DH says I am a minion to this woman

[Salvatoreseraphino]

I'm 35, currently a SAHM with 4 DC (all under 6.)

Before I had DC I used to work for a charity run by a very strong, successful woman who I admire very much. She is nearly 70, unmarried, with grown up children of her own.

I got to know her (will call her A) quite well but not as a close friend, just from work. She also took me on from university and I was there my whole working life.

Since having DC and having to stop work I have kept in contact with her and still go to work-related events and deal with work-related issues when I have the time. The charity and the people in it still constitute the main part of my social life, and free time (away from the DC and DH,) as I don't see it as just a job that I should let go of. The charity world is not like that.

Sometimes when they need me I do end up going back into work mode and resuming my job sometimes. And on some level I want it, but like to be able to dip in and out and take on my old role when I have time and leave it when I don't. Obviously I don't get paid for this, or for the hours I put in to help, as I don't officially work there anymore.

Unlike other sectors there is always a great need to do more, even if the basics are met, so even though I have been officially replaced in my job by someone else , there is still stuff that needs to be done.

For me working for the charity, even on a voluntary basis is important for those it benefits, and it has loads of perks, it's incredibly interesting, means I get to meet lots of interesting people too. And I know it so well - I worked there since university, so 15 years. Also because A runs it, she is very successful and inspiring and I have had lots of opportunities through the charity that I have not been able to have in other parts of life, especially as a mother of 4 where my daily life is quite monotonous.

A also asks me to give advice to her friends regarding my specialist area ( law), so I do give a lot of advice for free, or find myself spending a whole afternoon with a different charity run by another friend of A's giving them free advice - which I don't mind and it allows me to flex my intellect as the children grow up.

DH says that A condescends me, takes advantage of my willingness to help, and says that i am deferent and compliant around her. He says that in return she now gets the role I was previously doing, for free, for her friends as well, and does not pay me. And worst of all, he says, she does not even treat me like her friend after all these years. He says she treats me as staff, and that I delude myself thinking I am her friend, or that she and I are equals and she needs me. And that I should have some respect for myself and live a more realistic life with the DC and him and not go to any more events or work for free.

I am very confused about this because I do know that I am very drawn to older women because my DM died when I was a toddler. I am always searching for the elusive mother figure and maybe I have attached something maternal to A who is a very strong, admirable, successful older woman, who I feel has to some extent taken me under her wing. I have done this in the past with other older women, but I don't necessarily see it as a problem for me.

If I am very honest with myself, there is part of me, I think, which would quite like to be more of her friend than she allows, perhaps talk about more general things rather than work and know each other's lives better, or her to know my DC better, or to have more of a "mother/daughter" dynamic after all these years,for eg I have never been invited for dinner at her house and she has dinner parties all the time. I have invited her to mine but she always declines, mainly because of geography and because she is busy. But I don't waste time mulling over this, or resenting it not happening or pushing to make it happen. And I am quite happy with my situation, and the level at which A regards me. DH would argue that I wait like a little minion to be called or asked to help and then I drop everything in the hope of approval from "mummy."

To be even more honest, I do think some of my self esteem rests in being needed by her or performing a function for her. There is something about the relationship that makes me feel secure. DH always knows when I receive an email from her as he says my face "lights up." I'm aware that sounds a bit weirdly romantic, but it's not. And if it's not causing me any harm, surely it is okay?

My loyalty and voluntary work for her does not get in the way of family life or caring for the DC. DH says it Has an impact on the family because I am giving my time and not getting anything back. Not even friendship. But isn't that what charity work is anyway? And if I enjoy it and being around thsee people, surely that would be like a hobbie anyway?

Can anyone relate? What do you think? Do I sound crazy?

[Flowershower]

I don't think your DH is being controlling, I think he's trying to get you to wake up to the fact that you're being used. But it's simple to tell - if you were using the time that you spend doing free work for A to do something fun for you - meeting friends, going to the gym, shopping, a club...would your DH have a problem with it? I suspect not, I think he sees you being continually disappointed that you're not getting what you hope for from A despite you being at her beck and call.
You sound like you have the beginnings of a brilliant part time career though, so definitely consider taking the advice upthread and setting up as a freelancer.
I also thought 'what about indemnity' - are you insured for this work you're doing for free? It sounds like you're paying to work, not just volunteering (indemnity/babysitter/transport etc) which just doesn't really seem right.

[davidbyrneswhitesuit]

I also worried about indemnity insurance straight away...and have you kept up your practising certificate? You really can't be giving anything out that looks remotely like legal advice while you're in this position, OP.

I agree with others that it might be time to consider freelance

[MyDearAnnie]

Sadly, I suspect the friendship will run its course very quickly once the OP goes freelance and starts charging for her services though.

I agree with posters upthread who say A is probably aware of what is going on and keeps the OP around, but at a distance, for her own benefit.

Once that benefit (free legal work) stops, she'll have no reason to continue it.

[Butterymuffin]

Even if it's making you happy, you are clearly aware that on some level this isn't giving you what you want, although it has moments of great satisfaction and fulfilment. It's worryingly like an abusive relationship in that sense.

As others have said, it seems like something you should move into doing more professionally and earn by it. And I would think about looking for a counsellor who you can talk through your feelings about losing your mum and wanting a mother figure with.

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

I don’t think the Op is coming back.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

I was under the impression that this was a working relationship that the op would love to take further but A is quite content with using the op and not giving anything back

[NinonDeLenclos]

I can't really get my head round posters who think that the way DH spoke to her was ok. Although to be fair, some women on here have quite low expectations of men.

The idea that her place is in the home with DH and kids is stultifying.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

So how is the dh supposed to tell the op that she is being used.

If you saw your husband/wife/partner being taken advantage of would you sit back and not say anything whilst they do stuff that left the family home and everything that you had both worked for in danger of being taken away because they.were working without pay and insurance because they had developed a crush on their former boss and the boss knew they just had to click their fingers and they would go running.

[Impostress99]

* because they had developed a crush on their former boss and the boss knew they just had to click their fingers and they would go running*

Please take care with this sort of language. Everyone has their vulnerabilities. The op has hers. We all do. She might still well be reading. Maternal absence is a complex and longstanding matter for those who experience it, and the feelings associated can be powerful and difficult. It can render even the most confident and outstanding overachieving people soft and vulnerable in places. Reducing things we may not fully understand to the simplistic language of “has developed a crush” and describing complex responsible adults as someone running after the clicking of fingers is insulting and can be very difficult to cope with for someone feeling vulnerable. It does not hurt to take care about the words we use.

[RidingWindhorses]

So how is the dh supposed to tell the op that she is being used

Politely, tactfully and respectfully. And not tell her she should basically be staying at home to look after the children.

[SandyY2K]

Good Lord.....

70 is old. I used 'old' as an adjective. People should focus on the issue, rather than disect my post.

If someone refers to me by my colour, (I.e. the black lady on the chair) I don't call then racist ... .. It's descriptive

Age is relevant here, as it's the mother figure that draws the OP to her.

[Bruceishavingfish]

Where does it say the dh thinks her place is in the home?

He says she shouldnt be doing it for free. Not that she cant work.

The realistic comment is most probably because the Ops view of the relationship is not whats actually happening. The op isnt being realistic about this woman.

The rest of what he says sounds fairly factual from the Ops perspective.

Or have i missed something?

[SandyY2K]

I expect her DH has tried the tactful approach and it got nowhere. I doubt this is the first time he's mentioned it after so long.

I saw it more As, him telling hee that A treats her like a minion.

[Allthebestnamesareused]

Please do not give legal advice unless you still hold a practising certificate.

You can still be sued for negligent advice even if you do not charge for it.

You are putting yourself and your family assets at risk by doing so.

You do so because you are a nice person and want to help the charity and the woman in question. I am afraid, however, that you are being taken for a mug by them - why would they pay if you'll do it for free?

I would suggest that you do it on a freelance basis, or a retainer basis and that you make sure you have a practising certificate and relevant pi insurance.

[RidingWindhorses]

And that I should... live a more realistic life with the DC and him

DH says it Has an impact on the family because I am giving my time and not getting anything back

She clearly gets a great deal from it, so that's not for him to say.

[Bruceishavingfish]

It is having an impact on the family and she isnt getting what she wants out of it. Emotionally investing in someone and not getting anything (emotionally) back leads to lots of problems.

And again, i would be annoyed if dh found loads of time to do work that wasnt paid while i was financially responsible for the family.

It would really bother me, if on top of that, dh was being used and desperate for a reltionship with this person.

The Op is quite vulnerable and the woman is taking advantage.

Of course the Ops emotional investment impacts the family.

[RidingWindhorses]

She says she is getting what she wants out if it - a sense of fulfilment.

She's a SAHM making a choice to voluntary work to keep her brain ticking which is a perfectly valid, as many other posters have said.

If she's not doing that she's looking after her kids and DH.

Suggesting that she gets paid is sensible, telling her she shouldn't be doing it at all, not even socialising with these people, is not.

[Bruceishavingfish]

He hasnt said she should not be doing at all.

He said 'for free' not 'at all'

She's a SAHM making a choice to voluntary work to keep her brain ticking which is a perfectly valid, as many other posters have said.

Personally i disagree with this. The op hasnt been back so we dont know the answer. But if she can dedicate plenty of hours for free, she can do it and earn money.

She doesnt need to volunteer to keep her hand in. She could charge for her time and keep her hand in. She is doing it for free because she wants something from this woman she will never get. And it sounds like she is putting in alot of work. Not just bits here and there.

The decision for one person to stay at home and one person to be sole earner is a joint decision. Not just one persons.

If dh spent alot of time, and left me being solely responsible for finances, so he could pursue a relationship that wasnt going to happen I would not be happy.

Perhaps he is unhappy that the Op could be earning but isnt. Perhaps he sees her disappointed at being used again. Perhaps he is fed up of his wife being taken advantage of, perhaps he is a bit jealous of how invested in this woman op is, perhaps he is controlling, perhaps he feels a bit sorry for his wife.

We don't know. But there is nothing that says he has told her that a womans place is in the house.

But nowhere does it say he doesnt want her not work or that she must be a sahp.

[Jux]

OP, it’s doing wonders for your mental health, and there is nothing more important right now. KEEP DOING IT.

[MyDearAnnie]

I can't really get my head round posters who think that the way DH spoke to her was ok.

I suspect that he had to get firm because he can see his wife being made a fool and it frustrates and upsets him and he feels concern for her.

There's only so many times you can suggest something kindly to someone. At some point you need to use tough love.

The OP said herself that it was the way her face lit up when A emailed that bothered him.

[Atenco]

I suspect that he had to get firm because he can see his wife being made a fool and it frustrates and upsets him and he feels concern for her

I really don't think it is the place of our partners to treat us as if we were underage and censor our friendships.

[RidingWindhorses]

He not only said she should not be working for free, but that she should not be going to any 'events' at all. That a 'realistic life' is with him and the kids. Despite the OP saying she finds family life monotonous.

There are posters on the thread who understand the value of voluntary work (notwithstanding the sense in charging too) and posters who don't simply take DH's words at face value. I'm on the same page as them and tbh I really can't be arsed to argue about it.

[Bruceishavingfish]

He not only said she should not be working for free, but that she should not be going to any 'events' at all. That a 'realistic life' is with him and the kids. Despite the OP saying she finds family life monotonous.

Again. We don't know. People are interpreting what has been said differently. Which is why there are different views on the husband.

To me the realistic bit is the fact that she is chasing a relationship with a woman who is not interested. The relationship she wants isnt going to happen. Its not realistic.

[NinonDeLenclos]

Well we do know insofar as the long departed OP posted it in her intro.

I think some people are just ignoring bits that don't put the DH in a very good light, because it's much simpler to take it all at face value.

I have to agree with Atenco that partners have no place policing relationships and the inference that he "had to get firm" is complete invention.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

I think the being realistic thing is more to do with the fact at some point in the future the op will want to return to work and although she has left this job and she has been replaced she still works there but they don't pay her and she still socialises with these people.
There are 2 reasons why the dh might want the op to get real.
Firstly if she did decide to return to work this charity would not offer her a paid job because why would they pay her given she works there for free.
The second is that the op is not showing signs of opening herself up to making other friends or even given the way it is going looking for other work.

I think the dp is probably getting firmer as making lesser comments are ignored