Would this be rude?

[AutumnLeavesandCandleLights]

I've reached a point in my relationship where I need to sit DP down and discuss a fair few issues and feelings that I've been having lately.

Unfortunately, it doesn't matter how much I 'rehearse' what I want to say, I always, without fail, either go off track or forget/miss a major point then end up severely regretting how the conversation went.

So, I'm planning on writing everything down so that I include all of what needs to be said and addressed, but would it be rude to write it in such a way that I can literally just read it all of to him like a letter or a page from a book?

In the past, I've tried making bullet points for 'prompts' and reminders but I never end up delivering them the way I intended.

I basically want this chat to go as smoothly, comfortably and kindly as possible and feel like writing it all out eloquently and descriptively is my best option right now.

But it is rude to discuss matters in such a way?

Thanks everyone!

Love, you are falling for a huge untruth

That if you can just find the right way to explain things to him, he will see the light

You can't and he won't. Because he doesn't care.

@pinkyredrose I guess the tiny shred of hope I have left is clinging to the thought that one more talk might set us straight.
I'd like to think counselling will help us, as me talking to him on my own obviously doesn't do much.
I am starting to realise that this relationship may not be my 'happily ever after', but I want us both to put in a lot more work before we do call it a day.

@AnyFucker it's definitely a tough one. I wish I knew how or what I could do to solve everything. If only life were that easy, eh!

Don't waste too much time on this one

It's obvious you are not at the end of the line yet. Yet.

Meanwhile, your resentment grows and your kids see damaging lessons every day

It's no coincidence he follows what he knows

It's not you, it's him.

You've posted about him before, I believe?

Unless he accepts and believes that "not talking about things" is a bad tactic, he's never going to change. He has grown up like this and currently it's working for him - it means he never has to participate in those awkward conversations about him changing his behaviour. He can just pretend they didn't happen.

OP it'll be you doing the work to 'set you straight' not him. It'll always be you doing the work, his apathy is obvious. You took a gamble that communication would improve over time but it never has.

OP. He isn't who you thought he was or who you thought he could be. He isn't who you kidded yourself he was or who you convinced yourself was under that silent exterior. He's the guy you live with that you can't talk to. He's the guy who ignores you, who lives in his own head and doesn't support you. He's the partner that you can't rely on.

He's repeating the behaviour of his own family. Please try to imagine a future without him before your DC learn that this is how adults behave.

Morning everyone and thanks for the replies!

I am starting to realise that no amount of time spent with him is going to change his response to situations. I feel a bit silly for ever thinking he'd learn to communicate reasonably and would stop shutting me out.

I told him a few months ago that I'm scared about the example he's going to set for our children. I don't want them growing up believing that it's okay to not talk things through and emotionally abuse the people in their lives.

I've woken up this morning wondering whether I should even bother having a chat with DP. I'd messaged him yesterday saying we'll talk about things this evening once he's home from work and DS is in bed, but now I'm kind of like 'what's the point?'. Nothing's going to change, is it?
I'll express my sadness, plead for him to reconsider (for the thousandth time) how he handles things, raise a couple of other issues and all the while he'll just be staring off in to the distance and I might, if I'm very lucky, get one head nod out of the entire talk.

I'm so confused about the next step. I feel like a terribly weak and awful person for throwing in the towel simply because someone won't 'fix' things how I'd like them to. There are people that have it way worse than I do and they stick it out and eventually things get better.

I'm just at a loss. It's been three years of this.

Thing is, you can only put in 100% of your 50% to fixing this relationship. You simply can't put in 100% of your half and 100% of his half too. Even if both parties are giving it their all, it'd be tough to come back from this. But when one entire half of the couple aren't bothering/trying/don't seem interested, it's doomed. And why would you want to bend over backward to make things work with someone who doesn't want you/the relationship enough to put any effort in? You deserve better.

After a few instances of trying to approach something that was upsetting or bothering me with a partner and then stonewalling me or not engaging I'd be done.

He's emotionally tormenting you by refusing to engage. He's managed to get you this upset and stressed soul searching to try and find a way to fix things and what's he actually doing in return? From the sounds of it, nothing. I'd question if he even wants to be with you.

Now you are getting it

So a quick update!

This morning my baby was pulling books off of our bookshelf - nothing new there - but when I came back from the bathroom I noticed he'd pulled out a plastic wallet from one of DP's guitar music books (which I've never looked at as I'm not musical) and in the wallet, was two sheets of paper, written on both sides.

It's a letter from some woman he used to know a few years before meeting me. He's spoken to me about her before, but always told me they were nothing more than friends.

After I've read through this letter, it turns out he was clearly in love with her and had actually written her a letter FIRST, pouring his heart out, opening up to her, writing her a fucking poem and all sorts. It's evident from reading her reply that he really didn't hold back in whatever he wrote to her.

So. He is capable of opening up and not stonewalling. I now have cold hard evidence. But he just won't do it with me. The mother of his child and soon to be, second child.

Literally my life feels like a joke right now.

@AnyFucker sadly, yes

Well it's good you have some cold hard evidence that he is giving the best of himself to other women and stonewalling the mother of his children. He takes you for granted. His refusal to engage with you actually sounds a little contemptuous. What are you gonna do?

@LemonShark I really don't know. I'm obviously going to show him the letters when he comes home from work later and he'll likely just say 'it was years ago. Drop it'.

I know it was years ago, long before I was on the scene but my point is that he's capable of talking about things but point blank has always refused with me. Her letter was sincere so it's not even as if he can say that he poured his heart out and was slapped in the face.

We need counselling. No two ways about it. If he isn't willing to try that then I see no other option than to seriously question where this relationship is going.

What do.you think counselling will achieve?

@pinkyredrose hopefully he'll learn a lot about himself and why he does things he does. It might teach him how to respect his partner. Truthfully, I'm not sure. I just think it's worth a shot.

hopefully he'll learn a lot about himself and why he does things he does.

You are assuming he gives a shit. Which is quite apparent he doesn't.

He doesn't need to 'learn'. He knows. Hes not stupid. He doesnt care, i don't think he could make it any clearer.

I don't want to upset you but OP please wake up and smell the coffee!

He isn’t broken, this is who he is with you. The problem is, that you’ve seen him as work in progress and while you’ve been waiting for him to be someone else, you’ve had kids.

Deep down I think that you know that this is who is and your ‘last ditch attempts’, are just to distract you from ripping off the plaster.

You’ve been asking the wrong question, it isn’t ‘why is he like this?’ it’s ‘why the hell did I choose to put up with it’? Counselling is an excellent idea but solo. You have put so much effort into diagnosing someone that you can’t fix, that you’ve neglected to understand the behaviour of the person that you can fix.

Write a letter, have a chat if you must but you can’t keep ignoring your role in your relationship dynamic.

Thanks again, everyone. I really appreciate all of your honesty.

I have around one hour until DP is home from work and then the chat can begin.

Frankly, I'm shitting myself beyond belief. I've been fine all day, but now I have the worst headache and am simply dreading what's going to happen this evening

Wish me luck.

Good luck

Oh op. I hope it goes in whatever way you want it to.

The thing is though that he has always been this way. You have only ever known him to be who he is. Why are you asking him to be a completely different person to the one you've always known he is?

Could you not just pack it in, call it quits and go and find someone who is actually the person that you want to be with?

All this angst and yet you've always known this is how he is... You do know people don't change don't you?

@beesandknees I assumed he'd open up to me with time. I'm not always completely open with people in the first few months of being with them, trust, for me, is something that grows with the relationship.

On the contrary, I've changed a lot over the years. I used to give zero fucks when I was in relationships, I did what I wanted with who I wanted and now I'm literally a completely different person. I didn't realise just talking to your partner when she's upset is something that someone can't grow to do.

That was not a good assumption to make.

Having kids with someone who you hope will change is also a terrible idea.

It's really unlikely you're going to get the outcome you want here op. You paired with someone who you hoped would become a completely different person in order to meet your needs. That was a mistake. I'm sorry to be blunt but I think you are denying the truth to yourself still.

Hope it goes well. Don't hold your breath though