NC for this to try to be fully objective.
I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant by a man I love very much. We aren't together and I'm missing him every day and feel like I'm missing out on all the special moments this pregnancy together.
Unfortunately we aren't together because he has trust issues after being cheated on in the past. I have never cheated on anybody so it's devastating for me that we aren't together due to him accusing me of things that aren't true.
I became pregnant completely by surprise - didn't think I could conceive due to endometriosis and other issues. I also took the morning after pill and was scanned very early in the pregnancy due to the risk of it being ectopic. All I could think was how much I wanted the baby to be okay and thankfully it is.
At first he wanted the baby and was really supportive. Came to an early scan and started to make plans with me. Then suddenly his head freaked out and I got the usual horrible accusations about cheating again. A few weeks later, around 9 weeks, he decided he wanted me to have a termination. I wanted to meet up to discuss this properly but he refused so I wasn't going to make a decision like that based on some ranty texts from him. Apparently I should have known that he wanted me to have one earlier. I want this baby but wanted to have an open, mature conversation about things. To be fair, he has a teenage son from a previous relationship where the pregnancy was a surprise too. He adores his son and, from from what I saw, is a great dad but I appreciate that it seems like history repeating itself. He's a man who is very scarred by his past.
When we are together we get on so well. It's easy and intimate and relaxed and fun. But as soon as we are apart the problems start and he can be so vicious in what he says. He feels that he'll 'never be enough' for me so I understand this is from low self esteem due to his ex cheating and I'm bearing the brunt of it.
Why can't I cut him off and see I'm better off without him? I'm genuinely devastated as I've seen the nice, warm, caring, lovely side to him. When I had a bad cough (I'm asthmatic) he actually rocked me to sleep one night and really took care of me.
I feel like I've been conditioned to loving people who can't or won't love me back. My mother - who now has Alzheimer's and whom I spend a week every month caring for in my home country - gave us a lot of emotional abuse as children because she struggled with the fact that our dad loved us so much and she used to accuse us from a very young age of trying to break up their marriage. So I've also been brought up trying to placate and please someone who can never be satisfied. I know there are strong links to what's happening now...particularly the false accusations and wanting love from someone who won't give it. Also, because I'm pregnant and thinking about motherhood, this is all going round and round in my mind.
I miss him so much and I feel so alone. I have to move house next week and will be facing that on my own - it's not the physical side of that that worries me because I can hire someone to help, but the emotional side - it just seems so grim and lonely. He's ignoring me right now. He suggested meeting a couple of weeks ago - we did and it was lovely being together as usual but then the madness, accusations, horrible comments and broken plans happened again.
I'm feeling so fragile right now and I'm worried about when the baby comes. I'm going to counselling here in the UK and in my home country but I'm just overwhelmed, lonely and really need some kindness right now.