Pregnant, lonely and head racing

[Nadeynoo]

NC for this to try to be fully objective.

I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant by a man I love very much. We aren't together and I'm missing him every day and feel like I'm missing out on all the special moments this pregnancy together.

Unfortunately we aren't together because he has trust issues after being cheated on in the past. I have never cheated on anybody so it's devastating for me that we aren't together due to him accusing me of things that aren't true.

I became pregnant completely by surprise - didn't think I could conceive due to endometriosis and other issues. I also took the morning after pill and was scanned very early in the pregnancy due to the risk of it being ectopic. All I could think was how much I wanted the baby to be okay and thankfully it is.

At first he wanted the baby and was really supportive. Came to an early scan and started to make plans with me. Then suddenly his head freaked out and I got the usual horrible accusations about cheating again. A few weeks later, around 9 weeks, he decided he wanted me to have a termination. I wanted to meet up to discuss this properly but he refused so I wasn't going to make a decision like that based on some ranty texts from him. Apparently I should have known that he wanted me to have one earlier. I want this baby but wanted to have an open, mature conversation about things. To be fair, he has a teenage son from a previous relationship where the pregnancy was a surprise too. He adores his son and, from from what I saw, is a great dad but I appreciate that it seems like history repeating itself. He's a man who is very scarred by his past.

When we are together we get on so well. It's easy and intimate and relaxed and fun. But as soon as we are apart the problems start and he can be so vicious in what he says. He feels that he'll 'never be enough' for me so I understand this is from low self esteem due to his ex cheating and I'm bearing the brunt of it.

Why can't I cut him off and see I'm better off without him? I'm genuinely devastated as I've seen the nice, warm, caring, lovely side to him. When I had a bad cough (I'm asthmatic) he actually rocked me to sleep one night and really took care of me.

I feel like I've been conditioned to loving people who can't or won't love me back. My mother - who now has Alzheimer's and whom I spend a week every month caring for in my home country - gave us a lot of emotional abuse as children because she struggled with the fact that our dad loved us so much and she used to accuse us from a very young age of trying to break up their marriage. So I've also been brought up trying to placate and please someone who can never be satisfied. I know there are strong links to what's happening now...particularly the false accusations and wanting love from someone who won't give it. Also, because I'm pregnant and thinking about motherhood, this is all going round and round in my mind.

I miss him so much and I feel so alone. I have to move house next week and will be facing that on my own - it's not the physical side of that that worries me because I can hire someone to help, but the emotional side - it just seems so grim and lonely. He's ignoring me right now. He suggested meeting a couple of weeks ago - we did and it was lovely being together as usual but then the madness, accusations, horrible comments and broken plans happened again.

I'm feeling so fragile right now and I'm worried about when the baby comes. I'm going to counselling here in the UK and in my home country but I'm just overwhelmed, lonely and really need some kindness right now.

Oh goodness you are spending a lot of energy working out his reasons for treating you badly. But it isn't your job to explain and fix him. He's going to be a father and he needs to figure that out. You aren't a therapy exercise and his baby deserves someone who's figuring out responsibility.
Your dm is not a useful birth partner. You need to stop pleasing grown ups. There's a baby who needs all your attention and you need your mental energy for them.
Who else can be your birth partner? Someone who gives a tiny shite about you?

Tuileries I know exactly where you're coming from. I have an understanding of what my mother was going through now I'm an adult but being blamed for my parents' relationship problems from three onwards- that I can remember - really made me feel that there's something fundamentally wrong with me. And he knows this - and still makes up lies about things I've supposedly done.

Cricrichan Yes, no transparency here either. Fine for him to be silent for hours/days but not me. I once went back to sleep for an hour after deciding to work from home and woke up to the most awful texts I've ever received. We were supposed to be going to a gig that night that I really wanted to go to but I gave my tickets away because he wouldn't go with me.

I've said to him that if he'd been cold and unkind and uncaring from the very start I wouldn't have been interested at all. But I can see past that to the insecurity and fear....and feel horrible that he doesn't want me.

I know how stupid I sound but I need to be honest about how I'm feeling.

being blamed for my parents' relationship problems from three onwards- that I can remember - really made me feel that there's something fundamentally wrong with me
And right there is your pointer to what you need to do. Bring a baby into a secure, happy one parent family or a war zone of angst and fear lasting into their adult relationships...

Grocklebocs Yes you're right about my mother not being a useful birth partner! If she doesn't get her own way all hell breaks loose - especially now - so I will have to make her think she is part of it somehow, or the baby will be born into a warring family! I won't be in the same house as my parents which is good.

She does have a good friend, who is very understanding, who might agree to take her out on a shopping trip for the day if I give her the nod when I go into labour.

I'm very much a carer for my parents so I'd love my ex to step up and take care of me.

My mother was jealous of my relationship with my father, too.

You need to take care of yourself and stop worrying about him and your mother. Easier said than done, I know.

He isn't going to though :( You've built your life around being their punchbag and now you have to consider a new person.
You can say "No. I have new priorities. Find someone else to give". It won't be pretty but it will feel vital when you meet your baby.

Tuileries thank you for sharing that. It's a strange way to grow up, isn't it? My brother was on the receiving end of it too but not from as young an age as me. I think I'm accustomed to being accused of things I didn't do so it's not as shocking as it should be to me.

Grocklebocs Yes, you're right. Being a mum will come first, ahead of being a daughter and I have spoken to my dad and brother about this. The Alzheimer's doesn't help things as she isn't a well woman now, so coping strategies do work well for us all.

I remember being very young and saying I wanted to marry my dad. My mother was really unhappy about it. She saw me as a threat. Sometimes I felt like an OW.

I always worried I might feel this way about my own daughter if I were to have had one with my ex. But I can't really imagine being jealous of my own daughter.

You sound very emotionally intelligent and self-aware but I think people who have had experiences like ours have blockages and blindspots in certain areas.

Alzheimer's is very tough to deal with. Have you found it's changed her personality?

Nadeynoo he does sound manipulative and emotionally abusive. The love bombing then cold cruelty, making you walk on eggshells, the blaming others (ex girlfriends) for his behaviour, all of it. Read up about the red flags of emotional abuse. What you need is counselling to make you see that you are worth much much more than this. When you have been brought up by someone who has been emotionally abusive and had love withheld from you you crave any attention and come to believe that your not worth anymore than the scraps you are being given. If you can access it please try and see a counsellor/psychotherapist who will help you rebuild your self esteem. You and your baby will be very much better off without him in your lives and the big thing to think about here is that you don't want your child being treated to the same hot and cold treatment he has seen fit to mete out to you. Please don't fool yourself that he won't.

Tuileries It's totally normal for small children to say that. I remember spilling a drink accidentally on my mother and she told me I did it on purpose to ruin her dress for my father She said this in front of him and he was really upset with her which made her more angry with me. It took me a long time to make my peace with it and a long time to like myself.

I know I have my faults - everyone does - but they definitely aren't the ones he accuses me of.

The Alzheimer's has really made her distrust my father - she even takes keys off him - and her temper is even more volatile than it used to be. But she seems to like me more these days and see me as an ally

Redastherose thank for for that. I know he intends to be there for the baby and I've been how he is with his son. He is able to love his son completely and is always there for him.

Just me/women he seems to distrust.

*I've seen how he is with his son, not been!

Again, thanks everyone for being so kind tonight. I really appreciate it. I've felt so down and alone that I couldn't haven taken harsh responses

Nadeynoo - although mine loves our kids, he's not a great father. He tries to buy them by buying them stuff they don't need instead of doing things that are beneficial for them. My.eldest daughter has started calling him out on stuff as she can see through some of the stuff and his response to her isn't great. The only reason why it doesn't affect them too much is because he does very little childcare.

You need to think about this clearly.

Ok he may have trust issues. He may have been treated badly.

that does not make it ok to insult you, rant at you, be vicious or abusive

He feels a negative emotion - it is entirely his choice what he does with that.

He could simply say to you ‘I am feeling insecure/jealous, I think it is because of x’ then you could have a conversation like adults.

He has tried to make you have an abortion by ‘ranting’ at you. How would you feel if you have a daughter and a man speaks to her like that one day. Would you sit and listen to her tell you ‘oh well it’s because he was hurt in the past’ and say to her ‘ok dd, poor him, you just keep being nice and maybe he’ll come round’

of course you wouldn’t. Because you would be able to see clearly that he is just behaving in an abusive and aggressive fashion. Please don’t excuse this man’s behaviour. Why he feels jealous/insecure is just not relevant. It is not enough to say that he feels those negative emotions therefore him taking it out on you is understandable.

Say I’m really pissed off because I’ve dropped the shopping and smashed all my eggs. It makes me feel anger, so I turn round and punch my husband. That’s not ok, so nor is verbally punching you because his ex was a twat (if indeed she was).

Don’t teach your child to feel so little self respect that they will be someone else’s punching bag.

He does sound abusive OP - I made the mistake of being to understanding - making allowances for their behaviour. It's no way to treat someone you love is it.
Yes he says his wife cheated on him - you are not her are you.
Is he a good father - was he around when his son was growing up -
Maybe he was like this with his ex wife? Maybe that's why she went off with someone else.
Are there any other red flags? There's a thread on relationships called "the abusers"profile" I think. Or google it - see if he ticks anymore boxes.
What was his childhood like - that could tell you something.
You can't fix him - you will never satisfy his needs - you shouldn't be under this kind of stress - your not answerable to him - "setting your alarm clock every 10 mins to respond to him". - it's the way to madness isn't it?
Protect your self and your unborn child. Have you thought of therapy to help you through this. Have you got any friends to confide in?
Put yourself first - it will hurt to separate but it sounds like it's best for YOUR mental health.

Hi the thread in relationships for you to look at is "right listen up everybody" x

How has your morning been?

He is abusive. It really doesn’t matter why he acts like this, or what his previous problems are, he is being abusive. It will not get any better, however much you want it to.

Afternoon! Appreciate all the responses and thanks for checking in on me Tuileries.

Head still spinning today, trying to reconcile all this. Have started to pack for the move which is both a distraction and making me feel sad. But I just have to get on with it.

Sorry for resurrecting my thread from last week but I'm feeling really, really down and low today. Had an emotional weekend with the move - it's just a temporary one - so that's probably part of why I'm feeling so unsettled.

Had a scary moment Wednesday eve when some movers came to take some of my things back to my home country. The parking outside isn't ideal and they had to cope with some angry drivers so I ended up bringing down my things to the lorry. I didn't have a lot but I felt like I'd pulled or strained something and was worried for a day or two.

I also stupidly contacted my ex - was feeling alone and down - and I got told to f*ck off, that 'entrapment isn't nice' and that I deserve everything I get. Then he blocked me. I know, logically, it's best not to be in contact with him at all now, but I'm just so hurt and upset and feel like it's somehow all my fault.

Looking for a handhold from some wiser minds than mine today! Will post in the lone parents forum for some practical advice too.

I also stupidly contacted my ex - was feeling alone and down - and I got told to fck off, that 'entrapment isn't nice' and that I deserve everything I get. Then he blocked me. I know, logically, it's best not to be in contact with him at all now, but I'm just so hurt and upset and feel like it's somehow all my fault.*

Oh FFS, what an absolute dickhead. I'm so sorry you have to share air with somebody like that. You know it's not your fault.

Holding your hand today. I have to go to work now but I'll be back to check in later. Try to do something lovely for you today - you deserve it. xx