My husband is mentally ill, it's all a mess - what would you do?

[pieceofpietuesday]

Been on here a long time but NC for obvious reasons...

I've been married for a year and a half. Before I married, my husband was ill - mental illness that means he sleeps most of the time, snaps at me regularly, and we have had sex 7 times since we married. I know none of this is his fault, and I knew he had these problems before we married.

We were together 2 years before we married, and i knew he had bouts of depression, but it was only weeks before the wedding he was actually off work and as bad as this. he hasnt gone back to work since the wedding. 1.5 years. He shows no signs of wanting to go back either. When he did work, he enjoyed his job. i earn more than he does, and i earn a decent amount, so we survive, but it's often tough some months, despite my working all hours to hold down a decent job in the background to all this.

i do everything around the house except cooking, which he usually does. a few weeks back, i ended up in hospital due to chest pain which was stress related - this is so unlike me - i love my career and my work but i was really struggling to cope.

6 months ago i broke down and told him i didnt know how i felt anymore..i said that we didnt have a relationship, and that is has been terrible since before we married. he agreed with me and said it was all his fault (i know it;s not actually 'his fault' in that he is unwell), and that he wanted to work on things. cue lots of date nights...plans...a holiday booked (all on my pay obviously), all of which i am only half-invested in. the passion, respect, fun had all gone.

now i have fallen for someone i work with (and have worked for and liked for many years, but he was attached). i have no idea if it's genuine given that my life is such a mess, but it certainly feels it. i have told them and they said i should work on my marriage, though i know that they feel the same way (i know that sounds arrogant but i mean you can just tell when there is chemistry). 2 weeks ago i told him how i felt and he said to get back to him if im ever single. it hurt so much but i know he is totally right, and it is the right way to approach it. whether or not my feelings for this man are genuine, or even if they are genuine are as real as i think they are, i cant ever tell until i am actually single. i realise that, but i needed to include this part so that i give the whole picture.

his mental health - i feel terrible for saying this, but it frustrates me that he can go with me to the cinema, go out to celebrate his birthday, come into town to meet me for lunch, yet cant go back to work?! am i being unfair? i have had mental health issues in the past - ive been in some dark places, but when that happens i dont discriminate between events i can or cant attend.... i just cant face the world full stop (granted i have never been so ill i havent been to work). but i cant imagine getting ready to go out and go for drinks ans dinner and then the next day claiming not to be able to work. am i missing something here? i know he is medically and clinically unwell - ive been to appointments with him etc, and it is a serious and horrible illness. but i am losing respect for him and i know it isnt his fault :(

i dont know what i am asking. my life is a total mess. i have always wanted a family and i cannot see myself having a child with him - it would be absolutely terrible. yet i want all that.

he is getting better. he is on new meds now. we chat more, i can see the old him coming back. but the problem is my feelings have changed - will they come back? i feel like the damage is done. not only has the last 2 years been awful, but i also have feelings for someone else. it's him i think about before i sleep, it's him i like to talk to (at work, we dont message outside of work, his decision). im well aware that these feelings may simply be a distraction, and no 'real life,' but nonetheless they are still there. i dont even talk to this man socially, but the point is i have felt for someone else who isnt my husband.

i feel so much pressure to 'keep up appearances,' as well. im 33 and we had a fantastic wedding with so many people there. i feel i have lied to people. i want to fix the marriage, but each day that goes by i think it isnt 'fixable,' despite him getting better. my feelings have changed. has anyone had experience of this? will the feelings come back? am i a terrible person to have changed feelings because of someone's mental health and the impact it has had? if he had broken his back for instance, i wouldnt have considered leaving would i.

i feel so mixed up and all i know for sure is that i dont feel the same about my husband as i did, and i dont know if that will change.

I think your marriage is over. Similar happened to me and I eventually left him. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I nearly caved a few times. But, ultimately, it was his behaviour after I left him that confirmed my decision. He was not the man I married but even so it took 5 years after separation for us to divorce. I met someone else, so did he and I'm happier, he's not.

You're going to have to be brave here I'm afraid.

So he cooks a bit, lives off your wages, doesn't have sex and likes going out with his mates?

That's just not a relationship. He's just living off your paycheck under the guise of 'a marriage'.

Good god, don't have kids. He's not yet a functioning adult, he isn't remotely strong enough for kids.

But, you can't shoulder his burden forever. It's so sad you're going to waste the best years of your life tipping money down the drain while he lives the life of Riley, avoiding housework and actual adult employment.

I was the one with (thankfully relatively short lived) mental health issues but with nasty physical side effects. I was falling down a black hole. DH last 3 months before losing his shit. He loved me but hated what the illness was doing to me. He couldn't help me if I wouldn't help myself and he couldn't stand by and watch. Knowing how much I was hurting him was worse than the hurt I was feeling myself. So I changed. I saw my GP, admitted my issues, got help, made myself a daily schedule, stuck to it, exercised, got my hair done. It was HARD, but gradually 'normal' became more normal. DH supported me. I haven't looked back.
Point is when you said "I'm not coping" you didn't need holidays or date nights. You needed him to fight with every fiber of his being to get well. Up the therapy sessions, be religious with the meds, take on more housework, taking on part time work or volunteering. Love is a two way street, loving someone is not sucking the other person dry especially if they say they are struggling. If I had ignored my DH and carried on my behaviour. I wouldn't have blamed him for leaving ultimately I would have dragged him down with me. Yes he promised me in sickness and in health but that didn't give me carte blanc to treat him badly and mental health does invariably negatively effect those you love because your thoughts and feelings totally eclipse anyone elses.
I think in your case it is too little too late. I think you need to have a frank conversation and then separate for a while (if not permanently). Give yourself a chance to get back on an even keel and re examine what you want from life. Maybe DH will change, maybe he won't. But if he won't change, how much more of your life will you sacrifice?

This will sound heartless, but my sister is mentally ill, and I think that my BIL should have left her years ago, and taken the kids. (Both my mother and I told him that we would be witnesses for him, that he should get full custody).

Watching the way my sister's mental illness has impacted her children has been heartbreaking. My BIL leads a shell of a life.

Honestly, I think it was a mistake for you to marry him, and staying to keep up appearances isn't going to make your life a happy one. He isn't capable of being a partner to anyone.

When you do untangle this, please take your relationships very, very slowly. Be picky. Don't settle again.

You seem very focused on his 'inability' to work. Disappointed with him. You are questioning why he can enjoy the good bits whilst contributing nothing. You have perhaps enabled him to wallow out of work. You say that he worked right up until the point the wedding was inevitable, no going back when there is literally only two or three weeks and it's all paid for. Boom.....he gives up work.

You think he is a freeloader. You know him better than any of us. But then you feel guilty because maybe he isn't and he is genuinely I'll. How can you kick a man when he's down? You are a good person, that's why you are loyal and you feel unease with facing the less than pleasant reality that your niggling fears could be right. When you have a dead limb you cut it off. It's no use to you. You can't make it work. Neither can you make him work. And if that leaves you feeling that you are being used, then trust that feeling, own it, it's yours, and be prepared to act on it.

Silly app *ill

thank you everyone

You have no kids. You don't really sound invested. Maybe you only wanted marriage for the party. You may as well leave. Marriages end for less these days when there are already kids involved. It's hardly going to get better, is it?

i dont know if it can get better. general consensus with friends is that where it feels broken in the first year, its unlikely to get better...

OP - I was depressed a few times in my life. Once, dealt with it with therapy. Once - when it was all the way and required prolonged medication.
I still forced myself to go to work - not going wasn’t an option - no one was going to feed/house me otherwise. But anything else social - nah. Had no interest.
Second time - same. The only social thing I made myself go to was my kid’s bday party. And I was in meds then.

I think - as long as you are around him - he can stay like this. Life isn’t that difficult - there is a roof and food. And entertainment.

For both of your sakes - you need to end this unhealthy dependency and take care of your lives.
Maybe a period of separation would make you miss him.
Maybe he’ll kick himself and feel better and come and try to woo you.
(Unlikely, but who knows)

But more importantly - you are too young to live like this. Full stop.

Bog off weirdo

I feel I might be your Ghost of Christmas Future. I have stayed with a partner with mental illness (periodic and fluctuating, but most importantly, recurring, however infrequently). We are not married, but own a house and have children. To me, if all that ties you formally to your DH is your marriage, it is a good thing, as should be easy to resolve, should you decide to leave.
I have stayed because, as previous posters have suggested, I have sincerely wanted to give it my best shot, and to give us both a chance to get it right, especially as DP has learned to manage his condition well (working, contributing equally to household chores and childcare, maintaining hobbies etc). I have also felt very guilty, and worried about DP's capacity to continue to live happily, should I leave. Everything you say resonates deeply.
I wonder if those who cite "in sickness" and suggest you would feel differently if your DH's ailment was purely physical, have ever experienced those prolonged periods of disengagement, snapping and rejection which go hand in hand with living with a depressed partner? The painstaking spontaneity-killing, forward planning involved in avoiding triggering flares of anxiety or PTSD? Even if your DH, like my DP, learns to manage their condition through therapeutic treatments and meds, there is always the dull anticipation of a possible relapse, of triggering anniversaries and events? I have cared long-term for terminally ill relatives and however gruelling, it is not a patch on the emotional toll of certain MH conditions.
What strikes me is the tone of the posts which emphasise the possibility of choosing joy and a future unencumbered by your DH's MH. There is a clarity and self-esteem to these posts which feels fresh and healthy to me.

thanks.

the love feels almost gone on my part, and i guess i am worried it just wont come back? and if it does, i feel i have strayed too far emotionally into feelings for someone else. i know they mat not be real in 'real life,' but it shows just how disconnected i am from my husband. can i get that back? i am more content and happy seeing this man for a brief chat at work, than i am seeing my husband. even if i nothing happened with this man at work (and i certainly dont intend on it while im married or at least not separated), then i would still feel there may be something better and perhaps would rather by alone than with someone i feel so indffierent to.

feels hard today