My husband is mentally ill, it's all a mess - what would you do?

[pieceofpietuesday]

Been on here a long time but NC for obvious reasons...

I've been married for a year and a half. Before I married, my husband was ill - mental illness that means he sleeps most of the time, snaps at me regularly, and we have had sex 7 times since we married. I know none of this is his fault, and I knew he had these problems before we married.

We were together 2 years before we married, and i knew he had bouts of depression, but it was only weeks before the wedding he was actually off work and as bad as this. he hasnt gone back to work since the wedding. 1.5 years. He shows no signs of wanting to go back either. When he did work, he enjoyed his job. i earn more than he does, and i earn a decent amount, so we survive, but it's often tough some months, despite my working all hours to hold down a decent job in the background to all this.

i do everything around the house except cooking, which he usually does. a few weeks back, i ended up in hospital due to chest pain which was stress related - this is so unlike me - i love my career and my work but i was really struggling to cope.

6 months ago i broke down and told him i didnt know how i felt anymore..i said that we didnt have a relationship, and that is has been terrible since before we married. he agreed with me and said it was all his fault (i know it;s not actually 'his fault' in that he is unwell), and that he wanted to work on things. cue lots of date nights...plans...a holiday booked (all on my pay obviously), all of which i am only half-invested in. the passion, respect, fun had all gone.

now i have fallen for someone i work with (and have worked for and liked for many years, but he was attached). i have no idea if it's genuine given that my life is such a mess, but it certainly feels it. i have told them and they said i should work on my marriage, though i know that they feel the same way (i know that sounds arrogant but i mean you can just tell when there is chemistry). 2 weeks ago i told him how i felt and he said to get back to him if im ever single. it hurt so much but i know he is totally right, and it is the right way to approach it. whether or not my feelings for this man are genuine, or even if they are genuine are as real as i think they are, i cant ever tell until i am actually single. i realise that, but i needed to include this part so that i give the whole picture.

his mental health - i feel terrible for saying this, but it frustrates me that he can go with me to the cinema, go out to celebrate his birthday, come into town to meet me for lunch, yet cant go back to work?! am i being unfair? i have had mental health issues in the past - ive been in some dark places, but when that happens i dont discriminate between events i can or cant attend.... i just cant face the world full stop (granted i have never been so ill i havent been to work). but i cant imagine getting ready to go out and go for drinks ans dinner and then the next day claiming not to be able to work. am i missing something here? i know he is medically and clinically unwell - ive been to appointments with him etc, and it is a serious and horrible illness. but i am losing respect for him and i know it isnt his fault :(

i dont know what i am asking. my life is a total mess. i have always wanted a family and i cannot see myself having a child with him - it would be absolutely terrible. yet i want all that.

he is getting better. he is on new meds now. we chat more, i can see the old him coming back. but the problem is my feelings have changed - will they come back? i feel like the damage is done. not only has the last 2 years been awful, but i also have feelings for someone else. it's him i think about before i sleep, it's him i like to talk to (at work, we dont message outside of work, his decision). im well aware that these feelings may simply be a distraction, and no 'real life,' but nonetheless they are still there. i dont even talk to this man socially, but the point is i have felt for someone else who isnt my husband.

i feel so much pressure to 'keep up appearances,' as well. im 33 and we had a fantastic wedding with so many people there. i feel i have lied to people. i want to fix the marriage, but each day that goes by i think it isnt 'fixable,' despite him getting better. my feelings have changed. has anyone had experience of this? will the feelings come back? am i a terrible person to have changed feelings because of someone's mental health and the impact it has had? if he had broken his back for instance, i wouldnt have considered leaving would i.

i feel so mixed up and all i know for sure is that i dont feel the same about my husband as i did, and i dont know if that will change.

cant even imagine kids at this stage.

everything just feels shit. head spinning every night.

Well you need to do whats best for yourself if that means leaving so be it but I hope if you ever become ill that your partner doesn't walk away because it becomes hard.

(looking at you ex friend who left her partner because he was diagnosed with serious cancer as she didn't want to support someone who was ill and then years later she was diagnosed with something equally serious and her partner left her and was moaning to everyone how horrible a person he was and she didn't like to be remained that she herself did the exact same thing years previously

worriedmum, i know that i married him in sickness and in health. i cant help that my feelings have changed though. i want them to come back but they just arent.

One the one hand, this sounds absolutely awful for both of you and if you want to leave then I would leave. Don't be worrying about which branch you're going to grab on to before you let go of this one. Do it because you don't want to be with him, not because you are interested in someone else. Don't pin your future on someone you've never even been out socially with. You don't really know him.

On the flip side, if your husband had cancer and felt too sick to work, would you criticise them for wanting to go out and do normal things when possible? It's very important for people with mental illness to maintain some elements of a normal life, locking himself indoors for two years would only lead to many more problems. Going out for a meal is not the same as working, mentally or physically.

I had to stop working years ago due to physical health issues. I still can and do go outside, and do normal things when I can. The problem is that I can't do that reliably or consistently and I can't predict it so holding down a job isn't possible. Maybe I would be up to a trip to the cinema today, but then tomorrow I can't move. Maybe I could work today but then am too exhausted to work for three more days. Which employer would ever be happy with that? You really can't compare the two.

Forget about this other man, it’s just your brain trying to find ways to distract you from stress or alleviate it because you won’t face the inevitable. This thing with your husband has gone too far now to go back, maybe if you split up and went back to basics it might but not while you live together.

Tell him you want a trial separation and he’ll have to move out or you leave and let him take on the house.

Don’t have babies with him, this’ll probably never go away.

OP, can you separate your relationship from your DH's illness? What would it be like if he went back to work?

I totally understand about your feelings of guilt. I am currently splitting up with my DH, he has very poor vision and has a lot of health issues on top of this. We finally no longer have as many money worries as we used to, DH runs his own succesful business, so we now both have decent incomes, but the relationship has not improved, and our attempts to work on it were half-hearted. Our relationship problems are not as tied to my DHs eyesight and health problems as I thought they were. I saw a counsellor for a while as I was very confused, and it really helped me get my head in order. I was very stressed with managing everything in the home and for years being the breadwinner. I have been unhappy for years, I put far more into the relationship than I get out of it.

I am sure your DH would not want you to stay with him out of pity, he would want you to stay because you love him

So do find the money to see a counsellor.

The thing with living with a depressive is that it's almost like you can 'catch' it, and it has an insidious and damaging impact on your own mental health too. You need to separate, or try to, your feelings of guilt from your own unhappiness. At the moment it seems as though whenever you try to focus on your own well-being and nourishment you get distracted by guilt that being married to this man is, in fact, making you unhappy. Do you think that if you 'fix' him, you'll be fixed too, and all the lovely feelings will come back again? Because it's very unlikely that you will ever be able to provide that fix that he needs. You're young, and there are things that you want from life, and they're no less important simply because the man you're with is unable to provide those things or foster a relationship in which they'd be possible in the future (children, for example).

I know exactly what you mean about the embarrassment of it all after your big wedding. But that's really no reason to keep going at something that is making you miserable. It is far braver to admit to a mistake than tie yourself to it forever for fear of acknowledging that it's no longer the right thing for you.

Can you leave, or would he have to? If I were you I'd be initiating a break now and getting some head space so that you can focus on what you want and need without being overwhelmed by his wants and needs. It may very well not be his fault that he is the way that he is, and you're very anxious to remind yourself of that all the way through your opening post. But it's not your fault either, and you have just as much right to a happy and fulfilling relationship as anyone else.

You've said it yourself the damage is done, I don't think you can get those feelings back, at least not in my experience, once its done its done.

Perhaps give yourself a time frame - 6 months? Have a really clear discussion with your DH, ensure you both go to counselling and if things haven't improved after 6 months then agree to go your separate ways. Is your being in his life actually helping your DH? It sounds as though he isn't that bothered about you?

Sadly, you can't 'fix it' for someone else and being in such a difficult situation will only drag you down as well.

Why don’t you seperate op. Start dating again. Maybe it’s the boot up the bum he needs to sort himself out.

Your posts read that there is a lethargy as well as illness here, and the lethargy could be part of the illness, but even if he gets better he will never fully recover and a relapse is always possible.

It’s hard, but I think I would leave, and then maybe date him or others and see how you feel. You’ve only one crack at life and this is no way to spend it.

If you were Twenty years down the line with this man I’d prob give it more time, but I think you’ve done your bit, your feelings will likely not return.

You really do seem very career driven.
You keep mentioning about him not working and that you wish he would. But then you also say that even when you were feeling down/depressed you never had time off work. So, in this respect, I don't think you'll ever be compatible unless, god forbid, it happens to you. Which I truly hope it doesn't.

I also think that you need to actually sit down and talk to your husband. You may never get the love back in the same incarnation that it once was but you may get a different kind of love. It may be romantic or it may be platonic but you'll never know unless you start properly communicating with him.

Hi Piece - has he had CBT or EMDR for his trauma? Have you been to any appointments with him to see if there is potentially more improvements to come with regard to his mental health.
What is he actually doing in the day - do you know. He should be able do something eg do some washing a bit of cleaning making your dinner? I don't want to be harsh but he may need a kick up the bottom.
He could start doing some voluntary work a couple of hours - go out for a walk - just try and get some structure to his week.

What was his pre-morbid personality like ( before he got ill). Did he have a healthy childhood as this can affect the recovery of his trauma.
He needs access to therapy - you could go and see a systemic family therapy together - they look at systems within family's/couples. Sometimes we the partner are doing things that we feel are helpful , kind & supportive but we can be hindering the process.
However given all this - you don't need to stay with him. It's your life too.

i also fear this could happen again and again down the years...
Chances are, it will. I wouldn't lose any time worrying what other people might think, fretting about the fact that you had a fantastic wedding etc. I would also stop feeling guilty because he has depression. Try to imagine yourself five years down the line without your inner voice telling you that you should stick to your wedding vows: where do you want to be? Can you imagine yourself being happy with him? Would he be happy with you? Would you still love each other?
It's true that maybe you won't get the old love you had back. Would you be fine with a different kind of love? A PP mentioned platonic love: do you think you would be okay with that, for example?
Personally, I know what I would do. I would have a very frank, open talk with him, admitting to my feelings about the other man, the fact that you have lost respect for him etc. I would then set a time frame for a trial separation, say 3 months. The reason I would do this is that he sounds like he's lost his motivation to live his own life, you go out to work and take care of all financial worries as if he were a child. This in itself must have a very negative impact on his MH, especially because he enjoyed work.

Honestly, stop over thinking this half to death. You're not suited to each other and your marriage is a nightmare. Get out. Now. And then start over. You will be very happy you did.

I'd suggest trial separation while you both try to sort yourselves out (but not dating!).

I can hear the agonising in your posts and it is important to talk to him, tell him you have had enough, tell him everything. You were prepared for marriage and the ups and downs, but there are no ups and no prospect of ever having them at the moment. A trial separation and some counselling might be an idea. In your own mind you need to know you did everything you could to give the marriage a chance.

You can not continue to support a man that is this ill, and sacrifice your own life and the potential joy a family would bring, and the carefree happiness that we should all experience before we are old and frail.

I am afraid that if you don't leave you will start to really resent him for your lost youth and chances. Life is too short but do things as kindly and as patiently as you can.

Don't let people make you feel guilty about how you feel.

I just can't imagine being able to respect a man who has essentially become dependant on me.

I've also found that the depression in turn can affect the partner and lead to other conditions, including anxiety, palpitations and stress.

It drags you down in the end. I'm surprised his job is still open to return to after this length of time.

How would you bring a child into the world, who would have to deal with this from the get go. I personally think it's a huge burden and is sure to affect their childhood.

I see that your feelings have changed and even if he suddenly got better, the damage is done.

In the end it's kinder to call time on the marriage, if you really truly can't get the love back.

I'd hate my DH to be with me out of guilt.

It begs the question, why do people get married? I mean presumably she loved her DH enough to marry him then things get tough and this other guy is in the spotlight.... I just think people are chasing 'The One' all the time. There can't be that many people who are coerced into marriage surely so presumably at the time, at some point, their fiancé was 'The One'?

Sometimes it's ok to put yourself first. It's ok to say that however much it's his illness and it's not his fault you don't want it ruining your life either. You need to do what is best for you

I think he has kind of killed the love. You hold responsibility also for allowing things to deteriorate to this point.

Seems like you've had your head turned so you might as well brace yourself to end your marriage.

There are no kids so that's one good thing. The other good thing is his MH is on the mend and he has to do that for himself not you otherwise he'll never beat mental illness.

Hi. I am in a not so different situation. My husband has pretty severe ADHD which has caused him to flounder career wise and he has ended up being a stay at home dad for the last few years and hasn't worked. I'm very worried about how he's going to reestablush work. Have had very, very dark moments like yours lying in bed at night and thinking it's all a mess and I might have to leave. To be honest we're not out of it -- BUT we did seek counseling and it's evolved into him seeing the therapist every 2 weeks; he got properly diagnosed and has meds that work. We are seeing some glimmers of hope after a very rough time (I work all hours in a demanding job so like you I feel our lives are poles apart). Of course only you can decide but I'd urge you not to give up. Agree with others that the other guy is a distraction. Someone like that almost always enters right on cue (such a person did for me too) - but it's not really about him as I think you can see. It really can get better with your husband. Hang in there. Also, find some counseling or other support for YOU if you can. This is something I'm still not there with.

It doesn’t sound like there will be a quick fix for your DH and given your age and the fact you want children, I think I would leave him. It would be a nightmare to bring a child into this relationship. As other posters have said, if you had been together years and years and already got children then it would be worth giving it more time and energy but your heart isn’t in it so you shouldn’t stay.

Pm me x

How long were you totogetherefore you married? What was your relationship experience before him.

If your dh isn't trying to help himself then that's something that will drive you apart.