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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this as bad as I think it is?

60 replies

PurpleStar123 · 21/10/2017 18:08

Background, DH and I are both strong characters/personalities. Usual 'wifework' type issues with him but he is better at pulling his weight than he used to be, we share childcare responsibilities and we both work hard and FT.

I do get v irritated about the house chore issues and he says we have different standards and I project my stress onto the household and make everyone uncomfortable.

It came to a head yesterday when he had left something precariously in the entrance hall and I hurt myself on it. I swore and said he was 'fucking lazy' to have left it there. This was in front of the DC. He shouted at me for saying that to him and we spent the evening in different rooms. Today he exploded and shouted and swore, again in front of the DC, and said if I called him lazy again he would 'drag me out of the house by my hair'.

The DC understandably started crying so I packed a bag and left. Before I left with the DC, he told the children I was a bully and he had had enough of me treating him like that.

It is now nearly bedtime and I don't know what to do. Is his reaction as bad as I think? He would say my domineering behaviour provoked him.

OP posts:
Hangryhangryhrmm · 21/10/2017 21:51

His image is his own problem.

You're not taking responsibility for the fall of his reputation, bugger that - he's his own agent there

Threatening the mum of your children in front of said children with violence, doesn't strike me as benign (or nice)

Hangryhangryhrmm · 21/10/2017 21:52

I might add that keeping it quiet to protect him, is akin to "covering for him"

It's an escalation to a potentially more perilous environment for you and your dc.

twattymctwatterson · 21/10/2017 22:08

What he said to you, in front of your children should end the relationship. The fact that you know he won't apologise and will say you drove him to it suggests that you know how deep the problems are. Don't let your children grow up thinking this is normal

CocoaIsGone · 21/10/2017 22:11

Of course he has a nice guy image, if he had come with ‘threatening bully’ stamped on his head, you would not have got together with him.

People will think he is out of order because he is. It is not a reflection on you.

Are you scared of there being repercussions for you from him? In which case, talk to Women’s Aid in confidence.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 21/10/2017 22:14

People in crap marriages always think everyone else thinks their partner is amazing. Bollocks. When you split up you find out that everyone always knew he was a dickhead and wondered why you put up with it.

I think you'll be surprised at how easily people will believe you in RL.

Original poster
PurpleStar123 · 21/10/2017 22:16

Just to make life even better we are scheduled to exchange on a Newhouse in the next week or so. My head is spinning.

OP posts:
Norespect · 21/10/2017 22:20

He sounds horrible, OP. Surely most people swear if theyvnearly break their neck on some golf clubs (for example) that the lazy wanker golf club owner has left lying around?
Oh no wait, that was just a case of you having higher standards than him 🙄.
So you work, have kids, and YOU do most of the housework, etc. But a few posters on here are trying to gaslight you.
It’s as if we’ve been taken over by aliens.

G1988 · 21/10/2017 22:44

Some of the people commenting on here are worse than your DH, oh how I'd love to be as perfect as they clearly are!! Don't let these judgemental twerps get to you!

There is a massive difference between snapping and saying something in anger which you both did, and making threats of violence especially when time has passed for him to calm down.

Whatever you decide to do, do not let him make you think it's your fault. No one but him and him alone made that threat. You do not deserve to be in fear of him and what he might do to you if you ask him to tidy up after himself in future!

SandyY2K · 21/10/2017 22:49

Without a genuine apology I couldn't be committed to the marriage.

Your DC heard this. I'm not sure of their ages, but this is potentially damaging to them

They may think its okay to threaten kids at school if they upset them... because they've seen dad do it.

Behaviour in adults is frequently learned from childhood experiences.

Hermonie2016 · 21/10/2017 22:52

What was the trigger behind the explosion? Do you tend to apologise to heal arguments?

The inability for you both to resolve conflicts is a big problem and if he never apologises or you can't rationally discuss issues then the impact for your children is high.

Original poster
PurpleStar123 · 21/10/2017 22:58

Trigger was me getting ready to take the DC out and I asked him if he was coming. He said not if I hadn't explained to them how wrong it was to call him lazy. I called them in and said I was wrong to do that and he wasn't lazy but I was cross because I was hurt. He said me doing that was a charade and then launched into his 'if you ever fucking blah blah blah' routine.

OP posts:
CocoaIsGone · 21/10/2017 23:06

What? Was he going to say it was wrong to shout at you too? That is awful, sorry, he was making you apologise in front of DC, instead of discussing it and you both saying sorry to DC that they had to witness it. You then sought to explain because he put you in a defensive position, and he exploded.

I am sorry, but that is a power play, getting you to apologise in front of the children, that makes me feel awful for you. Fine if you chose to do it; fine if you both apologised TO DC for arguing, but saying he would not come out with his children and wife, unless you apologised. That is manipulative.

Besides, if he is lazy, you had to lie not to compound things. By all accounts, he IS lazy. But by getting you to acknowledge in front of DC that he is not really, he is off the hook.

Nasty.

CocoaIsGone · 21/10/2017 23:06

Get some sleep if you can

StaplesCorner · 21/10/2017 23:12

sleep on it now if you can, make a plan tomorrow. Is this the last straw, or the first one? If its the end of a long road that's got you to this place, then you can sell your current property as planned, divide any profit and not buy the new one.

abbsisspartacus · 22/10/2017 02:58

Leave this is toxic

Mary1935 · 22/10/2017 06:48

G1998 - I could not agree more - - how can people have such perfect lives. It amazes me they never lose it or say the occasional swear word.
Then you get the posts from Bees - this person comments with 3 swear words in the two lines they have wrote - and they claim OPs abusive.

OP - you are only human - yes you lost it but I'm sure it was after a lot of tolerance. Your partner is threatening and menacing. He's chewed on it for a while & instead of apologising has gone on to give you a clear warning as to what he will do to you if you so dare as lose your temper again with him or challenge him. He choose to do this in front of his children. He's showing you who he is and what your life will be like with him. It's not the actions of a loving man or a good father. X

WhoWants2Know · 22/10/2017 07:00

Wow, the clarification made it even worse!

Never mind the new house, this kind of thing happens all the time. If it falls through, it falls through.

Having seen what you’ve seen, do you think it’s a good idea to keep your kids in that kind of environment?

Anniegetyourgun · 22/10/2017 07:51

If there's a bright side to all this, it's that it kicked off before you were completely committed to buying a new house together. It might be a good idea to reconsider. Would it put you in a better or worse position to have this new place if you split, etc.

ConfusedNoMore · 22/10/2017 08:01

My ex once told me to kill myself in front of our son. He did not apologise. He said I'd made him angry (so was my fault). This level of violence even in speech shows what he really thinks of you.

No loving partner would ever think of such a thing let alone say it and in front of children.

newdaylight · 22/10/2017 08:06

Did he threaten you drag you out of the house by your hair in front of the children.

Regardless of what went before that's downright chilling. The threat itself is tbf, but for children to hear it too.

I would leave someone for that.

Badgertastic · 22/10/2017 08:10

You deserve so much more than this abusive relationship. Stop the exchange on the house and leave the relationship.

Original poster
PurpleStar123 · 22/10/2017 08:49

Thank you for all the replies. No sleep was had but it was good not to be at home.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleStar123 · 22/10/2017 08:54

Oh and it wasn't in front of the children, but it was so loud that DD, next door, and DS, downstairs heard it. Although DS heard it as 'pull all your hair out' which isn't exactly better. He told me he would still love me even if I had no hair ShockSad

OP posts:
RedForFilth · 22/10/2017 09:02

Whatever got said by whom, it's a shitty relationship to raise children in and an awful example of what a relationship is.
Childcare needs to be sorted between you, 50/50 is the best place to start and go from there. Houses can be sold. You can't keep your kids in an environment like that just because you're worried about keeping up appearances.