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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional bully?

29 replies

aftertheevent · 21/10/2017 20:12

Am working FT on temporary contract but hate FT. Highly stressful job. However a FT permanent position has become available and I have been asked to apply.
But.......when H and I argue he brings up the finances out of nowhere and says why should I go PT when he cant. Or the fact I spend money on myself. I am in my 60s by the way so could take my pension. Bloody infuriating.
So as the deadline looms I asked for his opinion on this job situation and he became v defensive and raised voice because I asked for reassurance that he would not resort to bringing up the job if I didn't go for it. I wanted his honest opinion.
So he said he wouldn't and became angry that I would question him further. To him the matter was closed and took offence that I wanted to talk about it. So I closed the door and walked out and he kicked it.
All I wanted was a clear conversation about my future.

OP posts:
Bruceishavingfish · 21/10/2017 20:15

Well why cant he go part time?

Oleanderrules · 21/10/2017 20:15

Crikey he sounds awful - why on earth do you put up with him

Original poster
aftertheevent · 21/10/2017 20:15

he also began playing the victim saying he only said it because I had made him blah blah.
this happens every time I want to talk about anything from finances to decorating.

OP posts:
Oleanderrules · 21/10/2017 20:15

Do you feel like leaving him - is he always like this ?

Original poster
aftertheevent · 21/10/2017 20:18

I have never said he couldn't. I never bring up finances in an argument or work. He becomes defensive when talking about anything of any importance and starts to shout and dominate and begins a battle. V trying as I want to plan positively.

OP posts:
Original poster
aftertheevent · 21/10/2017 20:21

the thing that concerns me is this: if you raise an issue with him he will be defensive and say he doesn't mean it. If you carry on saying anything he goes ballistic because in his head he has sorted the problem and that is final.
Then tries to play the victim and runs off. So I don't get anywhere.

OP posts:
Bruceishavingfish · 21/10/2017 20:23

So he can go part time?

So whats his issue? I could understa d his frustration if you never worked full time or refused to. And he had to work full time.

But it doesnt sound like that. He sounds like someone who likes to play the victim while he bullies you.

Original poster
aftertheevent · 21/10/2017 20:23

All I want is an adult conversation.

OP posts:
Original poster
aftertheevent · 21/10/2017 20:25

Yes Bruce that's what I think. Looks like I should go ahead and take it.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 21/10/2017 20:28

Sounds awful - a bit like my stbx... that's why I've asked him to move out.

Men like this are terrible to live with, they make communication impossible and without communication you can't really have a relationship

I'm in my late 50s, btw, so it's not impossible to move on when you are a bit older.

Original poster
aftertheevent · 21/10/2017 20:28

By the way I worked for over 35 years. He is a bully and wont be clear about our finances so I can make an informed decision. TBH I was looking forward to being PT and claiming my work pension.
So if you're married surely decision making should be cooperative.

OP posts:
ofudginghell · 21/10/2017 20:34

We all seem to be battling with stroppy arrogant rude bloody partners on these boards at the moment.
Can’t blame a full moon as it seems to be going on for ages Hmm

I’m younger than you and dh in 40s but behaves the same way and it’s v waring.
As long as everything’s ticking along he’s happy and likes to be known as laid back but the minute I try to have a grown up conversation about anything of any importance if it’s causing me stress or worry then the defensive attitude comes out and then the shouting. Just had it two days ago and currently being ignored as I’ve told him if it’s not going to go away unril we discuss things so if he wants to continue to ignore tactics then carry on being a child and il just carry on and do my own thing which I’m doing. I think you should adopt the same method op.
Make your choice and go with it. If he kicks off again tell him he had the opportunity to talk about it and decide together but he chose not to.
Quite honestly think life would be easier without the drama at this moment in time x

Cambionome · 21/10/2017 20:34

He has absolutely no right to withhold financial information from you. I would start getting angry here if I would you.

Cambionome · 21/10/2017 20:35

*were

Bruceishavingfish · 21/10/2017 20:36

Op you need to leave him.

Hermonie2016 · 21/10/2017 20:37

He doesn't want a honest conversation,.Not sure if you can resolve this.

Is he like this about other subjects?

Flicketyflack · 21/10/2017 20:38

It sounds like he will not engage in an adult discussion. He either becomes ‘childish’ or ‘critical’ .

Make your own decision, suggest what you have decided (be factual) & seek some counselling for you. This will help you to decide what to do in the longer term for you & your relationship 😊

Original poster
aftertheevent · 21/10/2017 20:47

Yes he is like this over everything. He is fine if I just live in a detached way and don't ask any questions. If I have an issue he will become angry and defensive and full of contempt which hardly makes the issue go away.
Thinks everything is against him and starts to raise voice. Daring you to mention it again. Puts hands on hips and mansplains in patronising fashion. its a joke.

OP posts:
Original poster
aftertheevent · 21/10/2017 20:48

the thing is I feel I need to go FT in case I need to get away but I don't want to !
Cant have what I want.

OP posts:
Original poster
aftertheevent · 21/10/2017 20:50

Its as if he can't bare me to be happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
aftertheevent · 21/10/2017 20:55

Spelt bear wrong!

OP posts:
pog100 · 21/10/2017 20:58

You need absolute transparency about finances, in black and white, on paper. Then you need a discussion about retirement plans. This is entirely reasonable. If he won't do it in an adult way I would be making plans to divorce. Then he will have to be transparent and pensions should be shared.

Hermonie2016 · 21/10/2017 20:59

How long have you been together?

Contempt and anger is no way to live..it will only get worse as you get older and if you were ill.

It was knowing my stbxh would not be there for me that made me decide to leave.
There is always a way.

Original poster
aftertheevent · 21/10/2017 21:04

Forever. About 30 years! Kids just left home so communication difficulties more obvious.
He sleeps in a separate room because he's overweight but blames me.
He says working fulltime does me good?
He doesn't like being clear about anything. Blames me for his one time porn addiction.
Just yuk.

OP posts:
Original poster
aftertheevent · 21/10/2017 21:06

Obviously has addiction issues. He is 20 stone FFS.
I am doing this to myself that's becoming clear.

OP posts:
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