memory fine and it's just gaslighting on his part?

Yes, New you need to reestablish boundaries. Tell the teenagers that the house is your safe space and nobody crosses the threshold without your prior agreement, and that includes their father.
I am in the slightly more fortunate position (in a very odd way) of having a non molestation order in place as my children are officially adults. He still texts them on a fairly regular basis to say how awful I am and to complain about how poorly he's been treated. Forever the victim at the centre of dramas of his own creation.

Tell your Teens they need to be ready earlier. Even better why can't they get themselves to their activities?

I would talk to them very calmly - and explain that for your mental health you cannot have their father in the house. So they have to be ready and go when he arrives. He cannot wait in the house, he can't even come in to use the toilet. If necessary say you have been advised this on medical grounds.

To be honest when I give a lift to friends children I do not expect to go into their houses and make cups of tea while waiting. I wait at the door or for teens more likely sit in the car.

As for maintenance you need to get that on a formal basis, and if he messes around use the CSA.

They can't get themself anywhere due to where we live. That will change when the house sells. Absolutely what you say Beka I wouldn't either. He still regards this as his house and the using my stuff is him marking his territory.
I will make sure she is ready tomorrow so that I can scoot her out the door and wave her off with a smile😬

Good luck!

Thanks New and good luck to everyone struggling with this. As I said to my DM last night...he's not gonna get me down. I will be OK. X

Don't allow him into the house, he's using that purely to control you. You need to get the kids on board for this and tell them you're unhappy to have their dad come in, therefore they must be ready to go or not allow him in. Tough love, but it will have an effect pretty quickly.

Well mine kept his key too and swagger in and out doing his washing or picking (stealing) stuff.
Then one day he turned up extra early to drop DS off without warning me as usual and walked in on me and six foot two ex rugby player who made no effort to hide his contempt behind his manners and it stopped him dead.
So yes to being ready for him and also to not facing him without another adult present...

Slight fail- he got to my house before I got home from work and was already inside with dcs. But after being ignored for a few days he's back to being his most lovely version of himself. He just messes with my head. Still ignoring

Did you take that opportunity to tell him what your new boundaries are?
Did you tell your kids?

Why not add a bolt to your door so at least you can double-lock it when at home, so even if he uses his key he can't get in?

Bolt's a good idea. I was hoping to lay down practical boundaries rather than tell him verbally because when I tell him he totally ignores me and doesn't listen. Hence he still claims to not understand why we are splitting up.
I guess I am too grateful that he has stopped being horrible for a while...

I totally get where your coming from having gone through extremely acrimonious divorce from narc x. I'm still getting the control even now via CMS. It seems never ending.

Re the solicitors mine made out they understood how manipulative x was being and that they believed me but now I know they were taking me for a ride - used my depression and extreme emotional reaction to x,s tactics to their own advantage and let me down significantly

Child - I'm with you on raising the awareness - each incident on its own seems harmless but it's when you put them together the pattern emerges - and def agree do not let him in the house - he is showing complete contempt for you - don't fall for the niceties either this is just to get you to lower your guard so he can catch you out with something else

Perhaps I can borrow a 6ft plus rugby player somewhere....

One of tge problems I found was tgat somehow his lies in email would somehow become "fact" in the Court process because I didn't refute them. Solicitors and CAFCASS all said that a "normal" response would be for somebody to be outraged by the lies and refute them robustly. Sigh.
@horrayforharoldlloyd I'm interested in the above and where does the 'no contact' advice come from - is it WA.

I have continued to refute and challenge all emails sent by the x despite much advice on here to ignore. But I have also found that he refuses to acknowledge any email I send to him even if it is to do with kids & contact or concern for their mental wellbeing.

I have continued to try and co- parent although again I have been told I'm wasting my time and and it often feels like I am banging my head against a brick wall and no doubt is part of the reason for nearly heading into a full breakdown this past few weeks.

During the divorce I also noticed a pattern of communication with him and his solicitor where I would ask for something in relation to say financial disclosure - my emails would be ignored a few times and then they would send a fresh email which would imply they had sent it off their own backs.

I have recently come across an article on narcs and the silent treatment - this is what my x does with me - I believe he does this as an indication of his "no contact" as he has made out through various tactics that I am the one who is abusive and his "no contact" supports this.

However the fact that he is ignoring emails from me that can be backed up with information from CMS in relation to the maintenance he is paying and my claim that he is financially abusing me and in relation to my mental health due to my claim that he is still emotionally abusing me through manipulation and also the kids I would hope refutes this.

Yet again it appears that the courts and the legal profession are severly lacking in their understanding of abuse and as i have said in my case I actually felt that I was abused by my own legal representation by way of their behaviour to me in not believing what I was telling them, undermining me in their attitude that they knew better and by charging me extortionate fees before refusing to represent me any more when I started to ask too many questions that I believe highlighted their incompetence right from the start.

I was too emotionally vulnerable from the breakdown of my marriage and too trusting of the legal profession to challenge them sooner and their representation of me I believe led to me loosing the family home and coming out with a financial settlement that was heavily weighted in the x!s favour due to his lies and his manipulation of the facts which were supported by his solicitor

It's soul destroying isn't it green

op from bitter experience, if you haven't got your finances sorted yet then hold fire. Go back to grey rocking and defer replying when you feel angry. He'll be all nice again when new gf sees through annoys him so it can be exhausting if you over invest.

Wait til you have finances sorted then you can put down harder boundaries. As long as your DC are safe let him think he's winning his pathetic game. He's losing really, you know that.

And I wasn't being glib about having someone with you so you don't have to face him alone. I find it works, six foot or not. As long as they're 100% in your corner..

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2866348-Stock-phrases-for-dealing-with-narcissists

Lurking- thanks, I didn't think you were being glib. I just really enjoyed the mental image of an intrusive Ex being met by an imposing male on his old territory.
Seems to have gone quiet for now, but I still can't sleep.

I like this from the stock phrases thread you linked to Lurking:

From ThisIsTheRightTime
The most frequently used phrase in my case is "it's/that's your opinion" which in narcissist survivor language means "you're an absolute joke and an arsehole for believing your opinion has any relation whatsoever to the truth but I'm just giving you the impression that your words are like water off a duck's back whilst politely validating your right to expression".

Haha yes that's a good one. So true.

Sleep was the last thing to sort itself out I found. It's hard because they're so draining and the last thing you need is to feel wired as well. But it does get better if you stick to being boring.

I found writing things down helped and still helps loads. Gets it out of your head and avoids you saying it to them ie giving them ammunition.

They manage to make themselves important by abusing others and causing chaos. But really they're not these big monsters or mysterious beings. Just entitled, goal shifters with bad hardwiring. Pretty sad really. When you see past the crazy behaviour it's all pretty dull and lifeless in there.

The outofthefog website is useful if you know it.